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Nosy Aunt's Snooping May Be Sign of Deeper Disorder
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for "Wondering in Cleveland," whose Aunt Irene goes prowling through drawers during family gatherings. Rather than excluding her from future family get-togethers, how about leaving notes in all the drawers that say something like, "Hello, Aunt Irene. We hope that all our drawers pass your inspection!"
That ought to embarrass her enough to get her to cut it out without having to actually confront her. -- DAUGHTER OF ANOTHER SNOOP IN KENTUCKY
DEAR DAUGHTER: That's a cute idea -- another reader suggested stuffing the medicine chests with marbles. But several people wrote to point out that the woman could have a problem far more serious than bad manners. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You said Aunt Irene was just nosy and should not be invited back if her behavior continued. I suspect that the poor lady may suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Her behavior seems too over-the-top to just be that of a nosy person, and it fits someone who has OCD. If that's the case, what Aunt Irene needs is professional help. -- ANOTHER VIEW, NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother is in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease. Before it became obvious to those who weren't aware that she had it, she would often wander away during dinner and other family get-togethers. We would find her in bedrooms or bathrooms. She thought she was in her own home and not intruding on anybody.
"Wondering's" uncle may have seemed embarrassed when approached about the situation because he is not yet ready to divulge some touchy information. I'm offering this as food for thought that may help them in understanding the aunt's strange behavior. Locking the doors to the bedrooms would also be a good solution. -- LAURA IN NEW PORT RICHEY, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I had the same experience with my mother when my uncle passed away. I took her to the funeral 1,000 miles away. He was her only brother. She became restless and wandered from room to room, opening closets. My aunt was very annoyed and embarrassed by her behavior. I thought her uncharacteristic behavior was caused by grief.
It turned out my mother was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's patients live in a state of confusion. They prowl around trying to find something that makes sense to them. They misplace valuables and look in drawers and closets for them, and they also forget what they are looking for.
Your advice to leave her out of family gatherings and tell her it is because of her behavior would be cruel. If she has Alzheimer's, she has no power of reasoning or logic, and her feelings would be very hurt. I took my mother into my home for the last five years of her life. It was the most difficult task I have ever done, but it was character-building because of the patience I had to learn. Aunt Irene will need a lot of love and understanding if she, too, has this disease -- if that is what it is, and I'm betting she does. -- JAYNE IN WACO, TEXAS
Workers Suffer Overexposure to Proud Dad's Baby Photos
DEAR ABBY: Most of us appreciate the joy of a new parent showing off snapshots for the first few months of a child's life. But enough, already!
My co-worker's first child will be 1 year old next week. Every single week he walks around the office, fresh pictures in hand, stopping at desks up and down the room.
We understand his pride, but our forced grins are getting old. Can you, maybe, send a message to new parents out there to let it rest after the first few months? How about posting a Web site that people can visit at their leisure? I don't want to be cruel, but I don't want to be trapped into dutifully "oooing" and "aaahhing," either. Help! -- BABY O.D. IN LONG BEACH
DEAR BABY O.D.: I'm sure many readers will sympathize, truly sympathize, with your plight. The weekly "show and tell" can be hard to take after a while. That's why you and your co-workers should suggest to the proud papa that he start assembling a photo album that will eventually become a treasured family keepsake in years to come. Assure him that you'd be glad to review it -- quarterly. Or, in self-defense, parents and pet owners could begin flashing pictures of their own little ones for him to admire every time he comes by with his new batch of snapshots. (After a while, he'd get the message.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are both retired. We have been married less than a year.
When we were selling our individual dwellings and jointly purchasing one together, we discussed at length what we would use in furnishing the new residence. We mutually decided that most of my furniture and accessories were in better shape than those coming from his 12 years living as a widower in a furnished condo. He assured me that nothing he possessed had sentimental value. There were, however, many personal items belonging to his deceased wife.
He consulted me about each item -- should this be sold at a yard sale? Should that be given to charity? What about her hobby things? I tried to be fair in my assessment of their possible use in our new life together. The old Remington typewriter was sold to an antique dealer. The lace-making materials were given to the local recreation center.
Now, every time we get into an argument, he "reminds" me that there is very little in this house that is his. Then he goes on to say I "made" him dispose of things that meant a lot to him. What recourse do I have in silencing these unfair and untrue statements that serve only to inflame and cause smoldering resentment? -- GALLED IN GOODYEAR, ARIZ.
DEAR GALLED: Look at your husband and say: "I thought the decision to get rid of those things was mutual. I'm sorry you are sorry. If you're having regrets, consider this: You gave up those 'things,' but now you have ME -- and I love you."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "It has been said that man is the only animal who laughs, the only one who weeps, the only one who prays, the only one who walks fully erect, the only one who makes fires, the only one who can invent, the only one with a written language, the only one who is proud, the only one who can make progress, the only one who guides his own destiny, the only one who is penitent, and the only one who needs to be." -- DAVID ELTON TRUEBLOOD
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Is Angry to Be Left Out of Party Planning Loop
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Dale," was planning a surprise 40th birthday party for my sister, "Linda." I found out about the party one week before it happened. Dale made a point of telling everyone he invited not to tell me about it because he knew I would tell Linda and spoil the surprise. My husband was also in on it and said nothing about it until the week before the party.
Linda is my sister, and I know how much this party meant to Dale and the surprise was also important. However, I cannot forgive my brother-in-law for going out of his way to tell people not to tell me. In the end, I heard nonstop comments about it, and wasn't even involved in the planning of my only sister's big party.
When Linda found out, she was also upset with Dale. I no longer speak to him. I'm still angry at being excluded from the planning and the fact that he made it a point to tell everyone why. All of us have problems keeping some secrets, but a secret like a surprise party could have been kept from my sister. This whole issue is causing tension between Linda and me, and Dale has made no effort in reconciling this issue. Am I wrong in feeling this way toward Dale? Should I continue to dislike him about it? -- FURIOUS IN NEW YORK
DEAR FURIOUS: You stated clearly that you have a reputation for not keeping secrets. It was important to your brother-in-law that the party be a surprise. I think he acted prudently in keeping you out of the loop as long as he could. If you are looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmo," hid money from me for more than a year. When we did our taxes this year, $11,000 of what he earned was unaccounted for. He said he kept it for his "security," and he doesn't think he did anything wrong or that he lied or deceived me. He said the money was his to do with as he wished, without my knowledge or consent.
Abby, during our eight years of marriage, I have never hidden any money from Elmo. At times I have supported both of us because of his frequent illnesses, or the fact that he was out of a job, or simply didn't earn a decent salary. There is more to our problems, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I feel I have been deceived and lied to, and we have separated over it. For my peace of mind, shouldn't he have to acknowledge what he did -- or am I overreacting? We have been to marriage counseling several times, and this is our second separation. I need a third-party opinion. -- ELMO'S WIFE IN ARIZONA
DEAR ELMO'S WIFE: It has been my experience that people who are secretive usually have something to hide. Most couples who pool their money give themselves some kind of "allowance" to do with as they wish, and do not have to account to each other for every penny. Because your husband deliberately kept the information from you, I have to agree that his actions were deceptive. But getting him to admit that fact may be more trouble than it's worth. So please accept that "You're right," the words you are longing to hear your husband say, may never pass his lips.
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