For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cake in the Face Birthday Tradition Has Foes and Fans
DEAR ABBY: I have never written you before, but the letter you printed from "Dismayed Grandmother" in Laredo, Texas, brought back memories. I couldn't have been more than 8, and it was my father's birthday. There were flowers on his birthday cake, and he said to me, "Smell the flowers. Go ahead, smell the flowers!" I hesitated, but he insisted, so I bent over the cake to smell the flowers and he pushed my face into the frosting.
I am now 72, and I still remember how it felt to be deceived and humiliated by my father. Other people in the room may have been laughing, but I wasn't. My father thought he was being funny. Instead, he lost his daughter's love and trust that day. -- WISHES HE HADN'T IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR WISHES HE HADN'T: As I said in my reply to "Dismayed Grandmother," I have never found humor at the expense of others to be funny. In fact, I consider it cruel, hostile, and a form of bullying. That a parent would tolerate, much less participate in, the humiliation of his or her child is an appalling breach of trust. Your reaction proves the truth of my statement.
Read on, because the letter to which you referred brought in some interesting mail.
DEAR ABBY: The same thing happened to me. The person who did it was my former father-in-law. He thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. Surprisingly, however, when HIS birthday rolled around, it wasn't so funny anymore. Imagine that! -- LAWRENCE IN QUEEN CREEK, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: You missed the boat on the face-in-the-birthday-cake letter. Here in Mexico it is common -- nay, usual -- for the birthday boy or girl (or man or woman) to have his or her face pushed into the cake. After the candles are blown out, the birthday person is supposed to take a little bite of the cake with his or her mouth -- not using any utensils -- for good luck. It is usually when the person's face is near the cake that someone standing behind him or her pushes their face into it.
I assume that's what happened at the party the grandmother attended, since it was from Laredo, Texas, which is on the border with Mexico. I personally do not enjoy being pushed into the cake (as I have been on several occasions), and yes, some kids do cry when it happens. But it's all done in fun, and I believe it's important to be a good sport about it.
Whether this tradition should or should not be continued is debatable -- but frankly, you are not the one who should be debating (or criticizing) it. When you referred to this custom as a form of "bullying," you were speaking from a U.S. cultural perspective. You and the letter writer may have been "aghast" out of cultural ignorance -- just as people from other countries might consider the "pinching" (ow!) that happens on St. Patrick's Day in the United States to be physical abuse. -- ROBIN IN MEXICO CITY
DEAR ABBY: Birthday parties shouldn't involve tears, and it's a shame that the boy's celebration was spoiled by this tradition. The hosts of the party should have better prepared the child for the event.
I was introduced to that birthday tradition while living and teaching in northern Mexico. It shocked me the first time it happened, but students explained that, for many children, it's an eagerly anticipated part of their birthday celebration. -- AMY IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
Lousy Tipper Takes Offense When Woman Adds Her 2 Cents
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man I'll call Joe for 2 1/2 years. We usually take turns paying for dinner and other outings. This arrangement works well, except when it's Joe's turn to pay for a meal. He leaves embarrassingly paltry tips. He normally leaves 10 percent or less -- but I have seen him leave nothing when we have had reasonably good service.
I have asked Joe why he does this. He says I have no right to question him, since it's his prerogative. But, Abby, there are restaurants I'd like to return to, and I don't feel comfortable doing so because of the bad impression I am sure we left.
At a rather pricey restaurant recently, when Joe chose not to tip the waiter, I casually pulled a bill from my purse and left it on the table. Joe blew up and called it an insult. What do I do? -- NEEDS A "TIP" IN HOUSTON
DEAR NEEDS: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about the fact that your boyfriend feels you "have no right to question him" than the fact that he's cheap when it comes to leaving gratuities. People who handle disagreements the way he does make poor life partners. "What you should do" is make a list of your boyfriend's good points and his bad ones, see how they balance out and whether the benefit is worth the cost emotionally, and act accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s. I work nearly full time, attend college full time, am in a serious relationship, and my behavior is very professional. However, I look quite young. Most people say I look between 14 and 16.
I work at a school where many people mistake me for a student, and my professionalism and ability are often overlooked. Even when I go to the store, people younger than I am call me "Sweetie," or some other childish name. What can I do to appear my age? I don't want to look older than I am, just to look my age and appear mature. Please help. -- NO LONGER A FRESHMAN
DEAR NO LONGER: The time may be here for a "makeover." Make an appointment with a hairdresser and makeup artist to see how they can give you a more businesslike and sophisticated persona. If it isn't already, your attire at work should be conservative, no-nonsense and businesslike.
Because you say your professionalism and ability are not appreciated, please consider assertiveness training. Lower the tone of your voice, speak louder, and if you feel you have been "overlooked," say, "Excuse me ..." and repeat what's on your mind.
DEAR ABBY: I was molested by my father when I was 8. I am now 28, and I thought I'd gotten over it. I have had no contact with my father since I was 14.
I recently heard that he was living like a bum on the streets, and was treated for an overdose of someone else's prescription for psych meds. He is now in a home, and my brother, who lives near him, does what he can. My thought is, how dare he expect any of his children to care at all about him?
On the other hand, it's medically documented that he is "mental." Are we supposed to have compassion for the mentally ill? -- DAUGHTER OF A CRAZY, AVON, IND.
DEAR DAUGHTER: Compassion, yes. Amnesia, no. Much would depend upon whether your father was delusional when he molested you. But no one -- including me -- would blame you if you kept your distance under the circumstances.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Using 'Baby Talk' With Infants Delays Language Development
DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding your answer to "Julie in Spring, Texas," who asked you when parents should stop using baby talk with their children. I disagree with you. She said her son had just turned 3! He is still a baby. Many children are still in diapers at that age. Let the mother enjoy her young son while she still has the time. -- LINDA T., CLEARWATER, FLA.
DEAR LINDA T.: Intelligent minds may disagree. But according to the mail I received regarding that letter, you are in the minority. I stand by my reply. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My advice as a pediatrician is to stop baby talk the day the baby is born -- that is to say, never start!
Babies learn at a surprisingly early age to assimilate what they hear into their later speech patterns; they learn to "talk" what they hear, and "baby talk" is not the language we want them to use. Yes, talk softly, talk sweetly, sing to your baby -- but use the words of proper language. -- LEE BERNSTEIN, M.D., LAS VEGAS, NEV.
DEAR ABBY: As a retired public school speech therapist, allow me to respond to "Julie's" question. Language development is one of the most important aspects of a child's life. A child begins to acquire language almost as soon as he starts hearing it. Vocabulary is not the only component of speech. Inflection, tone, grammar, etc. contribute to a person's ability to communicate effectively. Talking "baby talk" to an infant can delay the process of language development. Vocabulary should be age-appropriate but still within acceptable speech patterns. -- LILLIAN A., N. MIAMI BEACH
DEAR ABBY: When our daughter was born, my husband and I agreed there would be no baby talk. When my maternity leave was over and we put her in day care, I asked the providers not to use baby talk with her. I wanted her to grasp how words sounded and use them correctly.
She turned 3 last month, and can use the words "decide" and "separate" correctly. She knew her ABCs by 18 months and can count to 10 in English and Spanish, and on to 20 only in English. She is very articulate, and most people think she is at least 5. Please urge that mother to use "big boy/girl" words with her child. It will help her child to articulate what he/she wants to say, and everyone will understand what the child is trying to communicate. -- JEANNE J., CRESTVIEW, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: Research has shown that children who are spoken to as "adults," using complete sentences, not only learn faster, but have a better comprehension of the English language than children whose parents use baby talk. Studies have also shown that children who are read to, even before birth, also develop more rapidly. -- JUSTIN F., AMERICAN MILITARY (DEPLOYED)
DEAR ABBY: Because my dad and stepmother used baby talk with my 8-year-old brother for so long, he is now in speech therapy to learn proper English. He still uses phrases like "Me love you" because they thought it was "cute" and never corrected him. Using baby talk is a disservice to a child. Speaking to children correctly helps them become credible later in life. -- JULIA IN OGDEN, UTAH
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine once retorted to a woman in a restaurant who asked her if she always spoke to her child like he was a rocket scientist, "Of course! How else can I expect him to grow up to be one?" -- PLAIN-SPEAKING FATHER OF FOUR IN MINNESOTA
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)