For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cold Prone Office Worker Is Hesitant to Shake Hands
DEAR ABBY: I have worked in the construction trade for many years. It's common practice to shake someone's hand when you are introduced, or when you see that person again. Now, after years of working in the field, I'm working in the office, taking care of business for the men.
Abby, when they come into the office or I see them gathered outside, they insist on shaking hands. The problem I have with this is I catch more colds than I have ever had in my life. Also, some of these guys have some of today's diseases such as herpes, AIDS, hepatitis C, and some other things I have never heard of. I wash my hands many times a day. I use sanitary wipes many times a day. You get the picture.
Is there some polite way of excusing oneself from shaking hands without offending the other person? Any suggestions will be appreciated to help me with this problem. -- CONCERNED IN THE WEST
DEAR CONCERNED: Rather than risk offending clients or co-workers, you should discuss this subject with your doctor. The common cold can be prevented by not touching your eyes, nose or mouth after contact with someone -- or some object -- that has been contaminated by someone with a cold. (The other diseases you mentioned are spread through intimate contact, and this does NOT include hand-shaking.)
DEAR ABBY: I am planning my October wedding and enjoying playing the role of bride-to-be. My in-laws are awesome, and I'm glad I'm marrying into a wonderful family.
I chose my ivory wedding gown shortly after I was engaged last fall, and I couldn't be more pleased. Recently, however, my fiance's mother was shopping for her dress and selected an ivory-colored gown. Not only am I upset, I feel insulted. My fiance thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but don't you agree that the bride should be the only person to wear a gown in her color? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I tell her how I feel? The tags are still on her dress, and I think I'm entitled to be the only woman wearing ivory that day. Please advise me. -- GLORIA IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR GLORIA: By all means speak up, and when you do, point out to the lady that if she wears the ivory-colored gown it will look like a double wedding. If she's as "awesome" as you say, she'll recognize that it could cause embarrassment and select a gown in another color that coordinates with yours.
DEAR ABBY: The responses from your readers discussing whether to tell Alzheimer's patients about the death of a loved one reminded me about what happened with my mother.
Mom, who is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's, once told me, in great confidence, that she thought my father (who had died 10 years before) was having an affair because his shoes were not in the closet. Also, some "other woman's clothes" were in there. (We had added a few new items to Mom's wardrobe, and she didn't recognize them.)
I very hesitantly began to remind my mother how sick Dad had been, how many times we'd had to take him to the hospital, and finally worked around to saying that he had died 10 years ago. My mother's response: "Well, THAT'S a relief!" -- RICHARD IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR RICHARD: I can see her logic. She's not the only woman who would rather her husband were dead than cheating.
Single Father Wants to End Family Tradition of Deception
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old single father of one. Recently, for the first time in my life, I came into contact with my biological father, whom I have never known. The reason for this is my mother hid the facts from me. Even with the local school district providing some information, as well as his own parents, I could never get any details out of the one person who should have been the first to offer them -- my mother. She does not know I have been in contact with my biological father, and neither does the man who raised me.
I want to let them know what is going on without hurting their feelings. I don't want "Dad" feeling like I have turned my back on him after 25 years of his being there for me. On top of all this, my son, who is 6, has been asking me about his own mother. (I won sole custody.)
My mother says he "doesn't need to know about the incubator." I think he deserves to know the truth -- just as I did. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. -- DECADES OF CONFUSION IN N.Y.
DEAR DECADES: It is time to speak up and inform your mother and stepfather that you and your biological father have reunited. At the same time, let them know that you wish to spare your son the pain and confusion you experienced because "the facts" were hidden from you. You are the child's father, and your wishes should prevail. The sooner he is told the truth, the easier it will be to accept.
P.S. The fact that you are in contact with your birth father does not mean that you are ungrateful or "turning your back" on anyone. Please do not make your mother and stepfather's insecurities your problem. Family counseling may be your next logical step.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Marvin," thinks that because we work together that we spend all day together, when in reality we may actually speak for a minute or two, three or four times a day. When we go home, Marvin immediately gets on the computer, which is in an alcove upstairs removed from everyone else. He'll come down to eat dinner and then gets back on the computer for the next four or five hours.
On weekends, he spends from 10 to 14 hours a day on the computer. Then he goes to bed. If I ask him to spend time with me and/or our children, he tells me I am "picking on him."
This has been going on for the last 13 years or more. I can understand why a woman would start talking to another man. Marvin is not there for me mentally, and I'm all alone.
He is good to me as far as worldly goods are concerned, but I couldn't care less about that. What good is it when you have no one to share your life with? What would you suggest I do? -- ALONE AND LONELY IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ALONE AND LONELY: What took you so long to write? The first thing you should do is check the "history" on the computer in the alcove, and see where your husband has been spending the time he should have been spending with you and the children. Then, armed with that information, offer him the option of marriage counseling before your marriage is so eroded that it can never be revived. If he refuses, seek counseling on your own to find out why you tolerated for so long a marriage without communication or companionship, and explore your options. In counseling you will find the answers you need.
DEAR ABBY: What is the proper response to store clerks, office personnel and others who routinely call people by their first name, often people they have never seen before?
Whatever happened to the correct designation of "Mister" or "Ma'am"? -- MR. M. IN ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR MR. M.: Believe it or not, many people are not offended at being addressed by their first name. The way to handle it is to smile, and tell the person, "I prefer to be called Mr. M." It's direct, non-confrontational, and gets the message across.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, and please don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to be living in my parents' house with my family. I know everyone isn't as lucky as I am.
My room is sort of a problem, though. There isn't enough room in my closet to hang anything. My dresser, which holds clothes that don't fit me anymore, was made in 1956 and is falling apart. My bed looks like a crib and holds my sisters' old bedding. I also have a desk that looks as if the hutch is about to fall off. It used to belong to my sisters, too.
My bed and desk are white, but the dresser looks like oak. The walls are white because Dad never wanted to paint them. Dad built our house three years ago -- but he didn't buy me a proper bedroom set like my sisters have.
During Christmas when I was in the sixth grade we all got computers. They got theirs in their room, but mine is in the study and is used by everybody, which means if someone wants to use it, I have to stop. I always get the last choice of everything, and I am sick of it. Please tell me how to convince my parents to fix my room. -- OVERLOOKED IN INDIANA
DEAR OVERLOOKED: It's hard being the youngest child and the last in line for hand-me-downs. My suggestion to you is to ask an adult -- a relative to whom you can confide your feelings, or a friend of the family -- to speak to your parents on your behalf. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
DEAR ABBY: I live in Canada, so I may not be familiar with all of your etiquette customs in the U.S. I was visiting relatives in the states recently, and my hosts invited a friend over who came with a bottle of Irish Cream liqueur. The friend knew that this was the hostess's favorite drink.
After having a few glasses together, the hostess was told by her daughter that "good manners dictate that the hostess give back the half-empty bottle to the guest when leaving the party." Can you please advise me if such a rule of etiquette exists? -- CURIOUS IN CANADA
DEAR CURIOUS: If one exists, I have never heard of it. Traditionally, when someone brings food, alcohol, etc. to someone's home, it is considered to be a "hostess gift," and once a gift is given, it belongs to the host or hostess to do with as he or she wishes.
DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband, "Jon," in 2003 after 14 wonderful years of marriage. He left behind not only a wife who adored him, but also our three children, who were 4, 8 and 12 at the time of his death.
When making announcements, I would like to recognize Jon as their father and as my former husband. How should they be worded? If I say, "The former Jon and Karen Jones," I'm afraid it will sound like both of us died. Also, I would like to -- hopefully -- remarry one day. How would an announcement be worded then? -- WANTS TO REMEMBER IN WHITESBORO, TEXAS
DEAR WANTS TO REMEMBER: When issuing announcements or invitations for your children, they should say "... the son (or daughter) of Mrs. Michael Ross and the late Jon Jones."
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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