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Ex's Inappropriate Touching Must Be Confronted Head On
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 60s. My first husband, "Seymour," and I divorced more than 30 years ago. For the last several years, every time I see him, he makes several attempts to "touch" me in some way. Seymour insists on hugging me hello and goodbye, and also tries to kiss me on the mouth. I do not encourage him in any way.
I try to avoid him when the family gathers, but Seymour comes up behind me and attempts to "sneak one in." He will use any situation to touch me in some way. If I reach for a spoon on the buffet table, he will grab my hand and squeeze it.
Seymour and I have both remarried, and my present husband, "Michael," and I are very happy –- thank you very much. But Seymour won't leave me alone. I'm always stressed out when he's around. It is impossible to enjoy myself feeling I always have to keep looking over my shoulder.
Seymour has been invited into our home a few times, for family parties involving the grandchildren. When he comes he adopts a proprietary air and acts as if he is the homeowner. Michael can't stand to be in the same room with him, and I have to watch that situation closely, too.
I have considered having Michael approach Seymour at the next party and ask him to keep his hands off me. But I'm afraid it might lead to an altercation, as Seymour is very confrontational. The reason I left him in the first place was because he was both physically and verbally abusive.
Seymour has told me he still loves me and is sorry for the past. I responded by telling him thank you for apologizing, but I felt his affection was misplaced and should be directed toward his new wife.
Aside from excluding myself from family situations that I know Seymour will be attending, what's my alternative? -- OLDER AND WISER
DEAR OLDER AND WISER: Your ex-husband's behavior could be classified as creepy. After all this time, he is still trying to assert control over you. Talk to Seymour's new wife and tell her how uncomfortable her husband's harassment makes you –- because harassment is what it is.
If that doesn't put an end to it, the next time Seymour grabs you, treat him as you would any other stranger who tried to assault you. Say, "Don't touch me. I don't like it!" And if he persists after that, the person who should be excluded from the family gatherings is Seymour -– not you.
DEAR ABBY: I need some help. The guy I live with, "Arnold," doesn't want to get married, but I do. We have been together for 19 years. What should I do?
Also, I don't love Arnold like I did. Should I try to get back with my first love or what? (It's my former husband.) We were married eight years and had three kids. They are all grown now. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN OHIO
DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: If marriage is what you really want, then you have already devoted far more time than you should have to Arnold. Because you no longer love him as you did, the time has come to make other living arrangements and go on with your life.
If you still care for your former husband, once you are on your own I see no harm in contacting him. However, a lot of water has drifted under the bridge over the last 19 years –- so don't bet that he's still available.
Dad Marries Second Wife Before Divorcing His First
DEAR ABBY: My mother and father have been separated for four years. They are not yet divorced. A year ago, Dad started dating this woman from another country. She is not a U.S. citizen; she is here on a work visa. Well, she wanted to get married, and Dad never told her that he was still married to my mother. They ended up being married last month. Needless to say, I was not happy to hear about it.
Dad told me he had filed the papers and his lawyer told him it was OK for him to go ahead and get married. I called my mother a few days after the wedding; she has never received any papers regarding a divorce. On his marriage license to this new woman, it says that Dad divorced my mother in 2004. I went to the courthouse, and there is no record that a divorce ever happened.
So my father is married to this new woman and it's not legal. What should I do? Should I tell my mother and get my father in trouble? -- STRESSED IN N. CAROLINA
DEAR STRESSED: Your mother should absolutely be told, so she can consult an attorney and her local police. Your father is guilty of fraud and bigamy, which is a felony. And the poor deluded woman your father is leading to believe is his wife should also be informed. Being given that information now would be far kinder than receiving it when her visa elapses and she must leave the country.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law recently accused my 6-year-old daughter -- her granddaughter -- of stealing jewelry from her. She called me one day and made the accusation. I was stunned at the undertone and the manner in which she approached me. I know for a fact that my daughter did not take anything from her. There were other grandchildren in the house as well.
I told my mother-in-law that I didn't think my daughter had stolen anything, as she was with me the entire time we were there, but that I'd talk to her about it to make sure. My daughter confirmed what I already knew, and I believe her.
My mother-in-law has now called two of my sisters-in-law to tell them that I need to "control that girl" and "that girl is so devious she probably threw the jewelry away to keep from getting into trouble" -- and that if she did, I would cover it up to protect her, which I would never do.
I don't know why she's treating my little girl like this. How should I respond? She has also told my sister-in-law that I'm going to make a "big deal" out of this and "turn her son (my husband) against her." I am hurt and lost and don't know how to handle this. She's bad-mouthing my child to all the family members. -- APPALLED IN HOUSTON
DEAR APPALLED: If you haven't already done so, you need to talk to your husband about this. It might also be helpful to speak to your sisters-in-law. I say this because it is possible that their mother needs to be neurologically and physically evaluated. Among the symptoms of dementia are losing things and paranoia that someone is stealing from the sufferer.
If your mother-in-law is of sound mind, then it is also possible she harbors a resentment toward you for some reason and is now directing it at your child. If that turns out to be the reason for her behavior, then common sense would dictate that you limit your child's exposure to her.
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DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 40s. She has four children, including me. I am married and have two children of my own. Still living at home are my brother, 17, a sister, 14, and the 1-year-old baby, "Michelle." Michelle is from another guy.
Mom purposely got pregnant, knowing that "Tom" didn't want a child. Needless to say, they are no longer together, and Tom has nothing to do with Michelle. Mom is having problems with my brother and sister. They choose not to listen and have been in trouble with the law.
My mom is no longer working. She spends her days with the baby. She recently let slip that she wishes she could just die. She wants to commit suicide because she is just so depressed. No work, no child care, the kids don't listen, and she just isn't getting anywhere.
She said the only reason she won't do it is because she doesn't want to leave me with the burden of caring for her baby. I'm attending college, my husband works, and my girls are in school.
I didn't know what to say, and Mom has now turned to alcohol. She's a great mother; she just has her hands full. I don't know if she knows she has a drinking problem, and I don't want to say it because I know she'll take offense. My little sister is not in any danger, but what can I do or say to help my mom? Oh, yes, I support my little sister already -- diapers, clothing and love. Please help me. -- DAUGHTER IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
DEAR DAUGHTER: When people start talking about ending their lives, that's the time to see they get medical and psychological attention. I don't know your mother, but she could be suffering from post-partum depression. (She could also simply be overwhelmed right now.) The first step in getting help for your mother is to get her to an internist or family practitioner. If she doesn't have one, then her OB/GYN would be a good place to start.
If she can't handle your brother, then perhaps he should stay with his father for a while, or some other older male in the family. If that's not feasible because he's already in trouble with the law, he may need to be made a ward of the court. Not pleasant -- but better than a life of crime begun as a teenager.
Once your mother's depression is under control, she may be less inclined to drink her troubles away. But if she continues drowning her sorrows, then Alcoholics Anonymous could help her. But only when she's ready to admit she has a problem. (They're in the phone book.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last two years. We are trying to make it permanent, but we have one sticking point. She has several men friends, some from past relationships, that she still sees casually. She insists on spending weekends alone with them, either at their home or at her summer house in the country.
I feel this is inappropriate for someone in a serious relationship. She says I "don't trust her," and we cannot have a relationship unless I get over this attitude. Is she right? Am I being unreasonable? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONFUSED: Not in my opinion. And I wonder how this "wonderful woman" would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
While I see nothing wrong with old friends -- and even people who were once romantic -- sharing a meal together once in a while, I draw the line at weekends alone together. But then again, I'm not in favor of "open" relationships, either. My advice to you is to rethink making this relationship permanent.
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