To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hans," and I have decided not to allow our two children to visit their grandparents' home while my sister-in-law, "Becky," is living there. The reason for our decision is that Becky molested Hans for about four years while they were kids.
Becky has kids of her own now and has said some things that are questionable. We feel our children would be better off without her in their lives, just to be safe. Hans' parents do not know what happened. He simply told them he has "good reason" for not allowing his children over, and not much else was said.
My problem is, my in-laws are blaming ME for the children not going over there, and now refuse to visit with us at our house. Hans' mother barely speaks to him anymore. They live only 15 minutes away and both are under 50 and in good health. Were we wrong in our decision? Do you think Hans should tell his parents why we don't visit? As with many cases of sexual abuse, Becky convinced Hans that no one would believe him if he "told," and unfortunately, that thought has stuck with him. -- DESPERATE TO MEND THE FAMILY
DEAR DESPERATE: You made the right decision in keeping your children away from Becky, but you made a mistake in not telling the grandparents exactly why. They should immediately be told the truth -- if only so they can make sure that the children under their roof now have not been molested. And if you have any reason to believe they would turn a blind eye to it, you should share your concerns with Child Protective Services.
DEAR ABBY: One of my best friends, "Patty," just became engaged. I'm happy for her. Patty was one of my bridesmaids and even acted as unofficial maid of honor. She loaned me a small amount of money, which I haven't been able to pay back yet.
Patty called me the other day. When we spoke, she mentioned the money and asked when I would repay the loan. I told her I plan to pay her back as soon as I can. Then she told me her mother is having reservations about me being one of her bridesmaids. She said her mom wanted to make sure I knew they couldn't afford to pay for my dress.
The thing is, I already knew I'd have to pay for it. I'm the only bridesmaid she has said that to, and I feel insulted. I was already planning on buying my own dress. My husband now refuses to go to the wedding, and I'm having doubts about even being in it. The wedding is scheduled for next year, so I can't blame it on pre-wedding jitters. What should I do? Should I suck up my pride, or should I refuse to be a bridesmaid? I'm really hurt by what she said. -- ALMOST-BROKE BRIDESMAID
DEAR ALMOST BROKE: Has it occurred to you that Patty's mother's concerns might be valid? If you can't afford to repay the "small amount of money" your friend loaned you, how do you plan to pay for your dress? I see no reason why you should be offended that she raised the subject. If you have owed the money for more than a month, the bride and her mother have every right to be concerned.
Rather than being offended, I think you should be apologetic, set up a repayment plan NOW, and if you can't afford to be a member of the wedding party, face that fact and admit it so it doesn't create a problem at the last minute.
DEAR ABBY: I recently met a gorgeous woman I'll call "Giselle." After we had dated for a couple of months and became physically involved, she told me she had had gender reassignment surgery and used to be a man! I was, to say the least, shocked and deeply disturbed.
I did not punch out Giselle as I would have liked to -- which brings me to my question. What is the etiquette regarding physically confronting someone like that? Is it the same as hitting a girl? We're roughly the same size. -- DISTRESSED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DISTRESSED: Because Giselle is now a female, it would, indeed, have been the same as hitting a girl, and I'm glad you restrained yourself. I have a feeling that she was probably more hurt that you stopped seeing her than any physical blow you might have inflicted. As to the "etiquette" regarding hitting her, if you hit someone of either gender, it is assault and battery -- or possibly worse -- and it's a crime that can land you in jail. Be glad you controlled your temper.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, to whom I was happily married for 20 years, has become infatuated and besotted with a certain North American poet, songwriter and entertainer. She talks about him constantly and sings his songs morning, noon and night. Every conversation somehow involves him. She listens exclusively to his music both in the car and at home, and constantly remarks how sexy, attractive and "brilliant" he is. She openly tells me she would have sex with him in a moment. She uses his picture as a screen-saver on her computer at work and is constantly surfing for information about him.
At first, I tried joking about it, then became somewhat angry, and have now given up and stopped objecting. I feel this man has taken over my marriage. My wife says she loves me and adores me, and that I'm being silly, immature and jealous and have to get over it. Please help. -- LOUIS IN HOLLYWOOD, FLA.
DEAR LOUIS: You may be jealous, but the person who is acting silly and immature is your wife. It is one thing to enjoy, admire and be curious about an entertainer. But your wife appears to have become so fixated on this man that she has emotionally abandoned you. Her crack about "having sex with him in a moment" if she got the chance was uncalled for. As far as I'm concerned, your feelings are valid, and she has some fences to mend.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl who fell in love with a 19-year-old guy. I care about him very much -- in fact, I love him. He said he cares about me, too, but doesn't want a relationship. I can understand that, but sometimes I feel as if he used me for his own needs. He's not the type of guy who does that, but it crosses my mind.
Now he has moved three states away, leaving me here to rot alone. Should I tell him how I feel, so maybe he will come back? Or do I move on and not find out what I mean to him? -- LOST IN MISSOURI
DEAR LOST: Tell the young man how you feel, but if he doesn't give you the answer you're looking for, please be fully prepared to move on. It would be a mistake to sit around waiting for the person you "think" might be Mr. Right when the REAL Mr. Right could be right in front of you.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Edith in Sweden," regarding the American woman who was talking loudly in a restaurant there, thinking no one could understand what she was saying. You commented that Americans need to understand that many people in other countries can understand English. I have had the opposite experience. Foreigners need to understand that sometimes Americans can understand them, too.
My daughter was assigned to NATO security, and while I was visiting her in Italy, the two of us went shopping in a town near Naples. The owner of a pottery shop was talking to a friend as we browsed. My daughter translated the conversation for me, in a whisper. "She's saying she can't stand the Americans and the Brits, and wishes they would leave." The woman then approached us, all smiles, and asked if she could show us something. My blue-eyed, red-haired daughter replied in fluent Italian, "Thank you, but there's nothing in this shop that we could possibly be interested in," and we left. -- AMERICAN MOM, NAPERVILLE, ILL.
DEAR AMERICAN MOM: I don't blame you for leaving -- I couldn't have gotten out of there fast enough, either. The reactions from readers about that letter are amusing and fascinating. Putting a foot in one's mouth appears to be a universal trait. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My son, an 18-year-old college football player of Italian/Irish heritage, was sitting in an airport in Austin, Texas, during a layover. A family from Japan was sitting next to him, complaining about their flight and their food, and finally, that someone nearby smelled bad. My son turned to them and, in perfect Japanese, said, "Yes, something does smell funny." He said they looked at him in shock, got up and literally ran away. He said the same thing your writer did: People shouldn't automatically assume others don't speak their language, even those visiting our country. -- DORIS IN KAILUA, HAWAII
DEAR ABBY: That letter reminded me of an incident in Munich. We were invited to dinner at a nice restaurant by a German friend. Our host, as is customary there, brought along his miniature poodle. As we passed one table, an American woman said loudly to her companions, "I wonder why the Germans always bring their pets to a restaurant?" I leaned over and said, "Probably because they have better manners than some of the people." She was speechless. -- RALPH IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR ABBY: My mother is from Germany, and I speak German. I vacationed there with my husband, two children, my mother and my in-laws. On the way home, my father-in-law and I went to the flight desk to check in. The woman behind the counter told us our plane had left two hours before! Then, in German, she said to her co-workers that we were stupid Americans, and she'd make us stay another night and take a flight the next day. I replied in German that we were not stupid, and we'd take a flight that day. Her jaw dropped, and her boss came over and ran with us to the next flight. -- CAROL IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: Our local paper ran the letter about foreign languages from a woman in Sweden, and your reply, which alluded to "bi-" and "trilingual" people.
If people speak many languages, they are multi-lingual. Three, of course, is trilingual. Two is bilingual. But what would you call a person who speaks only one language? American! -- DAVE IN ST. JOSEPH, MICH.
DEAR DAVE: Not necessarily!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)