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Case of Mistaken Identity Has Dragged on Too Long
DEAR ABBY: I have an acquaintance who calls me by the wrong first name, and I don't know how to correct him without embarrassing both of us. We both grew up in the same town, although we didn't know each other back then. He became a doctor and moved to northern California. Our mothers know each other, but his mother is now in a nursing home and can't communicate.
When I first looked him up, I introduced myself. Since then, he has been calling me George. (My name is Jim.) Most of the time I see him at the weight room at the health club, and he greets me with a big, "Hello, George!" I thought about correcting him, but he can't hear me because he has earphones on.
Sometimes we'll cross paths in the locker room and he'll say, "How's it going, George?" and keeps on walking. I don't think it would be cool to open his shower door and correct him. How can I solve this embarrassing problem? -- JIM AT THE GYM
DEAR JIM: Your mistake was in not correcting him immediately. Unless being called by the wrong name is "george" with you, open the shower door and correct the man. I guarantee that if you do it once, he won't get your name wrong again.
DEAR ABBY: A guy in our office forwards corny e-mails to me and others. But as soon as he sends them, he enters our offices and asks if we read the e-mail he just forwarded. If we say no, he says, "Well, go ahead and open it." Then he hovers over our shoulders until it's opened and read. If we are in the hallway or a conference room after he e-mails it, he comes to find us. Then he follows us back into our offices and watches while we read it. Sometimes he will even read it aloud, as if we can't read.
In the rare cases that the e-mail might actually be funny, his interruption and hovering ruins any enjoyment the e-mail might otherwise provide. All I can do is offer an insincere snicker, while I feel uncomfortable about the content and his hovering.
How can we get him to cut it out? -- TRAPPED IN MARYVILLE, TENN.
DEAR TRAPPED: You have described someone who is socially inept and hungry for company. It's sad, really. But the most logical way to deal with it is to be "too busy" to be interrupted. Be pleasant, but firm, and tell him that you'll look at what he sent "when time permits." And don't take no for an answer.
DEAR ABBY: I was engaged three years ago, and shortly before the wedding my fiance called it off. My bridesmaids had all purchased their dresses.
I plan to be married this year and will use the same bridesmaid dresses. However, I am no longer as close to a couple of the bridesmaids as I was then. Since they have already purchased the dresses, am I obligated to ask them to be in this wedding? What would be proper? -- MAKING MY PLANS IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR MAKING PLANS: The proper thing to do would be to ask the women who bought the dresses to be in the wedding, or offer to buy the dresses from them, and select bridesmaids who wear their size. (Hint: You'll make fewer enemies if you use the original cast.)
DEAR ABBY: My family lives in a three-bedroom house, and my parents share the largest bedroom. I am 15, my sister is 11 and my brother is 7. The two other bedrooms are the same size. Should I share a bedroom with my brother, or should my sister share one with him? -- STEVEN IN OHIO
DEAR STEVEN: Because two of you must "double up," you should share a bedroom with your brother.
Victims Who Report Crime Help Police More Than They Realize
DEAR ABBY: I'm a deputy sheriff. Last week, I was in a department store outside my jurisdiction and overheard a conversation between two of the clerks. One of them had her car broken into the night before, and several valuable items and her house key had been stolen. This woman said she didn't call the police because there was nothing they could do.
I identified myself as a deputy and told her she should contact her police department immediately for the following reasons:
(1) She was a victim of a crime. Her house key was taken by someone who had already demonstrated that he or she was a criminal. If the perpetrator came back and robbed her house, or worse yet, harmed her, the police would have more to go on to solve that crime. (I also advised her to have her locks changed immediately.)
(2) Her car may not have been the only one broken into. If a pattern was developing, the police could increase patrols in her area. But they couldn't know to do it if the incident went unreported.
(3) In the course of serving search warrants or making other arrests, we often find property that obviously doesn't belong to the suspect. (After all, who owns multiple TV sets, stereos, DVD players, digital cameras, etc.?) But if nobody reports a theft, we have no way of knowing whose property it is. Without that knowledge, we can't return property to its rightful owner, nor can we charge the suspect with additional crimes.
(4) Suspects often pawn what they steal. Our detectives regularly check pawn shops for items that have been reported stolen and can recover them for the owner as well as pay a visit to whoever sold them. Many crimes have been solved in this manner.
Please, Abby, urge your readers to report all crimes of which they are victims. Even if it appears the police are taking little action, they are, in fact, doing far more than is readily apparent. -- DEPUTY PETER N. SPAGNOLO, PAYETTE, IDAHO
DEAR DEPUTY SPAGNOLO: Your message is important, and I'm printing your letter as written with no editing. Although there is no guarantee that anyone won't become a crime victim, we do not have to take it in silence. As my third-grade teacher used to say, "The policeman is your friend." If we do not report a crime when one has been committed, then the bad guys have already won.
DEAR ABBY: I am 22 and the mother of four beautiful children, ages 3 and under. Recently, my husband confessed that he's had several affairs while I was pregnant with our last daughter. I thought I could get over it, but it's difficult because he gave me an STD.
He thinks I should forgive him and forget it. We are separated now because of this, and he wants to come home. I keep saying no because he hurt me so badly. I have started divorce proceedings, but some of my family think it's a mistake. They think because we have four kids that I need to try to work things out with him.
I know I'll never be able to trust him again or forgive him. Every flare-up is a reminder. What would you do if you were me? -- STAY OR LEAVE IN MISSOURI
DEAR STAY OR LEAVE: I'd shelve the divorce for a while and see if intensive marriage counseling could help to overcome your anger and disappointment. Please understand that other couples have made it past a crisis like the one you are experiencing. Your husband made a huge mistake, but he obviously wants to make amends. Only if counseling didn't work would I end the marriage.
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Genetic Testing May Reveal Son Is Not Husband's Child
DEAR ABBY: My heart is pounding and I'm at my wit's end. This situation is difficult to explain. I'm afraid that other readers may be facing the same horror that I'm dealing with, so please advise us on how to handle an extremely delicate situation.
My husband has it in his head to do genetic testing for "genealogy" purposes. It isn't cheap. One of the places he wants testing from charges a couple of hundred dollars. He has asked me to have it done, too. I told him I wasn't interested and I thought it was too expensive.
Now he wants to have our 17-year-old son tested. I have argued that our son should not have his DNA on record anywhere, that he really needs both parents to give consent for testing, and it costs too much.
The horror I really have is that, 18 years ago, I made an awful mistake. I don't know if my husband is the father of our son. I'm having panic attacks about his finding out how awful I was 18 years ago.
Can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not? Can you think of any other reasons I can give for not having him tested so I can convince my husband to drop the idea? Please don't reveal where we live. You can say it's Minnesota. -- IN A PANIC!
DEAR IN A PANIC!: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. (And no, I didn't coin the phrase.)
Although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be -- particularly before having children. (Two of them are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.) I have news for you. Your husband already has his suspicions about whether he fathered the boy. That's why he's determined to have him tested. If I were you, I'd take a few deep breaths and come clean before the guano hits the fan -- and that's the best advice I can offer. Confession is good for the soul.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a committed relationship for five years with a woman who disagrees with me about something and won't let the subject drop. Several years ago, I put my family home on the market. I accepted an early offer. My partner told me I was "naive" and selling the house for too little. I took her advice and pulled out of the deal.
A couple of months later, I sold the house for $80,000 more than the previous offer. My partner says I owe her the $80,000 because she "earned" it for me.
Although she says she would not have accepted such an offer from me, she feels I should've offered to give her that amount. I believe if she had my best interests at heart, to say nothing of the interests of our relationship, she would never have even thought such a thing. What is your take on this? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN FLORIDA
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It appears you have partnered up with a greedy woman. Not only was it wrong of her to think of such a thing, it is wrong of her to keep harping on it. Of course she would have taken the money if you had offered it. From my perspective, all you "owe" her is a heartfelt thank-you.
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