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Law Enforcement Worker Uses Connection to Track Down Man
DEAR ABBY: I recently got a phone call from a woman I hadn't heard from in 30 years. "Vivian" and I once had a short fling. We had a long talk, catching up, and she said she had gotten my number from my sister, who lives out of state.
I was surprised not only to hear from Vivian, but also that she lives only 25 miles away. She mentioned that when she moved south 19 years ago, she worked in a law enforcement office. When I spoke with my sister, she said that when Vivian contacted her, Vivian told her she had always loved me and was going to marry me.
All of a sudden, I began getting letters from her -- but I never gave her my address. In every letter she would pour her heart out to me, but never included her return address. She would call me, sometimes three times a day. I didn't answer because she was coming on too strong. Every message Vivian left was full of emotion, sometimes sobbing, telling me how much she loves me and wants to be with me.
A few nights ago, she showed up at my door, demanding to know why I was "avoiding her." I didn't invite her in. We sat on my front porch, and I had a long talk with her. I explained that a lot has changed in both our lives; I had come out as gay and was just out of a 10-year relationship. I said I was feeling depressed and confused, and didn't want to get into a relationship with anyone -- male or female -- at this time. My being gay didn't faze her. She seemed to think she could change me instantly.
As our conversation progressed, she admitted that she had gone back to the law enforcement office and some of the old employees had done a search on me. They told her where I was living and gave her directions on how to get to my home, information on how many vehicles I own and the license numbers, and who knows what else.
I feel violated. I feel Vivian has crossed a very fine line. I feel I'm being stalked, and it's giving me nightmares. Was what she did legal, and how should I handle this? -- VIOLATED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR VIOLATED: It should be apparent by now that your old "fling" has mental problems. Her behavior could, indeed, be considered stalking. If you still have the letters and recordings of her messages, give them to your legal counsel with the explanation that she located you through information given to her by a law enforcement agency where she used to work. The law enforcement agency that got you into this mess should get you out of it. You should document every incident of harassment, and while you're at it, consult your physician about the nightmares and stress you've been subjected to. Your attorney should have all of this information at his or her disposal.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to resolve something between me and my boyfriend. I bought him three yellow roses, and he was insulted! He says yellow roses mean only friendship. My grandmother says three roses mean love. I think ANY rose says I love you.
Is red the only color rose that means I love you? -- HURT IN LOUISIANA
DEAR HURT: Although traditionally red roses symbolize love and yellow roses symbolize friendship, my mother's favorite color of rose is yellow, and that is what she receives from my father on every special occasion.
Your boyfriend's reaction was extremely ungracious. He should have thanked you for the roses in the spirit in which they were given. Please give him a message for me: When someone reacts that way to a gift, it reduces his chances of getting any more.
High School Abuse Victim Is Afraid to Revisit the Past
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s. When I was in high school, a male teacher sexually abused me. After my parents and I went to the authorities about it, it became widely known. The teacher resigned, and the case was dismissed. However, like many high school students are, my peers were cruel and insisted it was my fault. Many of them seemed to think I had brought it on myself.
I have since received several years of therapy. I have moved on with my life, and I'm happy. I am being married in the fall, and I'm now a teacher myself, dedicated to protecting my students.
My high school reunion is coming up, and I'd like to go. I've lost track of several friends from high school, and I'd like to see "where everyone is at" in their lives.
My problem is I'm afraid to see the cruel people who made my life so difficult back then. I'm afraid they will bring up the subject. I want to forget about it and continue moving on with my life. What do you think I should do? -- FRIGHTENED BUT CURIOUS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR FRIGHTENED BUT CURIOUS: It's important that you remember that you are no longer the inexperienced young woman who was victimized by that sexual predator. Contact the reunion committee and inquire if the former classmates you want to see plan to attend. (If they don't, you may not want to go.) If they do, then go to the reunion, reconnect and have a good time. And if any of the others are so insensitive as to raise the subject of your abuse, inform them that it took years for you to get over the damage that teacher did, and the trauma they perpetuated because of their cruel and ignorant gossip. Say you don't care to discuss it, then change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please settle our question about what is proper attire for church? Are short shorts, tube tops and flip-flops suitable for a house of worship? -- DISMAYED IN MARYSVILLE, MICH.
DEAR DISMAYED: I was raised that a person should dress "respectfully" in the house of the Lord. That means fully shod and covered up enough so that it doesn't distract the other worshippers. However, dress codes have been greatly relaxed in recent decades. Each congregation has its own standards and, in the final analysis, it is up to the clergyperson and governing body to decide what is or is not appropriate.
DEAR READERS: A group of distinguished geriatric psychiatrists is interested in learning about the experiences of seniors in getting help for mental and emotional problems. (Geriatric psychiatrists are doctors who specialize in older patients.) They would welcome information such as how older people feel about mental health problems, where you seek help for them, what you feel needs to be done to improve services, and whether you'd like more mental health services than you are getting now.
If you care to share this information, please direct your letters to: Dr. Gene Cohen, Center on Aging, Health and Humanities, 10225 Montgomery Ave., Kensington, MD 20895, or e-mail: � HYPERLINK "mailto:dcagingcenter@aol.com" ��dcagingcenter@aol.com�. (Dr. Cohen is director of the center.)
P.S. If you would like to "vent," they're ready to hear it.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl Unhappy With Her Room Should Take Charge Herself
DEAR ABBY: You missed an opportunity with the 13-year-old girl who is dissatisfied with her bedroom and always the recipient of hand-me-downs. Telling her to get a trusted adult to speak on her behalf was tantamount to advising her to recruit someone to help her whine. At 13, she's old enough to be more proactive in making her room the way she wants it.
Her dresser and closet are overstuffed with hand-me-downs that no longer fit? Grab a box, pull out everything that doesn't fit, fold it neatly and put it in the box. These, and the neatly stacked hangers, can be donated to the Salvation Army -- or another group -- and she'll have a lot of new space.
Her furniture is rickety? Can it be glued, clamped, made sturdy again and repainted?
The computer is in the study? Maybe she should clear off her desk and make room for it in her room.
She doesn't like white walls? What if she offered to paint them herself if her parents supply the paint?
She should clear out, refurbish, redecorate and grow up! She complains about her pitiable situation, which she has made no effort to remedy herself, and yet shows not one hint of understanding or compassion for her parents who are working, taking care of multiple children and who have just finished building a new house for them. Has she no concept of how much money and effort that requires?
It's time that girl stopped whining and did something for herself. She could make a tremendous change in her room by her own effort. She may also find that this independent effort may bring her the attention and respect she so obviously wants. -- I DID IT, SHE CAN, TOO
DEAR DID IT: Thank you for offering the girl some other options. It's interesting that you interpreted her cry for help as "whining." I viewed her as a girl who is afraid or unable to speak up for herself because she has been raised to believe that her feelings don't count and her opinions don't matter.
Yes, she could do all of the things you suggested -- but in the final analysis, her parents would have to permit it. That's why I advised her to get an adult relative or close family friend to help her talk to her parents. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I read between the lines of the letter from the girl who wrote that she receives only discarded items and whose father will not paint her room. And yet, she expressed gratitude for having a home. Neglect, favoritism and enforced public gratitude could indicate an abusive, tyrannical parent or parents. While it's hard to know from so brief a letter, that child may be being punished for something that was beyond her control, and be unwilling or unable to express or admit deeper problems.
I know. I was such a child. -- READER IN HOUSTON
DEAR HOUSTON READER: That occurred to me, too. That's why I advised the writer to talk to a trusted adult.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know why that girl's room isn't furnished as nicely as her sisters', but her computer may have been placed in the study for a good reason: the child's safety.
My two children weren't allowed to have a computer in their bedrooms until they were 18. Before that, if they wanted to use the computer/Internet, they had to use the one in the family room, which was situated so the screen was visible to anyone who passed by. -- CAUTIOUS MOM IN ALABAMA
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)