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Abuser's Desire to Apologize Is Another Form of Manipulation
DEAR ABBY: "Distraught in New Jersey" (7/12), who stated that he was in an abusive relationship for about a year," made himself sound more like the victim than the perpetrator of domestic violence. His comment that he "enrolled in an anger management class" after being arrested for domestic violence also reflects a lack of personal responsibility for his crime. Perpetrators rarely, if ever, voluntarily "enroll" in such programs. They are mandated by the courts.
I also take exception to his use of the term "anger management." Spousal abuse has little to do with stress or anger, and everything to do with significant character flaws and psychopathology. I should note that such men rarely beat anyone but their wives and girlfriends. If their aggression was rooted only in "anger," the violence would be directed at everyone.
The abuser's statement that he wants to personally contact and apologize to his victim, who had a restraining order issued against him, also reflects his denial and manipulative qualities. Battered women seek restraining orders against their assailants because they want protection, not apologies. Restraining orders are also a means by which a victim tells her batterer that the relationship is over.
Domestic violence perpetrators are cunning and often use treatment as a means of manipulating their victims back into a relationship.
"Distraught in New Jersey" needs to understand that the completion of a program, even when the restraining order has expired, does not give him the right to contact the woman he previously victimized. If he does, he could once again find himself in the slammer. -- MICHAEL GROETSCH, PROBATION OFFICER, NEW ORLEANS MUNICIPAL COURT
DEAR MICHAEL: Your letter is important, and thank you for writing it as a wake-up call not only to perpetrators of domestic violence, but to victims as well. As you so aptly stated, domestic violence is not about the inability to control one's temper; it is about control over the victim. In the case of "Distraught in New Jersey," if he succeeds in contacting his victim "to apologize," he will be in violation of the terms of his restraining order, and if he does so after it expires, he could be arrested for trespassing or stalking. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a criminal defense attorney who handles domestic violence cases on a regular basis, I must warn "Distraught in New Jersey" not to contact his victim!
The police and the courts take these orders very seriously. If "Distraught" -- or any other reader, for that matter -- is the defendant in a restraining order, he should have not contact in any way, shape or form, with the plaintiff, or he stands a very real chance of being charged criminally.
I have had clients charged for doing something so simple as sending a birthday card, or merely being present at the same high school graduation, as the person who holds the order. Is this unfair? Perhaps, but it is the law and must be obeyed.
So, "Distraught" should complete his counseling, obey the order, and realize the best apology is letting his former girlfriend get on with her life. -- CHRISTOPHER S. TODD, SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
DEAR CHRISTOPHER: I couldn't agree more.
Friend Shrinks From Blowing Whistle on Woman's Thievery
DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who owns a prosperous business. I'll call him "Oscar." Oscar has no clue that one of his employees, "Shirley," is stealing big chunks of money from him.
I feel bad for the friend who is being taken, and also for the person doing the stealing. I know them both well, and if I were to tell him, Oscar would lose both a friend and an employee. Shirley has worked for him for more than a dozen years. Her son and her brother now work for him, too. If I blow the whistle, Shirley could lose her home and other investments.
This could get very ugly, and I don't want to be in the middle. Please tell me what to do. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN PHOENIX
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You were put in the middle the minute you learned about the thefts. You must tell the employer what is going on. To do otherwise makes you an accessory to the crime.
It will then be up to Oscar to decide if he wants to press charges. And please remember that the friendship between Oscar and Shirley ended when she started stealing from him. Friends don't steal from their friends. Opportunists do.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at which the hostess seated my husband at the main table next to her. She seated me at a far table in the corner, with my back to the dinner guests.
Fortunately, I made easy conversation and had a nice time, but I don't feel like accepting any of her invitations in the future. My husband scarcely noticed and wonders why I might not care to be invited again. May I know your thoughts on how to handle this? -- DIANA IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR DIANA: When a couple is invited to a dinner party, and the husband is seated next to the hostess, it is customary for his wife to be seated next to the host of the party. By seating you in "Siberia," the hostess demonstrated not only a breach of etiquette, but also how little she cared about your feelings. Explain that to your husband, and perhaps he'll get the message.
DEAR ABBY: Whenever an individual has a face lift, brow lift or eye lift, it is usually said that the person looks 10 -- or whatever -- years younger. I know the person will continue to age, but will she (or he) always look 10 years younger than she would have without surgery, or does the person eventually look just as she would have if she never had a lift?
I asked a cosmetic surgeon this question, but never got a clear answer. Could you help me (and others) have a more realistic idea of what to expect if we choose this route? -- CONTEMPLATING SURGERY IN ARKANSAS
DEAR CONTEMPLATING: I'll try. It is a misconception that plastic surgery guarantees knocking 10 years -- or "whatever" -- off one's countenance. More often what happens is the person looks "rested" or "refreshed" -- the sags and stress lines gone or diminished.
How long the results last can vary according to the patient's genetics and how well he or she takes care of his or her skin. If the person avoids the sun, tobacco, too much alcohol and excessive weight gain, the results of plastic surgery will last longer. But nothing lasts forever -- and that includes anything a person has "lifted."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the letter from "Shannon in Houston" (6/25), the mother who thinks it's inappropriate for her 11-year-old son to tell his girlfriend he loves her. I agree with your answer, and would like to point out that love at such a young age is devoid of the ulterior motives of more mature love: It's not physical, and it's not social or money-driven. It is untainted love, love for love's sake.
Besides, children learn to love by being loved themselves. That mother must have done something right, as her young son knows how to give someone love -- a skill many people never acquire during their lifetime. -- LOVING MOM OF LOVING SONS
DEAR LOVING MOM: Point well taken. I firmly believe children are able to feel love for each other -- because I was one of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You ran a letter from a mom who felt that her 11-year-old son couldn't know what love is. While it may be true for some kids, it's not true for all. Parents should let their kids develop emotionally, not belittle their feelings.
I fell in love with a boy in my class when I was about that age. Those feelings remained throughout grade school and high school. He was the first love of my life, and I'll always have special feelings for him -- even though it has been years since I last saw him.
Even if the girl doesn't turn out to be her daughter-in-law, these relationships will prepare her son to be the man he will one day become. -- CASSIE IN GRESHAM, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: That mother missed an important teaching moment, an important milestone in her son's life. She should have validated his feelings because children do feel deeply. When my daughter was in love for the first time at 13, we talked about what love means. It means wanting only the best for the other person. You care about the safety and welfare of that person and always treat him (or her) with kindness and respect. You would never encourage someone you love to do anything unlawful, dangerous or harmful. And you will know he loves you if he feels this way about you.
I repeated the same litany as she was growing up. My daughter is now 22, and still talks to me about her romances and almost everything else. -- BEEN-THERE MOM, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I am now 91. You gave that mother the right advice. I wish someone had told my mother the same. She scoffed at my "puppy love," but it has endured -- just as Charles Schulz in his "Peanuts" strip never forgot his "little red-headed girl."
Eighty years have passed since I fell in love with Margaret Ruprect back in Dubuque, Iowa. I can still remember her golden hair shining in the sun and her laughter. I only got to kiss her once, but I'll never, ever forget her. If she's still living, I hope she sees this and knows I still love her. -- BOB C., ATASCADERO, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to address my comments to "Shannon in Houston." I am confused. What are the most frequent words you say to your child? "I love you," again and again. You show your son your love every day. But as soon as he professes love for someone outside the family, you tell him "he's too young to understand what love is."
How can that possibly be true, if he has been raised in a loving family? -- JOANN J., TAMPA, FLA.
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