To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Don't Patronize Senior Citizens by Addressing Them as Young
DEAR ABBY: Last night, on a popular television reality show, the host repeatedly addressed a 70-something-year-old participant as "young man." I have seen it many times before, of course -- young man, young lady, sweetie, dear, etc.
In my opinion, this borders on disrespect, regardless of the good intentions behind it. My parents actually stopped shopping at a local grocery store because the staff was always calling them "young people." They were embarrassed, and I don't blame them.
I know people are trying to be nice, but I wonder how many seniors feel the way my parents do. Can't people extend kindness without being patronizing? -- JENNY IN PASCO, WASH.
DEAR JENNY: Many people feel exactly as your parents do. You would think that people would be more sensitive, but many service personnel in their 20s, 30s, 40s and older make the same mistake. The way to combat it is to speak up when it happens, or, as your parents did, stop patronizing the establishment. (Nothing hits home like a sagging balance sheet.)
One woman I know told me recently how she handled it when a young server in his 20s called her "young lady" as he was taking her order. (She's 50.) Her reply: "Well, little man, I'll have the ..."
DEAR ABBY: I am 11, and there is a boy I like. I'll call him "Cole." He knows I like him, and for Valentine's Day he gave me a necklace and earring set. All my friends, and even my mother, think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. But I don't know for sure. I think the boy should ask the girl to be his girlfriend before they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Am I right or wrong? -- PERPLEXED IN MESQUITE, TEXAS
DEAR PERPLEXED: Sometimes boys are too shy to make a formal request. However, when a boy gives a girl a gift on Valentine's Day, you can be sure it means he has special feelings for her. I vote with your friends and mother.
DEAR ABBY: I am due to have my third baby, delivered by the same doctor who delivered my first two children.
I know some women who, after the birth of their child, have sent flowers to the doctor's office as a thank-you. I also know some women who have given the flowers they received in the hospital as gifts to the nurses' station and delivering doctor.
Is it customary to send a thank-you to an obstetrician, or am I thanking them with my "business"? (And they are certainly paid handsomely for it!) Also, is passing along flowers received in the hospital a traditional thing to do, or is it cheap and tacky? -- EXPECTING IN LYONS, COLO.
DEAR EXPECTING: Leaving the bouquets is not tacky. Many patients leave them for hospital staff to enjoy after they are discharged. Some do it out of gratitude and generosity; others because they don't want the hassle of transporting the flowers.
You are under no obligation to send flowers to your doctor after the delivery. However, after three children, it would be a gracious gesture to write your doctor a note of appreciation for the way you have been treated during your pregnancies and deliveries. Money is no substitute in conveying that message.
Woman Should Call the Bluff of Deceptive Deadbeat Dad
DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old female. I have been dating this guy I'll call "Louie" for more than two years. He never told me he had anyone else. But one day he let it slip that he had been living with this woman, "Grace," for more than 10 years.
I'm not the type to break up a home. Had I known, I never would have dated him. By the time I found out, I was in love with Louie, and he said he felt the same about me.
I never knew exactly where Louie lived or had his home phone number, but I did have his cell phone number. Whenever I'd call, it was either turned off or he wouldn't answer. Finally, I called information and got his home number, but I have never used it.
Now, two years later, we have a child together. None of his family members know about our little girl. He says he does not want anyone to know right now -- especially Grace. He says she would leave him, take half his belongings and sue him for alimony.
He has given me less than $360 in child support since I gave birth. Louie says if I sue him for child support, things will get nasty. He says he will make my life a living hell. I hardly ever see him anymore. What is a woman supposed to do? I think he's afraid of Grace. I want to sue him for child support, and I have the papers filled out and sealed, but haven't mailed them yet for fear of what Louie might do. Please help me. -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS
DEAR CONFUSED: By now, I hope you realize that the father of your child is married. There were many flashing red lights in your romance with Louie -- the first ones being that you didn't know where he lived and his unwillingness to give you a working phone number. That's when you should have refused to become further involved.
I urge you to mail the papers you have filled out to the court TODAY. Do it for your little girl, because it's the only way her deadbeat father will meet his obligations to her. Do not be surprised when Louie pretends to be the injured party. During this entire time he has thought only about himself. Also, because he has threatened you, you need a lawyer to advise you. You may have to go to the police to make sure his threats are on record. It's a first step to getting a restraining order should you need one.
DEAR ABBY: For the last year I have been involved with a lovely woman who has been separated from her husband for two years. Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son, she has not yet accepted my proposal of marriage.
Her husband comes around several times a month to do work around the house and even balances her checkbook for her. They own several pieces of property together and both have good incomes.
I have expressed my concern about what is keeping her from going ahead with a divorce. She claims she's waiting for her husband to file -- and he's not ready yet! I say they're both hanging on to each other because neither of them is ready to move on with their lives. Should I wait? Or should I give up and hope to meet someone who is available for a nice guy who has a lot of love to share? -- PATIENT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PATIENT: Your lady friend may be separated, but she sounds very married to me. If she were in love with you, she would have already gone ahead with her divorce. My advice to you is to move on. At the rate this romance is going, you could wait forever.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Subdued Colors at Funeral Are Way of Paying Respect
DEAR ABBY: I have a question that you've probably never been asked before. Is there a dress code regarding "proper attire" for a funeral?
Most everyone has worn black at most of the funerals I have attended. I don't particularly like black, however. I prefer bright colors, so that's what I have chosen to wear.
Why is it that this so-called tradition is so entrenched that no one wants to break it? -- WONDERING IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.
DEAR WONDERING: In the United States, black is generally considered the color of mourning. When someone attends a funeral, it is either to pay respect to the deceased or to show support for the grieving family. At a time like this, it is considered improper to draw attention to yourself. That is the reason most people forgo bright colors and instead wear colors that are muted or subdued unless instructed otherwise.
DEAR ABBY: I need your help. For many years, my parents have not been able to care for their children. They are barely able to take care of themselves. I am the oldest child and have helped to raise my younger brother and sisters.
My youngest sister is 16, and in a couple of weeks will be marrying her boyfriend so that she'll have a place to live. (They will live with his parents after the ceremony.) I don't think this is right, but the family thinks it will be a good learning experience for her and will make her grow up faster.
I am torn because I don't feel that marriage should be used as a "lesson" to a teenager. I know with some people the marriage can last for years, but I'm afraid she will become a divorce statistic and that she's ruining any chance for living as a regular, normal teenager. What are your thoughts on this? -- JENNIFER IN UTICA, N.Y.
DEAR JENNIFER: Your concerns are valid. Your sister is marrying for the wrong reason, and most young women who do it find they have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. If there is a chance she might listen to you, please discourage her from taking this path. It is important that she complete her education and experience independence before marrying. If your parents can no longer shelter your sister, foster care or staying with a relative might be a better option than the "marriage" she's planning.
P.S. Are YOU able to take her in?
DEAR ABBY: My grandchild's mother -- she and my son were never married -- is being married soon. My wife and I have been invited to the wedding.
Must we attend? Our son will not be in attendance. All we would really want is to see our granddaughter, but we know we would have very little time with her at the wedding. We would prefer to send a nice gift, and use the time and money to visit at a different time so we can spend time with our granddaughter and visit our son.
What do you think we should do? -- MISSING OUR GRANDDAUGHTER IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MISSING: Because your finances are limited, and your grandchild will understandably be distracted at the time of the wedding, I agree that you should send a nice gift with your good wishes to the mother and visit your grandchild at a later date.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)