Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Boyfriend's Web of Stories Gets Tangled in the Truth
DEAR ABBY: After being single for several years, I met the man of my dreams. "Chet" was everything I was searching for. We have become very close, and I'd trust him with my life. For nearly a year our relationship has been bliss. Chet seems to be completely devoted to me.
He told me when we first met that his wife had died seven years ago from diabetes. He seemed upset at the memory of her loss, and I never pressed him for more details. He wears a lock of her hair braided to his, and I never really thought much about it.
Well, Chet took me "home" for the Easter holiday. Some things were casually said in passing, and his story began to unravel. After I got home I accessed public records and found in place of a death certificate, a judgment for divorce in 2001! I couldn't believe that Chet would lie to me. I felt such a deep connection to him.
When I confronted him about it, he told me that to him, she IS dead. He says he never looks back, only forward, and that he didn't want to discuss it further. When I brought up the trust issue, he said he had never cheated on me or been with another woman -- completely ignoring the fact he'd lied.
I could understand his wearing his deceased wife's hair -- but his divorced wife's? Now he says it isn't her hair; it's hair he bought and he likes the way it looks. Then why did he tell me it was his wife's hair? I want more than anything to get past this because we really are good together. Please help me. -- DAZED IN DENVER
DEAR DAZED: Your confusion is understandable, but for your own sake you must open your eyes and see clearly. The man you would trust with your life is someone who dwells in his own reality; he bends the truth for his own convenience. Your relationship may feel warm and cozy, but you can't believe a word the man says -- and my advice to you is to double-check EVERYTHING he has told you.
Your boyfriend appears to be a compulsive liar, and if you are wise, you will end the relationship before you get sucked in any further. You fell in love with the person he portrayed himself to be, but it's not who he really is at all.
DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old son was killed recently in an auto accident. We had long dreaded that his life might end like this. He had a history of many traffic tickets and a terrible driving record. He had totaled three vehicles in the last three years. The wreck that killed him was his fourth accident in three years.
We have discovered that our son's grandmother took out a large life insurance policy on him after the first accident. Thinking that his own grandmother would "bet" on his death has made our grief even harder to bear. At first, when we confronted her, she said she had taken out the policy to ensure his proper burial because we have no money. (My wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 1/2 years ago, and the treatment left us destitute.)
The policy is many times the cost of our son's funeral. When the funeral director asked my wife and me in the presence of other relatives (including his grandmother), if there was a life insurance policy to defray the expenses, I turned and looked at her. She didn't utter a word! We borrowed the money from my wife's brother.
We don't want a penny of this "blood money" for ourselves or our son's burial. But now our son's grandmother is acting very hostile to us. We feel she saw our son's bad driving record and thought she had a chance to profit from his death. Are we wrong? -- BROKENHEARTED PARENTS IN TEXAS
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: You have my sympathy not only for the loss of your son, but also the loss of your illusions about his grandmother. People who feel guilty often act hostile. Unless there is something you failed to mention in your letter, it appears you have assessed the grandmother's motives correctly.
Going Far Away to College Made Coming Home an Event
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Nicky," who is debating whether or not to move away to college, I have some thoughts I'd like to share:
I am 25, an only child who had never spent more than two weeks away from home. My first couple of months away at college were hard on both my parents and me, but all of us grew and matured. Because of the distance, I was able to return home only at Thanksgiving, Christmas and spring break. Being away made the homecomings that much sweeter. I'll never forget the hugs I got when I stepped off the plane that first Thanksgiving of my freshman year.
Any student seriously considering moving away from home should do so. While the experience isn't for everyone, those who can handle it will have the time of their lives. They will learn to be independent, strong, resourceful -- and social.
Please tell that student not to be afraid to fly. There's no feeling like it in the world. -- FLEDGLING WHO FLEW, SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR FLEDGLING: You are sweet to encourage "Nicky" by sharing your college experience. Readers who commented on that letter each viewed it from a different perspective. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Nicky" was off base! You said if her only concern was homesickness, to go for it. Our daughter, who couldn't wait to "leap from the nest," cried like a baby the day we moved her to her dorm, and she came home every weekend for several months. Thank goodness we were only two hours away! Nicky should stay close to home for at least the first semester and save herself possible grief and loss of tuition if things don't work out. The first year of college is hard enough without adding emotional upsets to the mix. -- A MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I attended three different colleges, each for a different degree. If Nicky chooses to go to Tampa, she should remember that she's not stuck there. I think she should start close to home, and if she still wants to make a big move in her sophomore or junior year -- when she's sure what she wants to major in -- then go for it. I commuted to school for two years, then transferred to a college farther away. It was hard the first semester away, but it got better, and I loved it. Also, if there's a local community college that costs less, start there -- but make sure the credits are transferable. -- ELIZABETH IN LEVITTOWN, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: At the end of your reply to "Nicky," you asked if the finances could be managed. There are many ways to finance college, including government financial aid and Pell grants that Nicky could qualify for. I now regret not attending my dream college right after high school.
Tell her to sit down with her school counselor and explore her options to go where her dreams are. With professional input she can make an educated choice, challenge herself, and fly like the wind! -- SHANNON IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR ABBY: Most universities have summer programs for students who have finished their junior year of high school. A summer session at the "dream college" this year, or next year after graduation, would let Nicky get a feel for the place. Four to six weeks is a good trial run, and far less expensive than enrolling and then transferring if things don't work out. -- FORMER TEACHER, MADISON, WIS.
DEAR ABBY: College is the time to try something new. As for not being able to visit home often -- get a campus job! That way, you don't have to ask your parents for money to come home; you can just DO it. -- ASHLEY IN NEW YORK CITY
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Neighbor Is Not Flattered by Copycat's Imitations
DEAR ABBY: I met my neighbor "Summer" about 18 months ago when we bought homes in the same development. She was nice; we became very chummy. We'd visit each other's homes for dinner, cookouts, or just to talk and hang out. Summer and her boyfriend and my husband and I had great times together.
Abby, Summer is becoming a fatal attraction! She came over one day while I was decorating my son's room and admired the bedroom furniture. Then she ran out and bought the same bed for her son. That was just the beginning: She has since copied my dining room set, my dog, my hairstyle, paint in the kids' room, wood floors and -- get this -- my living room set in the identical color. I recently bought a car. So did she, same make and model.
I no longer speak with Summer as often as I used to, and I think she's sensing something is wrong. My husband says it's hilarious, but my kids and I don't. If I mention that I want something in casual conversation, before you know it, she's breaking her neck to get it. My kids say I should mention something big and expensive that I "want" and let her run out and get it.
My co-workers tell me I should take it as a compliment, but I can't. When you buy a home, you add your own special touches, and it should reflect who you are -- not your neighbor. Please help me. I enjoyed Summer's company at one point, and now I no longer want her in my home. I haven't spoken to her about this, but how can I without blowing my top? -- FUMING IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FUMING: You have described a person who is unimaginative and insecure about making her own choices. The poor woman needs help, not banishment. By all means talk to her -- but when you do, offer to help her to make some design and fashion statements that are her own. That way, you could enjoy each other's company and you will not be encroached upon. Before blasting her, please give it a try. It would be a kindness to someone who is obviously less creative than you.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man who has demonstrated a severe anger problem in recent months. When "Zack" gets angry, he has thrown objects around in his house, knocked over furniture, and screamed and yelled things that I have confided to him for the whole neighborhood (not to mention his roommate) to hear.
When these episodes occur, I pick up my purse and head for the door. Then he blocks my way, throws his keys so I can't unlock the door and grabs my personal belongings -- especially my cell phone -- to prevent my making a phone call or leaving.
Telling him I'm scared of him and that I want to go doesn't seem to get through. He always steps in front of me, pushes me back and, basically, throws my things around so I have to pick them up and I can't get out.
I have told him before that I can't date someone who won't let me leave if I'm scared or threatened. He says he "understands," but then it happens again!
What are the legal ramifications of his preventing me from leaving? Are there certain steps I can take other than breaking a window to get out? I secretly hope he sees this so he will know I'm serious. -- SCARED IN HOUSTON
DEAR SCARED: Preventing a person from leaving in the manner you have described is called "false imprisonment," and it is a crime. However, what puzzles me is why you would allow such a thing to happen twice. Surely you are aware that Zack is a person who is unable to control his emotions, and that the longer you are involved with him the more his outbursts will escalate. He's an abuser, and the surest way to "get out" is to do it NOW by ending the relationship. You can't cure his problem. Only he can do that. My advice to you is to run, before he gets angry again.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)