For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Going Far Away to College Made Coming Home an Event
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Nicky," who is debating whether or not to move away to college, I have some thoughts I'd like to share:
I am 25, an only child who had never spent more than two weeks away from home. My first couple of months away at college were hard on both my parents and me, but all of us grew and matured. Because of the distance, I was able to return home only at Thanksgiving, Christmas and spring break. Being away made the homecomings that much sweeter. I'll never forget the hugs I got when I stepped off the plane that first Thanksgiving of my freshman year.
Any student seriously considering moving away from home should do so. While the experience isn't for everyone, those who can handle it will have the time of their lives. They will learn to be independent, strong, resourceful -- and social.
Please tell that student not to be afraid to fly. There's no feeling like it in the world. -- FLEDGLING WHO FLEW, SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR FLEDGLING: You are sweet to encourage "Nicky" by sharing your college experience. Readers who commented on that letter each viewed it from a different perspective. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Nicky" was off base! You said if her only concern was homesickness, to go for it. Our daughter, who couldn't wait to "leap from the nest," cried like a baby the day we moved her to her dorm, and she came home every weekend for several months. Thank goodness we were only two hours away! Nicky should stay close to home for at least the first semester and save herself possible grief and loss of tuition if things don't work out. The first year of college is hard enough without adding emotional upsets to the mix. -- A MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I attended three different colleges, each for a different degree. If Nicky chooses to go to Tampa, she should remember that she's not stuck there. I think she should start close to home, and if she still wants to make a big move in her sophomore or junior year -- when she's sure what she wants to major in -- then go for it. I commuted to school for two years, then transferred to a college farther away. It was hard the first semester away, but it got better, and I loved it. Also, if there's a local community college that costs less, start there -- but make sure the credits are transferable. -- ELIZABETH IN LEVITTOWN, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: At the end of your reply to "Nicky," you asked if the finances could be managed. There are many ways to finance college, including government financial aid and Pell grants that Nicky could qualify for. I now regret not attending my dream college right after high school.
Tell her to sit down with her school counselor and explore her options to go where her dreams are. With professional input she can make an educated choice, challenge herself, and fly like the wind! -- SHANNON IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR ABBY: Most universities have summer programs for students who have finished their junior year of high school. A summer session at the "dream college" this year, or next year after graduation, would let Nicky get a feel for the place. Four to six weeks is a good trial run, and far less expensive than enrolling and then transferring if things don't work out. -- FORMER TEACHER, MADISON, WIS.
DEAR ABBY: College is the time to try something new. As for not being able to visit home often -- get a campus job! That way, you don't have to ask your parents for money to come home; you can just DO it. -- ASHLEY IN NEW YORK CITY
Neighbor Is Not Flattered by Copycat's Imitations
DEAR ABBY: I met my neighbor "Summer" about 18 months ago when we bought homes in the same development. She was nice; we became very chummy. We'd visit each other's homes for dinner, cookouts, or just to talk and hang out. Summer and her boyfriend and my husband and I had great times together.
Abby, Summer is becoming a fatal attraction! She came over one day while I was decorating my son's room and admired the bedroom furniture. Then she ran out and bought the same bed for her son. That was just the beginning: She has since copied my dining room set, my dog, my hairstyle, paint in the kids' room, wood floors and -- get this -- my living room set in the identical color. I recently bought a car. So did she, same make and model.
I no longer speak with Summer as often as I used to, and I think she's sensing something is wrong. My husband says it's hilarious, but my kids and I don't. If I mention that I want something in casual conversation, before you know it, she's breaking her neck to get it. My kids say I should mention something big and expensive that I "want" and let her run out and get it.
My co-workers tell me I should take it as a compliment, but I can't. When you buy a home, you add your own special touches, and it should reflect who you are -- not your neighbor. Please help me. I enjoyed Summer's company at one point, and now I no longer want her in my home. I haven't spoken to her about this, but how can I without blowing my top? -- FUMING IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FUMING: You have described a person who is unimaginative and insecure about making her own choices. The poor woman needs help, not banishment. By all means talk to her -- but when you do, offer to help her to make some design and fashion statements that are her own. That way, you could enjoy each other's company and you will not be encroached upon. Before blasting her, please give it a try. It would be a kindness to someone who is obviously less creative than you.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man who has demonstrated a severe anger problem in recent months. When "Zack" gets angry, he has thrown objects around in his house, knocked over furniture, and screamed and yelled things that I have confided to him for the whole neighborhood (not to mention his roommate) to hear.
When these episodes occur, I pick up my purse and head for the door. Then he blocks my way, throws his keys so I can't unlock the door and grabs my personal belongings -- especially my cell phone -- to prevent my making a phone call or leaving.
Telling him I'm scared of him and that I want to go doesn't seem to get through. He always steps in front of me, pushes me back and, basically, throws my things around so I have to pick them up and I can't get out.
I have told him before that I can't date someone who won't let me leave if I'm scared or threatened. He says he "understands," but then it happens again!
What are the legal ramifications of his preventing me from leaving? Are there certain steps I can take other than breaking a window to get out? I secretly hope he sees this so he will know I'm serious. -- SCARED IN HOUSTON
DEAR SCARED: Preventing a person from leaving in the manner you have described is called "false imprisonment," and it is a crime. However, what puzzles me is why you would allow such a thing to happen twice. Surely you are aware that Zack is a person who is unable to control his emotions, and that the longer you are involved with him the more his outbursts will escalate. He's an abuser, and the surest way to "get out" is to do it NOW by ending the relationship. You can't cure his problem. Only he can do that. My advice to you is to run, before he gets angry again.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bald Is Beautiful for Men Unwilling to Hide Under Rug
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Bald in Baltimore," the man who's considering getting rid of his wig, left me feeling you were advising someone with an "affliction" that isn't normally publicized. (I have false teeth, so should I also have a "coming-out party"? Pun intended.)
My 40-something-year-old son lost most of his hair by the time he was 22 -- thanks to genes from my side of the family. When he was in his 30s, he and a couple of friends shaved their heads on a dare, and he has kept it that way ever since. It's a popular and fashionable look. "Bald in Baltimore" should retire the wig and join the bandwagon with a shaved head. -- NANCY IN SPRING, TEXAS
DEAR NANCY: If my comment about the "coming-out party" offended you, it was not meant to. I was being literal. Many other readers agreed with me that the hairpiece was unnecessary. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: Your idea of a coming-out (or off) party is a great one. He must have a sense of humor about all this. Have a laugh and be done with it. I hope he knows that what makes a man appealing isn't a head of hair but his attitude, outlook, and the way he treats others. When he loses the wig he will gain his freedom. -- DENVER LADY
DEAR ABBY: Hooray to "Bald in Baltimore" who's thinking of ditching his rug. Many women find bald men attractive, and I am one of them. So what if his head is shaped a "little" funny! That's what makes him an individual, like our fingernails, noses or toes. I'd rather see a bald man any day than a "rug" or a "comb-over." That man needs to know he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. And bravo to you, Dear Abby, for suggesting a coming-out party. What an excellent idea. -- T.L.C., CANVAS, W.VA.
DEAR ABBY: I totally agree with your answer to "Bald in Baltimore." My husband has the same problem. I met him when he was bald. We have been married seven years and have three beautiful children together. I think it's time that writer ditches the wig and becomes the man he always wanted to be! -- M.S., OKEECHOBEE, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I worked for many years with a man in the same situation. His mother also objected to him "coming out" from under the wig. Her real objection was that his baldness made HER feel "old." Perhaps that's what is behind "Bald in Baltimore's" mother's comment as well. -- PATRICIA IN BELLE, W.VA.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s. When I was still in college, I met a wonderful man in his 30s. He was completely bald. He explained to me that when his hairline began to recede, he started shaving his head rather than dealing with the anxiety of it. I saw old pictures of him with hair, and I can honestly say I like him better without it. What attracted me to him was his personality, his intelligence, and the fact that he treated me better than gold.
Please tell "Bald in Baltimore" to do what he feels comfortable with and be true to himself. In the end, he'll find it is the best decision he ever made. -- SHERI IN ALBERTVILLE, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: When I read your advice to the man in Baltimore to have a "coming-out party" to get rid of his wig, I thought, "Wouldn't it be wild to arrange to 'shave' his head if people pledged money for cancer research or some other favorite charity?" -- KATHY IN CHICAGO
DEAR KATHY: Yes! I love your idea. Way to go!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)