For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Best Friend's Kinky Husband Sets Off Woman's Alarm Bells
DEAR ABBY: Over the last three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline." (In other words, "spanking.") Not only did Hazel go to meet this man in person, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!
When I met him in person, every alarm God ever gave me as a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking her after knowing me for less than 10 minutes.
Hazel keeps pressing for us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.
However, I am concerned for my friend. I'm afraid he may abuse her. I don't want to associate with him, but I don't want to lose Hazel. Can this relationship be salvaged? -- SHOCKED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.
DEAR SHOCKED: Yes, but it won't be a foursome. It'll be "just the girls" when you can both spare the time -- and I have a hunch he may be keeping your friend pretty busy. You don't have to approve of her lifestyle to make it very clear to her that you are only a phone call away if she needs you -- and that's what I recommend you do.
DEAR ABBY: My heart is aching. How should I tactfully suggest to my husband that we need marriage counseling? I don't want to provoke an argument about it, which I am afraid will happen.
We have just grown so far apart, and it's only been eight years. Everything is so negative, and I'm afraid I don't even like him anymore. I think we would be OK if we could get help. But I don't know where to start. -- FEELING ALONE IN WESTERVILLE, OHIO
DEAR FEELING ALONE: Tell your husband that you are concerned because HE doesn't seem to be happy. Tell him that you feel you have grown apart, but do not understand what has gone wrong. Tell him that you long for the relationship you had when you were first married, and that you would like for the two of you to get some marriage counseling.
If that provokes an argument, stay calm and explain that you aren't being accusatory or saying it to upset him -- just trying to bring the two of you closer again. If he refuses to go, then go without him. Counseling will help you decide the next step to take.
DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, as a Christmas gift, a friend gave me an oil painting that had been painted by her mother. I was recently told that my cancer is terminal, so I have begun "housecleaning."
Would it be all right for me to return the painting to my friend with a note expressing my delight in having once owned it? No one in my family has a desire to keep the painting. -- PREPARING TO GO IN DENVER
DEAR PREPARING TO GO: I am sorry that your prognosis is not what we would have wished. By all means, return the painting to your friend. It may have sentimental value to her -- not only because the painting was created by her mother, but also because it belonged to you. When you do, write her a note and tell her that the painting has brought you a lifetime of happiness, and you only wish you could have enjoyed it longer.
Woman Cuts Ties to Abusive Past by Changing Her Name
DEAR ABBY: "Confused in South Carolina" wrote you regarding changing her name from her abusive stepfather's back to her biological father's. That letter could have been written by me. I did change my name for the same reasons she wants to.
I, too, was adopted at age 4 and abused throughout my adolescence by my stepfather. Changing my name didn't erase the painful memories, but it did end the association made by others to the monster who adopted me. The process wasn't expensive or burdensome. After I married, I kept my father's name and hyphenated it with my husband's. I am proud of my father's name and maintain it to this day. -- DALEVILLE, IND., READER
DEAR READER: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I heard from quite a few people who said that by reclaiming their true identity, they felt empowered. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I say yes, she should do it. As a survivor of incest, I made the decision to legally fix something that had bothered me for a long time. It was easy and inexpensive, and I did it without an attorney. It felt good to take control. It was a freeing experience. And I'm sure the writer of that letter will agree. -- K.C., AKRON, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I was also abused by my stepfather. Because I was only 4 when my mom met and married him, I was saddled with his name, though not formally adopted. When I was 13, my mom asked how I'd like for him to adopt me. I said, "Hell, no!" She said she understood, and not only told him he couldn't adopt me, but said I would no longer use his name. (I asked if it could be changed.)
My name was changed to her maiden name, and I can honestly say it has made all the difference in the world to me not to have been stuck with a name that would have brought back many horrible images and memories. -- MICHELLE IN HASTINGS, NEB.
DEAR ABBY: If the writer's identity was modified or completely changed by court decree, it would be advisable to seek another court decree in resuming his or her hereditary surname, which can be the surname of either biological parent. It would be less troublesome, though, to resume the surname that appears on the official birth certificate.
If the decree is approved and duly ordered, a certified copy should be sent to the state registrar having custody of the official certificate of birth. The IRS will also need to be notified, ditto for credit card issuers (if applicable). Any lawyer who charges more than $300 would not be my first choice. It pays to shop around, even in the matter of lawyer fees. -- GOOD SAMARITAN, TUPELO, MISS.
DEAR ABBY: My mother was adopted by an abuser and carried his name for 40 years. When she did, finally, take the steps to have his name officially removed from her birth certificate, she found he would have to sign the documents waiving his rights to her. She was apprehensive about any contact with this man and worried he might refuse.
Luckily, her attorney was able to serve papers without them having to speak. And to move things quickly along, he informed her stepfather that if he didn't sign, my mother would have the rights to an inheritance from him. Needless to say, he signed immediately, and my mother has never looked so relieved as the day she had her birth father's name placed back on her birth certificate. -- M.W., RICHLAND, WASH.
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Father's Recently Found Son Loses New Family's Support
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "John" for 18 years. We have two children. Four years ago, he found out that he has a son a year and a half older than our oldest. My children welcomed "Ricky" and so did I. Now the problem:
John wants us to treat Ricky like family, but Ricky doesn't have to treat us like family. We never hear from this child; only my husband talks to him. When Ricky visits, John waits on him hand and foot and acts like the perfect father. He pretends he doesn't hear Ricky make rude comments about me and my children. Ricky can tell John that one of my children -- or I -- said something to upset him, and it is automatically our fault, no questions asked. If Ricky wants money, I am not consulted. I am told we are sending it -- regardless of the amount.
I understand John may feel guilty for not being in Ricky's life all those years, but that's not our fault. I think that if Ricky doesn't accept us, then we should be left out of it. But when he comes here, John wants us all to be present. Why should we be there for the rude comments? If I say anything about it, John says I don't love his child. I no longer say anything when he visits, afraid of being yelled at for not being "fair" to Ricky. I can't get John to see that my children and I want to be part of both their lives, but without walking on eggshells. Help! -- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IN ARIZONA
DEAR TRYING: You have already been far more tolerant than many spouses would have been. When John accused you of not "loving" his child, you should have responded: "You have made it very hard for any of us to love him because you tolerate his rudeness to me and our children. And further, I don't like the person you become when he's around."
Yes, your husband may be overcompensating for the years he never knew the boy existed, but has it occurred to you -- and John -- that perhaps the boy is punishing you for having "had" his father all those years, not to mention manipulating John?
Before this unhealthy situation goes further, I strongly recommend that you, your husband and Ricky have some sessions with a mental health professional who specializes in family therapy. Your marriage could depend on it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old female who is frustrated with people asking me about my love life. I am successful at work, own my own car and home, and have a great social circle. When I'm talking with both males and females during introductions, one thing always comes up. "You're too pretty to be single! I'm sure you can hook a man."
I don't know how to respond politely to this. I have gone on many dates where men become obsessive and controlling, and I end it very quickly at the first signs of this behavior. What should I say to people who keep inquiring about my love life? I feel they are trying to measure my success as a person by my marital status. -- SINGLE AND SUCCESSFUL IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR SINGLE AND SUCCESSFUL: When someone tells you you're too pretty to be single, respond by smiling and saying "thank you." (I'm sure it's intended as a compliment.) And when they comment about your ability to "hook" a man, tell them that's exactly what you plan to do when you meet the right one, but so far you haven't met him. Then change the subject by asking the questioners about themselves.
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