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Wife Is Shy About Letting It All Hang Out at the Beach
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our late 30s, healthy and in good shape. Our love life is good, and we get along better now than we ever have in our marriage.
Before we get any older, my husband has asked me to visit a nudist beach or resort with him. He also says he would like to spice up our sex life by making love in the forest beside a mountain stream, or even the back seat of our car in a secluded spot.
Coming from a religious background, I am not totally comfortable with the idea of going nude at a beach in front of a lot of other people, or the thought of being caught having sex in the woods. My husband says that visiting a nudist beach or resort is not about exhibitionism or immorality. He says it is about enjoying nature and feeling the sensation of being free outdoors.
To be honest, these are things I might like to try, but I am just not sure. I'm concerned about what others would think if they found out. My husband says what we do is our own business, and the only way anyone we know would find out is if we told them.
Would it be wrong for us to go to a nude beach or resort, just to try it out? -- WONDERING WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WONDERING WIFE: I recommend you consider your husband's suggestions one at a time, and see how comfortable you are with each one.
There is nothing sinful about going to a nude beach with one's husband. When you do, you will see entire families and people of every age enjoying themselves --- all looking remarkably similar, and none of them leering at anyone else. Should you run into people you know, I can't imagine anyone gossiping about it, since they would have to explain how they happened to see you.
As to spicing up your sex life by making love in public places: Although some people may enjoy the "danger" of possibly being discovered, I don't recommend it because it leaves couples vulnerable to being exploited by anyone who happens by, or being cited for violating local ordinances against indecent exposure.
DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma with my neighbors, a young couple who moved into our neighborhood a couple of years ago. They are a very nice couple and we became friendly. But over the last several months, they have been spending an inordinate amount of time in our home.
They show up unannounced and often stay for more than two hours! My husband and I have two children and full-time jobs, so we don't have a lot of free time as it is. But when these two show up, we can't accomplish anything. They don't pick up on hints or gentle nudging when we try to get them to leave.
I dread the sound of the doorbell these days because I know it will be them. Sometimes it seems like they are watching to see when we come home. How can I tell them we need some space without hurting their feelings? I like them, but these unannounced visits are starting to take a toll on me. -- TRAPPED IN MY OWN HOME, FRONT ROYAL, VA.
DEAR TRAPPED: Your neighbors do not respect boundaries because you have set none for them. The next time they show up, do not let them in. Tell them you have chores you must do, and ask them to call before coming over in the future to see if it is convenient for them to visit. To speak up is not rude -- it is self-defense, which you have a right to practice when your home is being invaded.
DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I recently hosted a week-long family reunion for 40 relatives at our lakeside cottage, one family arrived with toys that included slingshots and a bow with rubber-tipped arrows.
To my horror, their 7-year-old son, "Andy," shot an arrow directly into a group of his cousins. I screamed his name, and he stopped and didn't shoot the other arrows. I explained that he could hurt someone and he should never shoot into a crowd, etc. Andy's father was annoyed with me for shouting at his son and kept muttering that a rubber-tipped arrow could never hurt anyone.
The next morning, I saw Andy aim his bow and arrow at another cousin only a few feet away. Horrified, I shouted, "Andy!" and the closest adult removed the bow and arrow from his hands. Andy then started crying and threw himself on his mother's lap, where he sobbed and wailed for one solid hour. Someone told me I had "humiliated" the boy. I was very disturbed and could not understand the parents' nonchalance about the possible danger.
The next morning I apologized to Andy and his parents for "humiliating" him. I explained I was concerned that someone would get hurt. Andy smiled and nodded yes in agreement, that he understood. His mother also smiled at me and gave me a "thumbs up." All appeared to be forgiven and forgotten.
In the middle of the afternoon, Andy's father announced they were leaving, that they couldn't wait to say goodbye to their grandfather, who was hiking with other family members. The family left without saying another word to me.
I have had many sleepless nights since, wondering if I was wrong to object to the child shooting arrows into groups of people. Did I make a mountain out of a molehill? Are rubber-tipped arrows harmless? Although two fathers told me not to let it bother me, I am still a ... VERY CONCERNED GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: I vote with the two fathers who told you not to let it bother you. Andy's parents were, in my opinion, guilty of reckless endangerment for allowing their child to play so irresponsibly with a toy he was not mature enough to handle. All he needed was one "lucky shot" and the arrow could have hit one of the other children in the eye, with lifelong repercussions. Andy's sobbing fit wasn't because he was humiliated; it was because he didn't get his own way.
Since you're having trouble sleeping, try a glass of warm milk at bedtime. You not only did not do anything wrong, you did exactly the right thing. Andy's parents should be ashamed at their lack of parental responsibility.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, after a valiant two-year battle, is losing to cancer. When I talk about it, every single person asks, "How old is she?"
What difference does it make if she's 10 or 100? How should I respond to those people? -- ALREADY GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ALREADY GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy. The subject of death makes many people uncomfortable. The asker may be curious, or anxious, when you bring up the subject. If your sister is older, then the questioner might respond, "Well, she lived a long life," in a clumsy attempt to make you feel better. If your sister is young, then the questioner is brought face-to-face with his or her own mortality, thinking "Oh, my, she's my age -- or younger!"
If the question makes you uncomfortable, just say, "Why do you ask?"
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Kids' Exclusion From Reception Ruffles Their Mom's Feathers
DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Alia," is being married in November at a fancy resort. Her fiance manages the place, so they are getting a reception for next to nothing. Because it is a nighttime, black-tie affair, Alia prefers to have no children at the reception. Children will be welcome at the church, and baby sitters will be provided during the reception afterward. Furthermore, the children will be treated to a pizza party, games and movies.
Alia has never related well to children, but she doesn't want to offend anyone. However, my "Aunt Julia" (who has three small children) has gotten wind of this, called Alia and chewed her out, and said her children go "everywhere" with her and that excluding them is an "insult." (These are the same kids who ran wild at our cousin's wedding last month, and one of them spilled red wine on Alia's bridesmaid dress.)
Is my sister being rude by excluding children from the reception? Our little sister, "Emily," is 9, and she will be in the children's room and not at the main reception. (And frankly, she's more excited about that than anything.) Please advise, because Alia is sensitive and doesn't want to offend people. -- CARING SISTER, KENTWOOD, MICH.
DEAR CARING SISTER: If your sister wants an adults-only wedding reception, then she's entitled to have one. Aunt Julia was out of line to criticize. The bride is being more than gracious, and providing generously for the children's supervision and entertainment after the ceremony. And if Aunt Julia feels she cannot be separated from her little angels for even a few hours, then she should attend the children's reception with them.
DEAR ABBY: I have heard advice given to childhood abuse survivors that it is all right to avoid their abusers, even when the abuser is a parent.
My situation is unique. I was emotionally abused by both of my parents for years. A couple of times when I was young, my mother attempted suicide (to get attention) and blamed her attempts on me. I will never forget the time she told me, "I tried to kill myself because you are such a horrible daughter."
I am still in my mother's life. (I am 47.) I do not wish to see her very much, but I feel responsible for her. I would prefer never to see her again because of all the years of abuse, guilt and inappropriateness she heaped on me. Is this possible?
I have had therapy and have come to terms with my past. I guess I am looking for "permission" not to see her. Thank you in advance. -- CHRIS IN NAPA, CALIF.
DEAR CHRIS: You're welcome. You not only have my permission, you have my blessing.
DEAR ABBY: My only daughter was murdered by her husband a month ago. Her brothers want him to be put to death. I think that life in prison would be worse. He is moody and has a superiority complex, so I feel his fellow inmates would help to punish him over the years.
My question: When he turns 65 -- or whatever the age limit is for Social Security -- can he claim benefits or draw a monthly check? He paid into the system for quite a number of years. Does the government give monthly checks to crooks, rapists, murderers and the like? -- HURTING IN GEORGIA
DEAR HURTING: According to the Social Security Administration office in Washington, D.C., people who are in prison cannot apply for benefits, nor will they receive any while they are incarcerated.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)