To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Co Ed Slumber Parties Aren't Always What They Seem
DEAR ABBY: I believe your answer to "Perplexed in Pennsylvania" was incomplete. Co-ed slumber parties are now common, which (as you pointed out) does not make them appropriate. However, the ones my children were invited to when they were adolescents were acceptable to me because they were well chaperoned and did not involve any actual "slumber." Rather, they were an excuse to stay up all night playing board games, watching videos, eating junk food and just talking. This is different from what you might imagine, where the group of children would be sent off to the family room to fend for themselves.
You should have advised "Perplexed" to get more details about the party, particularly as to what activities were planned and who would chaperone. -- GINGER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR GINGER: Perhaps. However, I'm still not sure I agree with the concept. Some readers agree with you, while others agreed with me -- and that's what makes for an interesting discussion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my son was a senior, three couples went to the prom together, and I invited them to stay the night. I had breakfast ready when they came in, and I'd promised the parents I'd make sure both genders had separate sleeping quarters. The guys crashed in the upstairs playroom; the girls settled in the den. I was up until 5:00 a.m. making sure I knew where everyone was.
They were all good kids, but I would warn "Perplexed" that when hormones are raging, you just don't give kids any opportunity at all. It was worth losing a night's sleep to make sure all of them were safe. -- "V" IN ASHEBORO, N.C.
DEAR ABBY: Co-ed slumber parties are nothing new -- and in my experience they were harmless fun. When I was 14, I was invited to my first co-ed slumber party, hosted by a boy in my class. We went swimming, ate junk food, and watched music videos and old movies all night. Those parties were great fun, the source of some of my fondest memories of my youth. We were always under adult supervision, but no one in our group even considered doing anything inappropriate.
Of course, I grew up in a small town where all the families knew each other. -- ACM, GERMANTOWN, MD.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter has also been invited to co-ed slumber parties. We let her go; however, we picked her up at 10:00 p.m. or as soon as the planned activities were finished. -- TUCSON, ARIZ., MOM
DEAR ABBY: I attended a few co-ed overnights in high school, and I can tell you that PLENTY happened. Tell that mother to stick to her guns! -- MOM FROM MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: When our twin sons were given permission to ask five friends each to their 9th birthday party, one son's list contained the expected familiar names. The other gave me four boys' names and ... Wendy! I hesitated and asked, "You invited a girl to a boys' slumber party?" Our son thought nothing of it.
I called his teacher (a friend of mine) to obtain Wendy's phone number, and when I explained why I needed it, she laughed and said she could understand why Wendy was invited. "She can run faster, throw a ball farther and hit harder than any boy in the class." Our sons are now grown, but we still tease them once in a while about inviting a girl to the slumber party. -- SHARON IN INDEPENDENCE, MO.
Bright or Reflective Clothes Let Walkers Be Seen at Night
DEAR ABBY: Last year, on April 30, my 16-year-old son was hit by a car and killed. He was walking with friends in the rain on a dark road at night. The driver of the car says he never saw my son, although he was wearing a dark sweatshirt with white designs on it, black pants and a white hat. I will never know exactly what was going on in my son's head, walking in the rain at night. And I will have to live with the pain of losing him for the rest of my life.
I would like to urge other parents out there that whenever your sons or daughters leave the house -- no matter what time of day or night it is -- make sure they have some sort of bright clothing on or with them. You never know when they might be walking in the dark.
Also, no matter what is going on in your life, or theirs, please make sure that you always tell them you love them. Because in just a snap of a finger, your child could be gone. -- SAD IN CLINTON, MASS.
DEAR SAD: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your son. Your message is worth repeating, and it applies to adults as well as young people. Pedestrians as well as bicycle riders should make absolutely certain they can be seen by drivers by wearing reflective clothing at night. No one wants to think of him- or herself as a statistic, but accidents can and do happen to anyone. An ounce of prevention ...
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a serious relationship for 13 months. The woman I am with has a daughter who is 15 months old. I am the only father figure that has ever been in her life. Her biological father, "Ethan," saw her only twice. I have been supporting my lady and her child for a while.
Last January, Ethan died, and my lady took it hard. Last Saturday, she got his name tattooed on her back without consulting me. She didn't tell me until after it was done, and it upset me. We are supposed to be married soon.
Every time we make love, that tattoo reminds me of Ethan. I feel she should have asked me what I thought about the idea first. She expects me to consult her about things that I do before I do them. Am I wrong for expecting the same respect from her as I give her? Should I tell her how I feel, or should I avoid having a confrontation with her and try to forget about it? -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX
DEAR ANGRY: Your feelings are valid. You were not consulted because your lady friend already knew what your feelings would be. Avoiding a discussion (notice I did not say "confrontation") with her about this is not the way to go. This matter needs to be talked about to your satisfaction, and if the tattoo dampens your ardor, it should be removed before the wedding.
DEAR ABBY: Last month, my sister, "Diane," was going on a trip to Europe. At the last moment, she asked me if she could take my digital camera with her. I told her no, I needed the camera for my work and didn't want to take a chance on her losing it. The camera was a Christmas gift, and I have had it only a few months.
When Diane returned from her trip, she decided not to talk to me. It has been more than two weeks now. I told her she should talk, but she doesn't want to. What can I do? -- DANIELLE IN PASSAIC, N.J.
DEAR DANIELLE: Enjoy the silence while you can. Once she starts talking again, you'll never hear the end of it.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Who Looks Too Young Should Enjoy It While She Can
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to your reply to the gal in her 20s who looks like she's 14 or 15. Will makeup help her with her problem? Maybe. But it won't make her look older. There are some women who will always look young. I'm 41 and look like I'm in my early 30s, and could pass for my 20s if I dressed the part.
Tell her to relax and enjoy her youthful look. It may seem like a problem right now, but when she's in her 40s and her counterparts are starting to show their age, she will still have young guys flirting with her because they think she's in their age bracket. She won't have to wear makeup to cover the wrinkles, and people will tell her she never ages. What a compliment! -- WENDY IN GODFREY, ILL.
DEAR WENDY: I'm sure the young woman will be grateful for your pep talk. You might be interested in reading what other youthful-appearing readers offered on the subject:
DEAR ABBY: I had to chuckle when I read "No Longer a Freshman's" letter. Your advice was right on, although some people address others as "Sweetie," or "Dearie" as a term of endearment. I certainly take it that way. Regardless of my accomplishments in life and respect from everyone with whom I have come in contact all these years, it's nice to know that part of me exudes a "sweetness," while still being the strong, confident woman I am. -- FOREVER A SWEETIE, LUDLOW, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-30s and still get carded for X-rated movies, so I can relate to the problem. My advice:
Don't waste your money on hairstylists or makeup. The hair won't change her looks, and makeup is designed to emphasize them. Trust me; I tried for a dozen years. (I avoid pigtails, though.) At work, avoid greetings like "Hi" and "Hello" and introduce yourself with your title and last name. (Example: "Good afternoon, I'm Ms. Doe. How may I help you?")
At social events, introduce yourself by your first and last names. (Example: "I'm Jane Doe. Pleased to meet you.") Mind your mannerisms. Stand up straight, look people in the eye, give a firm handshake and enunciate when you speak. If it's not someone you'll be dealing with regularly, or professionally, ignore the person's comments. It's not worth your time. And if all else fails, look the person straight in the eye, flash a brilliant smile and say, "You do realize I am ( ) years old?" -- REBECCA IN LOVELAND, COLO.
DEAR ABBY: You advised that young woman to consult a hairdresser, a makeup artist, and to choose more conservative, no-nonsense business attire in the workplace. An image consultant from the Association of Image Consultants International would be the ideal person to facilitate this woman's quest for success in the business world. Such a consultant can coordinate, guide and recommend the right hairdresser, makeup artist, and the best choice in wardrobe that will enhance the wearer.
The Association of Image Consultants International offers consultants who are trained, experienced and competent in the techniques of personal style. She can find one of these talented professionals by visiting www.aici.org. -- DEBRA LINDQUIST
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)