What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Let Prospective Son in Law Buy Engagement Ring Himself
DEAR ABBY: Would it be OK to offer an interest-free loan to a prospective son-in-law to buy my daughter an engagement ring? They have been dating -- indeed, living together -- for more than two years. They talk about wedding plans all the time. He's already like part of the family.
We conjecture that he has not popped the question because he can't afford to purchase an engagement ring. He's currently working part-time, low-income jobs while he waits for our daughter to get her college degree before he/they go to graduate school. -- CARING DAD IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CARING DAD: When in doubt -- don't. Although your idea is generous, I think you should refrain from making the offer. Your daughter's boyfriend may have other reasons for not popping the question, including not feeling ready to make a lifetime commitment to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I recently went to a salon to have my hair dyed back to my natural color. The stylist did a wonderful job and I'm happy with the results, as it's hard to match the color of someone's roots with hair dye.
However, later I went out to dinner with a friend, and she pointed out a large stain of hair dye on the back of my shirt. I'm not sure what to do. I'm fairly certain the stylist must have seen it as she walked me to the counter. It was a brand-new shirt and cost me $40 the day before I went to the salon, and it was the first time I had ever worn it.
I'd like to ask the salon to pay for the cost of the shirt, but would this be proper? -- SCARLET WOMAN IN LEXINGTON, KY.
DEAR SCARLET: You are certainly within your rights to ask if you feel that the stylist saw the problem and kept it from you. When you went in for the procedure, you should have been offered the opportunity to change into a smock so there would be no chance that your clothing would be ruined. And in the future, when going to a beauty salon for color, you should ask for one.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday my husband and oldest son went to pick up my youngest son from my parents' home. During the 15 minutes they were there, my parents told them nine times that they had something for our children, and they would be over another day to help assemble it. Also, my mother repeated eight times to our oldest son to make sure he didn't allow his brother to have a small object. None of us have hearing problems, and my oldest son is very smart and responsible when it comes to knowing what his little brother can and cannot have.
My parents are in their early 60s. Both of them are healthy. The thing is, they repeat themselves over and over again all the time. What makes a person do this? We have tried telling them that they have already told us a dozen times. Whenever we try, they either "don't get it" or they get upset and pout. Does anyone else have to deal with this? It's really annoying. -- PETE AND REPEAT IN OHIO
DEAR PETE AND REPEAT: Absolutely. However, they are usually families whose relative is suffering from some form of dementia or has had small strokes. I don't know how long this problem has been going on, but your parents' doctor should be alerted that there may be a potential problem.
Boyfriend in Family Photo Can Always Be Edited Out
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Keith," and I are eagerly awaiting the birth of our first child. Sadly, Keith's mother is in very poor health. She's not expected to live more than a few months after the birth of her newest grandchild.
For this reason, all of Keith's siblings are planning to visit after the baby arrives so that everyone can pose for one last family photo, complete with our new baby. My problem is with Keith's niece, "Bridget." I know when the time comes to snap the picture, Bridget will insist on including her latest loser boyfriend.
I wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that Bridget has a history of demanding that her current boyfriends be put in family photos and then insisting that the pictures never see the light of day again after the relationship has ended. She threw a fit at my in-laws' anniversary party when she saw that their picture board contained family pictures with past boyfriends. She was even so bold as to tell everyone in Keith's family to get rid of any family pictures from our wedding because seeing images of her boyfriend at the time "dredged up too many painful memories." (That boyfriend would eventually become her ex-husband, to whom she was married for only one month.)
How do I inform Bridget that her newest boyfriend is not wanted in what will most likely be the only family portrait to include my baby? -- MOTHER-TO-BE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MOTHER-TO-BE: I see no reason to "inform" Bridget that the family regards her current boyfriend-to-be as yet another loser. It will only cause her to become hurt and defensive, and create resentment that could last for years. Instead, when everyone is lined up for the family picture, make sure that Bridget's boyfriend is posed on the end of the grouping. That way, if the romance tanks he can easily be photo-edited out.
DEAR ABBY: I often order a cup of herbal tea with dinner at restaurants. I use quite a bit of sugar, and end up with four to five empty packets after I've sweetened my tea. What should I do with them? I've tried hiding them under the saucer, but they never seem to fit. -- TEA LOVER IN NEW YORK
DEAR TEA LOVER: Because the "evidence" is making you self-conscious, you could sneak the packets into your purse (or even your brassiere). However, speaking as a fellow sugar addict, my advice is to start cutting back on the sugar, because not only is it addictive, it also makes you crave more and more. And an hour after you've consumed it, you'll feel as fatigued as you felt "energized" immediately afterward.
DEAR ABBY: I was adopted by a stepfather when I was 9. My real father died when I was 5. I am now 25 and want to change my last name back to that of my biological father. My mother divorced my stepfather seven years ago.
Abby, my stepfather abused me badly, so I have had a hard time dealing with this. I have since had counseling, which helped a great deal. I just need to know -- is it worth it to go through the trouble of legally changing my name back, especially if I were to get married in the next five years or so? I just hate that I'm still associated with the man who hurt me years ago. -- CONFUSED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONFUSED: Because the name has painful associations for you, it would not only be "worth it," it would also be cathartic. I say, go for it! Bury the name with all the unhappiness that was associated with it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Co Ed Slumber Parties Aren't Always What They Seem
DEAR ABBY: I believe your answer to "Perplexed in Pennsylvania" was incomplete. Co-ed slumber parties are now common, which (as you pointed out) does not make them appropriate. However, the ones my children were invited to when they were adolescents were acceptable to me because they were well chaperoned and did not involve any actual "slumber." Rather, they were an excuse to stay up all night playing board games, watching videos, eating junk food and just talking. This is different from what you might imagine, where the group of children would be sent off to the family room to fend for themselves.
You should have advised "Perplexed" to get more details about the party, particularly as to what activities were planned and who would chaperone. -- GINGER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR GINGER: Perhaps. However, I'm still not sure I agree with the concept. Some readers agree with you, while others agreed with me -- and that's what makes for an interesting discussion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my son was a senior, three couples went to the prom together, and I invited them to stay the night. I had breakfast ready when they came in, and I'd promised the parents I'd make sure both genders had separate sleeping quarters. The guys crashed in the upstairs playroom; the girls settled in the den. I was up until 5:00 a.m. making sure I knew where everyone was.
They were all good kids, but I would warn "Perplexed" that when hormones are raging, you just don't give kids any opportunity at all. It was worth losing a night's sleep to make sure all of them were safe. -- "V" IN ASHEBORO, N.C.
DEAR ABBY: Co-ed slumber parties are nothing new -- and in my experience they were harmless fun. When I was 14, I was invited to my first co-ed slumber party, hosted by a boy in my class. We went swimming, ate junk food, and watched music videos and old movies all night. Those parties were great fun, the source of some of my fondest memories of my youth. We were always under adult supervision, but no one in our group even considered doing anything inappropriate.
Of course, I grew up in a small town where all the families knew each other. -- ACM, GERMANTOWN, MD.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter has also been invited to co-ed slumber parties. We let her go; however, we picked her up at 10:00 p.m. or as soon as the planned activities were finished. -- TUCSON, ARIZ., MOM
DEAR ABBY: I attended a few co-ed overnights in high school, and I can tell you that PLENTY happened. Tell that mother to stick to her guns! -- MOM FROM MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: When our twin sons were given permission to ask five friends each to their 9th birthday party, one son's list contained the expected familiar names. The other gave me four boys' names and ... Wendy! I hesitated and asked, "You invited a girl to a boys' slumber party?" Our son thought nothing of it.
I called his teacher (a friend of mine) to obtain Wendy's phone number, and when I explained why I needed it, she laughed and said she could understand why Wendy was invited. "She can run faster, throw a ball farther and hit harder than any boy in the class." Our sons are now grown, but we still tease them once in a while about inviting a girl to the slumber party. -- SHARON IN INDEPENDENCE, MO.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)