To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Online Help Offers Lifeline to Man Drowning in Drink
DEAR ABBY: I am a full-time firefighter, married with two small children, living in a small city. My problem is I have a drinking problem that I hide well from friends and family. Lately, however, it has been getting worse, and I would like to get help.
I know of several AA groups that meet in my area, but because this is a small community, I'm afraid that someone will notice me at one of the meetings, and my problem will be exposed -- and I could possibly lose my job.
Is there any professional help I might be able to get online? -- NEEDS HELP IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NEEDS HELP: Where there's a will, there's a way. You can participate in AA meetings via the Internet by going to www.aa-intergroup.org. It's an Internet chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous where you can join in on audio or e-mail meetings. Another site is www.aaonline.net. You can also Google "Alcoholics Anonymous online" and find a variety of resources. Plenty of help is available if you just reach out for it! Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl in seventh grade. My parents are divorced, and my father has remarried. My parents have shared custody and make joint decisions about me.
My mother has given me permission to shave my legs, but my father says I am not old enough because that is what my stepmother tells him to say.
My stepmother reads your column, and if you agree that I am old enough to shave my legs, she will tell my father that I should be able to, and then my parents will be in agreement. -- HAIRY AND SELF-CONSCIOUS IN OHIO
DEAR HAIRY: I am glad to help. The time a girl should begin to shave her legs is when she becomes conscious of the fact that she needs to. It's not a matter of "age." It is when she's old enough to do it carefully and not injure herself. And 12 is about average. I hope your stepmother sees this and relents.
DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old son agreed to download music onto his cousin's iPod in his absence. Unfortunately, our dog got hold of the iPod and chewed the leather case it was in and damaged the screen.
Who should be responsible for the replacement of the iPod ($450 plus $40 for the leather case)? I think the responsibility lies with both parties and the cost should be split in half.
Please share your thoughts ASAP. Because this concerns family, it could create real animosity if it is not handled properly. -- MUSICAL DILEMMA
DEAR MUSICAL DILEMMA: I do not agree with you. The person who should pay to replace the damaged iPod is the person whose carelessness resulted in the dog destroying it. Look at it this way: Often the most expensive lesson is the most effective -- and this one is a doozy!
DEAR ABBY: I am being married next year, and our "best man" is female. Can you tell us what we should call her? -- KARLA IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR KARLA: Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. Your friend's official title will be "groom's attendant."
Ex Wife Being Stalked Must Take a Stand and Call Police
DEAR ABBY: I want to respond to the letter from "Being Watched in Birmingham," whose ex-husband is stalking her. She wrote she was afraid that calling the police would just make it worse. I had the same problem.
My ex was a retired policeman and long-haul truck driver. I was afraid the police from our town would ignore me because of the "code of blue," and my kids and I would be on our own. But the police helped us out and protected us.
I had to get a restraining order to keep him from the house. He had told one of my daughters that he was going to drive through our house with his tractor-trailer and hurt me. When my daughter told the judge what he had said, it helped me to get my restraining order. It was hard; we were upset and more terrified than anyone will ever know. But our lives are now peaceful.
"Being Watched" needs to stand up for herself and her child. She CAN get help. She also needs to get herself into counseling. (I went to domestic abuse counseling.) She must reach out now, before it's too late.
I made sure all four of us got counseling. She doesn't have to miss out on life because he could be watching. Please, Abby, tell her to look forward and not back -- if not for herself, then for her daughter. That girl should not have to live out her mother's fears. They could affect the rest of her life. -- HAPPY AT LAST IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HAPPY AT LAST: Thank you for sharing your personal experience and how you dealt with your ex-husband's stalking and intimidation. I also heard from a former member of law enforcement. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for "Being Watched." I investigated stalking cases when I was a detective for the local police department. I also studied the behaviors of these offenders. "Being Watched" should not answer his calls no matter how many times he calls or threatens. If she does, she's giving him what he wants: a response. Even a negative response is what these people need and crave.
She should screen her calls and use an answering machine. She should also obtain an injunction prohibiting harassment from the court. (They are called different names by other jurisdictions.) It can be served on him by an officer of the court.
She should keep detailed documentation of what he is doing -- calls, following her, damage. Dates and times are very important to building a criminal case. Also, keep any cards, letters, notes, gifts, etc., that he leaves, and turn them in to the police. They will need them as evidence.
The daughter should be instructed to be aware of her surroundings and report any unusual activities to her mother or the police if it's an emergency. The school should be notified about what is happening, especially if a court order is obtained to keep him away from her.
By no means should the writer make herself a prisoner in her own home. If she does, he's succeeding in getting what he wants -- control over her. She should be aware of her surroundings, install good locks on her house, garage her vehicle if possible, and take security precautions at home or at work. Her ex is committing crimes and will stop only if she takes the first step to end his controlling, manipulative behavior. It may be scary for her, but a good support system of family, friends, police and a psychotherapist can help her through this terrifying time. The man needs to be stopped -- now! -- FORMER POLICE DETECTIVE IN ARIZONA
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Illiterate School Custodian Resists Going Back to Class
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a nice guy for two years. We started out as good friends and the relationship progressed from there. He's truly all that you could ask for. My dilemma is, he doesn't know how to read and write.
This is a very sensitive subject for him. He is 33 years old and works as a custodian for the school district. He earns a fraction over minimum wage and is making child support payments.
I have been very patient with him, but any time I raise the subject of his going back to school, we end up arguing. Now he has decided to take a part-time job in the evenings -- so there will definitely be no time for school. What am I to do? He thinks my pushing him to learn to read and write is about the money. It's not! He keeps saying he's leaving his reading and writing "in God's hands." How can I help him? -- WITS' END IN MIAMI
DEAR WITS' END: Your boyfriend's unwillingness to reach out for help may stem from embarrassment. Please explain to him that there are programs especially for people like him, and that they are easy to access. All you have to do is call your county library and tell the librarian you are looking for a referral to a literacy coalition so your friend can learn to read. Your friend will be treated with dignity, I promise.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to thank you for more than 10 years of a happy marriage. Let me explain:
I am an active-duty soldier with only 14 months left to retire after almost 20 years of service, including two tours in Iraq. In October 1995, I was deployed to Kuwait and I received three letters from Operation Dear Abby. One of them was from a beautiful lady from California. On Feb. 17, 1996, I met the young lady and married her.
Now, more than 10 years later, I am the proud father of three wonderful children.
I'm writing today to thank you for continuing the program with OperationDearAbby.net. This was the first holiday season in two years that I was home with my family, and I want to thank you for sending me my angel. -- STAFF SGT. ROB G., FORT LEWIS, WASH.
DEAR STAFF SGT. G.: Thank you for an upper of a letter. I'm pleased to know that Operation Dear Abby brought you not only a pen pal, but also a wife, children and happiness. You deserve them all.
Readers, why wait for a holiday? How about spreading some joy by logging on to OperationDearAbby.net and letting our young men and women stationed around the world in the military know that they're in our hearts today, tomorrow and every day. They'll love hearing from you -- and you'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: My boss's mother passed away recently and the funeral is this weekend. I had spoken to "Mrs. White" on several occasions and met her twice. My question is, should I attend the visitation, as it is my boss's mother who passed away? I don't want to commit "career suicide" by not attending -- but on the other hand, I don't think I'd feel comfortable being there. -- MISSISSIPPI MAIDEN
DEAR MAIDEN: Funerals are for the living. You attend not only as a gesture of respect for the deceased, but by your presence, to offer comfort to the living. To attend would be a kindness, and I'm sure it would be appreciated -- so go.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)