To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Tables Turn When Jilted Wife Now Could Be 'Other Woman'
DEAR ABBY: For nearly 30 years, I believed my marriage to be rock solid. Imagine my shock, disbelief and pain when my husband announced he no longer loved me and wanted out of our marriage. And, although he initially denied her existence, he married the other woman soon after our divorce became final.
With our children grown, there was no reason for us to remain in contact, even though we live within a few miles of each other. From the time he left, my ex made it clear that the break was to be complete. I haven't seen him for years and have never met his new wife.
One of our children married recently and the festivities brought my former spouse and me into contact. We were cordial but restrained in each other's company. Given the years that have passed and the nature of our reunion, I was surprised at the obvious insecurity shown by his wife.
Now he is calling me. His calls always have a purpose, though the reasons are flimsy. They are increasingly warm and friendly. I can't say that I don't enjoy them, but I'm beginning to feel a little uncomfortable about their frequency. I don't know if this is because of my own possible dormant feelings or repugnance at the thought of ever becoming "the other woman."
I asked him if his wife knew he called. He side-stepped giving me a direct answer. Now I'm in a real pickle. It would be nice to have some measure of friendship, but a renewed relationship with my ex also scares me. I can't talk to my children or friends about this. I'd appreciate some advice. -- OLDER BUT NOT WISER
DEAR NOT WISER: You are too wiser! If you weren't wiser, you would not be questioning the situation. How delicious it must be that your ex is now sneaking around on the woman he left you for, and calling you.
My advice is not to give in to the temptation to gloat or allow it to continue. The wife made it clear at the wedding that she's threatened by you. (And probably any other woman!) She's threatened because she knows exactly what he's capable of.
A legitimate, aboveboard friendship isn't possible under these circumstances. So, unless you're bored and looking for drama -- and possibly more pain -- the next time your ex calls, tell him enough is enough. It will save you a world of heartache.
DEAR ABBY: I am a security officer. I started this job only three weeks ago. Yesterday was pretty stressful. I kept my cool because I was dealing with explosives. After three attempts to find out what building they belonged in, this one employee told me "not to get my panties in a bunch."
I told my boss what happened and demanded an apology. It has yet to happen. I am a contract worker. Do I have a right to report this on my own? I know the name of the person who said it.
I had to go to the hospital because my blood pressure was 166/109, and I had pain in my chest and dizziness. Then I had to go back to the doctor the next day for a checkup. What are my rights? -- UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO
DEAR UNSURE: You are within your rights to report what happened, but I can't guarantee the results. However, because of your physical problems, I am recommending that you re-evaluate your career choice. Security work is often stressful, and more stress could adversely affect your health.
Grandma's Affair With Married Man Sets Bad Example for Boys
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman, married with two sons, 7 and 8. My husband of nine years and I try to set a good example and teach them the difference between right and wrong.
My mother is dating a man who has been married for many years. Mom and this married man have been "dating" for about four years. He says he's miserable and still married only because a divorce would lose him half his assets. I know there will come a day when our boys find out that "Grandpa" is married to someone else.
My husband and I have taught our children that marriage is a faithful and truthful act that only two people who love each other very much should engage in. We have also taught them that marriage is forever -- until death do us part. How do I answer the questions I know are going to follow?
Please don't tell me to let Grandma tell them the story. Her take on the situation may warp our kids' sense of marriage. I refuse to lie to my sons, but I don't want them to look at Grandma as a horrible person, either. Any suggestions? -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
DEAR DON'T KNOW: First of all, your sons should not be calling your mother's boyfriend "Grandpa," because he isn't their grandfather. And Grandma isn't a "horrible" person; she is someone who has allowed herself to become the "side dish" of a man who values his money more than he values her.
If asked, tell your sons that you do not approve, but that Grandma is a big girl -- and this is the decision she has made.
DEAR ABBY: I was in an abusive relationship for about a year before I was finally arrested last summer for domestic violence. Since then I have enrolled in anger management class and have seen a psychologist. I have learned a lot since then and feel overwhelming remorse for what I have done.
I want to apologize to her, but there is a restraining order in effect. I feel so guilty. Any suggestions? -- DISTRAUGHT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR DISTRAUGHT: In your case, guilt is good. It means you have a conscience. Do not, under any circumstances, try to contact your former girlfriend until you have successfully completed the anger management course and the therapy. Because there is a restraining order in place, any move you make in her direction will be construed as hostile and could land you in jail.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Shawn," and I have been having sex for three years. We are both seniors in college. My family is against sex before marriage, and I have told them that I am against it, too. I promised them that I wasn't having sex with Shawn.
Last week, my little sister, who is a freshman in high school, found my birth control pills in my car. She told my parents, and they asked me about it. I lied and told them they belonged to one of my friends.
Should I tell my parents the truth and just accept that we have different opinions, or continue to lie to them? -- CONFOUNDED IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR CONFOUNDED: As a senior in college, I presume you are an adult. As an adult, you should be prepared to take responsibility for the decisions you make. Your parents are not stupid. Lying about your behavior is childish and, frankly, it is degrading to you and your relationship with Shawn. Therefore, you should tell your parents the truth, and apologize to them for lying.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Sons Come in Distant Second to Dog in Parents' Affection
DEAR ABBY: You advised the 16-year-old girl who said she had been "replaced" by her mother's dogs that you could guarantee that her mom loved her and her brother more than the dogs. Don't be so sure! When I first met my husband, one of the first things he told me was that the only family member that received any attention from his parents was their dog. I laughed, thinking it was funny, but it proved to be true.
This was an extremely dysfunctional family. Both parents ignored my husband and his brother and fawned over the dog. They took the dog for walks, special ice cream treats every week and rides in the car. They didn't even bother to attend my husband's college graduation. Over the years, we'd receive detailed letters about the dog's activities, but never once did they call to wish my husband "happy birthday." Both brothers needed years of psychotherapy.
After 33 years of marriage, my mother-in-law was finally widowed. After meeting the "love of her life," she confessed she had never loved her husband, never wanted kids and neither had he, and announced to her sons she would "no longer require them"!
Millions of people own dogs, and their children don't feel unloved and want to sit and cry. This young girl senses her mother doesn't care for her. We had a dog, and I KNEW my mom loved us more because she told us every night and spent time with us. This mom must not be doing that. -- WIFE IN SEATTLE
DEAR WIFE: Thank you for the wake-up call. I have to confess that I was surprised by some of the feedback I received regarding that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Pets don't talk back, refuse to be helpful or ask for money. All they want is love and food. They don't ask where you've been and they're always happy when you come home. Their love is unconditional. -- PET LADY IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: When my son started getting older, suddenly his mom became either invisible or an embarrassment to him. I heard from others what a charming young man he had become -- so nice and friendly -- but you'd never know it when he came home. I barely heard the sound of his voice unless he wanted me to iron a shirt for him, or he needed gas money. Then he would suddenly become very nice!
Maybe Mom is using the dogs to soothe the hurt of not being allowed into her children's lives. Maybe the dogs provide objects on which to focus the love that she desperately wants to shower on her children, but is unable to because that love is rebuffed. Obviously, the dogs fill some kind of void. -- MOM WHO'S BEEN THERE
DEAR ABBY: Besides owning three Labs, I am a volunteer parent for Labrador rescue here in Florida. One puppy is a lot of work; two are practically a full-time job. If only "Replaced by Dogs" would pitch in, help with training, walking, bathing, feeding and playing with the puppies, it would give her mom extra time to spend with her and her brother. She would also be spending quality time with her mom. -- LAB LOVER IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my boss was called into the school counselor's office because her daughter had complained that her mother showed more love and attention to the dogs than to her. "Shelly" promised to shower both her children with the same love she showed her dogs. Needless to say, it lasted only two days before the children were tired of being hugged, kissed, and told "I love you" all day long! -- PATRICIA IN CUMMINGS, GA.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)