Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Stumbles in First Talk With Young Son About Love
DEAR ABBY: My son is 11 and, for the first time, he has a "girlfriend." I have always discouraged the children from saying they have girlfriends and boyfriends, so he has always referred to her as his "friend." Well, the other night, I heard him say, "I love you," and there were text messages on his phone from her saying it, too.
I tried to talk to him about it and explain that this is not appropriate because he's too young to really understand what love is, and he should not say it until he is older and knows what love is. He didn't respond very well and was embarrassed. I don't think I was very effective. Do you have any recommendations on how to handle this? -- SHANNON IN HOUSTON
DEAR SHANNON: I certainly do. And the first is to stop minimizing your son's feelings because you know better what he is feeling. His emotions are his own, and the more you insist they are not valid, the higher the barrier will be that you build between you. How much better it would have been had you listened to what he had to say and simply commented that along with love go responsibilities that he will come to understand as he grows older -- and that he can always tell you anything.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Carl" for six years. We have two children together. My parents hate him because, years ago, he served time in prison, and his family has very little money. They feel Carl is "beneath" me, and I can "do better."
Abby, my parents won't even see their own grandchildren unless I leave Carl at home, which isn't fair to him. He has turned his life around, earns good money at his job, and is a devoted husband and father.
How can I convince my parents to see him for who he is now, and not ostracize him for the mistake he made in the past? -- CARL'S WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CARL'S WIFE: By taking your children to see your parents and allowing them to exclude your husband, you are helping them to isolate and belittle him. The quickest way to get your parents to recognize that their behavior is unacceptable is to stop aiding and abetting it. Begin by refusing to visit unless your husband -- and the father of those grandchildren -- is welcomed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I enjoy playing golf. I am in sales, so I have the opportunity to invite clients to play golf. When I include my husband in these events, it can become very uncomfortable. If his round is not going well, he becomes upset, curses loudly and slams his club to the ground. It is extremely embarrassing to me, and I'm sure it makes my clients uncomfortable.
I'm hesitant to say anything to my husband about his behavior because I have to imagine that he isn't happy with himself when he acts that way, either. I'm considering not including him in future rounds that involve clients, but don't really like that alternative. What would you suggest? -- TEED OFF IN HOUSTON
DEAR TEED OFF: May I be frank? Business is business. Your husband's childish, unsportsmanlike behavior could have a negative effect on your ability to make a sale. Tell your husband that when he behaves that way in front of clients, it reflects badly on the both of you, and if it happens again you will have to exclude him from your business-related golf games. Then "follow through."
First Wife Remains No. 1 in Hearts of Man's Family
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Craig," and I have agreed to let you settle an argument. We have been married for seven years. Craig was married to his previous wife, "Charlotte," for 12 years. Since their divorce, Charlotte is invited to -- and attends -- all of his family's functions and holiday gatherings, as is my husband, but I am not.
Craig has told his parents that Charlotte's presence makes him uncomfortable, but they said she will "always be their daughter" and they can invite whomever they choose.
I don't think Craig should attend these gatherings with his ex-wife, but he accuses me of being selfish because if he doesn't go, he will miss out on his family's events. He says if I don't want him there with her, then I should "crash" the events and show up uninvited and unwelcomed. Who is right? -- SNUBBED IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR SNUBBED: It would be interesting to know more about how your husband's first marriage ended, because that may be what has influenced your in-laws' decision not to accept you into the family. However, as it stands, you are already experiencing enough problems without crashing his parents' gatherings, and I strongly advise against it. Your husband is selfish to ignore your feelings and go without you, but hey -- that's the doll you married.
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school. A short time ago, a freshman at my school was killed. He was walking home from a friend's house, and on his way he was hit by a drunk driver. (He was in a crosswalk.)
Abby, he was 6-foot-7 and on the football team. We called him the "gentle giant." It was a huge loss, and many people at school have been suffering this past week. His family is doing the best they can to cope with this.
Our school has sold 250 shirts made in his honor and is donating the money to his family. He is missed and was loved by so many people. Everyone at school wants to help make sure that no one has to go through this kind of tragedy again. What other ways can my school get involved with helping to support not drinking and driving? -- GRIEVING IN SAN JOSE
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your classmate. His death should be a reminder to those he left behind just how fragile and precious life can be. An effective way to memorialize him would be to see that every student in the school who takes a driving course from now on signs a contract promising not only to not mix drinking and driving, but also not to get into a car that is being driven by a person who is "under the influence."
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose wife was in a nursing home for several years before her death. "George" was very loving and faithful, and visited "Marie" every day until the Lord took her three years ago.
George and I have been seeing each other for six months, and he is still wearing his wedding ring. When we talk he mentions Marie frequently.
I am embarrassed when we go out because George still wears his wedding ring. It makes me feel like I'm going out with a married man. Why do you think he still does it? -- PUZZLED IN VIRGINIA BEACH
DEAR PUZZLED: Your friend may have worn the wedding ring for so long that taking it off would make him feel naked. He may wear it because, on some level, he still feels married to Marie. However, you have asked the wrong person. The only one who can give you a definitive answer to your question is George.
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Mom Feels Excluded When Grandmother Takes the Kids
DEAR ABBY: I have a unique problem. My mother-in-law is too nice. She insists on taking my children once or twice a week so that she can have her own time with them -- often taking them on fun outings for entire afternoons or evenings. I am not invited. Although she cannot refuse to let me come, any time I do, she makes me feel that I am intruding. I guess she likes to "play mom," and my presence interferes.
While I appreciate the fact that she goes out of her way to develop a good relationship with my children, it bothers me that she demands to see them so often and at my exclusion. Am I just being selfish for feeling left out? In my family, the attitude was always "the more the merrier." We have a good relationship otherwise. -- LEFT OUT IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR LEFT OUT: Many people reading this column would fall on their knees and kiss the ground if their parents or in-laws treated their children the way yours does. However, because you feel left out, it's time to have a frank talk with "Granny" and tell her that you would like to be able to join some of those outings without feeling that you are intruding, as you have been made to feel -- however inadvertently -- in the past. She may not be aware of the message she has been conveying.
DEAR ABBY: I believe my husband is headed for a nervous breakdown, and I don't know what to do. He is having a mid-life crisis. His hair is thinning very quickly, and he's having a problem sexually. Things have gotten so bad that I'm contemplating filing for a divorce.
Can you please tell him that he is not alone, and that there are many men his age experiencing the same problems? Please tell him that there is help. -- DESPERATE IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR DESPERATE: Of course your husband is not alone. And the proof of it lies as near as your television set, with its endless ads for Viagra, Levitra and other "male enhancements." Add to that the testimonials for hair replacement surgery, and it adds up to many thousands of men and many millions of dollars for available treatments.
This is not the time to leave your husband. What you should do is urge him to discuss his concerns with his doctor, because what is "ailing" him can almost certainly be fixed.
DEAR ABBY: I have two active boys who are 8 and 2 1/2. We are going on a 12-hour road trip to a family wedding. I shared with my mother-in-law that I am dreading the long ride and am trying to think of ways to keep the boys occupied. We have a DVD player and are taking books, toys, etc. on the trip.
I was shocked to hear my mother-in-law suggest that I give the boys Benadryl to put them to sleep. This is not the first time I have heard someone say this. Is this common practice? My husband and I would never do such a thing. Isn't that child abuse? -- APPALLED IN FREMONT, CALIF.
DEAR APPALLED: I would certainly call it child endangerment. Children should not be given medications without a doctor's prescription. If I were you, I'd start that trip at night, when the children are normally sleeping. And bring along lots of things to keep them entertained. I would also schedule stops at regular intervals so they don't get cabin fever. But drug them? Never.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)