For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Will Never Measure Up to Mother Husband Worships
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Clay," has a very abnormal relationship with his mother. (I'll call her "Jewel," although she's far from one.)
Clay frequently tells me I'll never be as perfect as Jewel, that she's a living saint. He tells her how much money he makes, but he won't tell me, and he refuses to tell me where his money goes. He insists we have separate checking accounts, but he shares an account with Jewel. Abby, Clay earns three or four times as much as I do, but he never helps financially.
He never buys groceries, and I've had to pawn my jewelry, work overtime and beg my parents for money to put food on the table for our three children. Clay will pay nothing toward the children's clothing or doctor visits, and he has never bought them –- or me -– a gift for any occasion. He has never bought anything for our home, either.
Jewel is nosy and butts into every aspect of our lives. She claims she "loves" us and is "trying to help." When she calls, if no one answers, she demands to know where we were -- and Clay tells her. If he goes somewhere alone and I ask where he's been, he says it's none of my business and accuses me of being controlling. Jewel calls to question him five times a day and it's OK, but when I ask him anything, I'm "intruding" on his life.
This is only the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Abby, how can I get him to understand how his relationship with his mother is hurting me? Mothers and sons should be close, but not that close. It's time for him to cut the umbilical cord. I'm desperate –- please help me. -- MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY
DEAR MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY: The "saint" in the family must be you –- for having tolerated this situation long enough to have three children with this man.
Your mother-in-law may be part of your problem, but your marriage to Clay is so out of balance I almost hesitate to call it a marriage. When people marry, they have certain financial obligations toward each other that Clay seems to have ignored completely.
Marriage counseling might be helpful, but only after you have consulted a lawyer to learn what your rights are –- because it seems to me you're enduring all of the hassles and enjoying none of the privileges of marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I have an irritating problem I'm sure many people can relate to. My name is "Phoebe," pronounced "Fee-bee." Why is it the majority of people pronounce it "Fobe," "Fobee" or "Phobia"? Is there an appropriate method of correcting people?
This is especially embarrassing when I visit the doctor and the nurse steps into the waiting room and calls for "Fobee" or "Fobe." It aggravates me that so many people have such difficulty with my name, yet no one seems to mispronounce Phoenix. Why is that? -- PHOEBE
DEAR PHOEBE: Try not to be embarrassed when people mispronounce your name. Simply correct them and move on, knowing they probably won't make the same mistake twice. I'm sure you're not the only one with this problem. It probably also happened to Caesar.
Wife Wonders What to Dish Out to Neighborhood Delilah
DEAR ABBY: Last spring, my neighbor was getting way too friendly with my husband. They worked together. She helped him get the job and acted as his supervisor.
She started calling our house three or four times a day to talk about subjects unrelated to work. They worked nights, but I discovered they talked for hours during the day while I was at work. I also learned they went to the movies together occasionally. I suspect that far more than that went on.
Of course, I went into a rage. Things got messy, and I moved out of our house for a few weeks. We have somewhat repaired the marriage, but I will never love or trust my husband the way I did before. I have not talked to the neighbor since this incident, but my husband revealed that when she heard I moved out, she ended the socializing. (He still has the job.)
During the holidays, this neighbor's children delivered a meat and vegetable casserole to our house, apparently as a gesture of friendship.
What should I do? Send her the dish back? -- JILL IN FLORIDA
DEAR JILL: It seems only logical. She returned your husband. You should return her dish.
DEAR ABBY: My wife just had a D and C because the baby was dead. There was no heartbeat. My problem is my wife doesn't want to talk about it.
I love my wife more than any woman I have ever known. It hurts me more than words can express that she keeps this to herself. I love her and want to hold her, but she is pulling away. It's as if she feels this is my fault. I would like for us to cry together over the loss of our baby. How do I get through to her that this is what we need to do? -- SAD HUSBAND IN OHIO
DEAR SAD HUSBAND: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby. Everyone deals with loss differently. Your need to talk and cry may not be what your wife is ready to do at this time.
It would be helpful for you to contact your clergyperson and inquire about grief support groups and a grief therapist for yourself and your wife. Please clip this letter, show it to her, and ask her to go with you. If it hasn't already been done, consider holding a memorial service for the baby.
An organization that can help is The Compassionate Friends. Members are parents who have experienced the loss of a child. To learn more about them, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org" ��www.compassionatefriends.org� or call toll-free (877) 969-0010.
DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about the number of people who say their pets drink from the toilets.
I've had dogs and cats over the years, and have never allowed them to drink from the toilet. I always have fresh water for them in a bowl in the kitchen, a bowl on the patio and another in the yard. Animals simply must have fresh water.
The reason I'm alarmed is today I purchased a toilet bowl cleaner in tablet form to put into the toilet tank. The instructions warn that these tablets are extremely poisonous and may cause fatalities if ingested. So what about all these thirsty animals that are desperately getting their water from toilets?
Please print this, Abby. It might save some pets' lives. -- PET LOVER IN CHULA VISTA, CALIF.
DEAR PET LOVER: Thank you for your warning. Readers, if you have pets who roam around your house, always keep the lid of your toilets down!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Widow Is Left With Only Bitter Memories of 'Perfect' Husband
DEAR ABBY: Please tell your readers that a death-bed confession that can hurt a spouse is better left unsaid. Take it to your grave without hurting those left behind.
For nearly 50 years, I was married to one of the best-looking Christian men a woman could have. He was out of the house almost every night of the week doing church work. I held a job and remained at home with the children in the evenings, so he could do the Lord's work. Everyone loved him and always told me he set the best example of any man in our church.
When he was stricken with cancer, I nursed him, stayed with him, and gave up my job to help him stay alive.
One day, out of the blue, when he knew he had only a short time to live, he confessed to me that he had been a philandering cheat, and told me how many women he'd had affairs with during our marriage. I was aware that one woman in our community had left her husband for another man, but I did not know it was my husband. He also confessed that some of his girlfriends were younger than our daughters.
Only one of my children knows about his philandering. She has urged me not to tell the rest of the family.
He begged me not to hate him when I looked down on him in the casket. But I do. When I go to church people always say nice things about him and what a wonderful Christian he was. I make no comment.
I hate him so much I don't even want to be buried next to him. I am trying to avoid it by being cremated and having my ashes scattered when I die, but my children want me next to their dad. There are times when I wish I could tell them the truth. -- HURT TO THE HEART IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HURT TO THE HEART: Your feelings are understandable. Although confession may be good for the soul, it can be emotionally devastating to the person who has to hear it. And having to hear well-meaning comments about what a "good Christian" he was, while in reality he was fooling around like the devil, must be particularly hurtful.
If you would prefer your remains to be apart from your husband's, your wishes should be respected. Put your wishes in writing and give them to your lawyer and to your daughter who knows the whole story. Include a sealed letter detailing all of the reasons why you feel the way you do, to be opened only if your children are unwilling to follow your instructions. If nothing else, you deserve to have the last word.
DEAR ABBY: I will be in the 11th grade in the fall. It's the year in which everyone goes insane searching for "the perfect college."
When we went to my brother's college to see him off last September, I got a good look at it and really liked it. My parents suggested I should look elsewhere, considering that I had "followed along" at every school my brother has gone to. Wherever he went, Abby, it made perfect sense that I would go there, too.
My parents think it would be wise to give him his space now. They're not barring me from applying there, but ... anyway, Abby, I'd like a second opinion. Thanks. -- WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: Stop "wondering" and listen to your parents. They appear to be intelligent people who are sensitive to the needs of both of their children. In other words, having a college experience entirely on your own could be a growth opportunity for you, too.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)