To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Hospice Can Help Make Dying a Loving Acceptance of Loss
DEAR ABBY: "Overwhelmed in Arizona" wrote that she is helping her dad care for her dying mother, and feels isolated and overwhelmed by her feelings. She said: "The doctors now say there's nothing more they can do. Basically, Mom is at home waiting to die." You recommended an American Cancer Society support group.
Please invite her to explore hospice. Hospice lovingly accompanies patients, together with their families, during their final stage(s) of a terminal illness. While attending to the pain management needs of the patient, hospice also nurtures both patient and family through this difficult time, addressing all aspects (medical, nursing, social work and spiritual care) for all involved. Hospice makes dying about how you LIVE, all of you, in relationship with one another. And that very much includes those who will survive and have to come to terms with their loss. Many hospice organizations provide bereavement care and counseling to anyone who is grieving the death of a loved one.
By turning to hospice, "Overwhelmed" can shortly turn into "Loved and Nurtured in Arizona." -- VIOLA IN SEVERNA PARK, MD.
DEAR VIOLA: Thank you for reminding me about hospice and the important work it does. Hospice is a service for patients who have been told by two physicians they have six months or less to live. It is paid for by Medicare, most of the time at no cost to the patient, and non-Medicare patients can receive care through private insurance. (People without insurance are usually entitled to services for free, or at a reduced rate.) It is listed in the phone book under hospice or palliative care, or log onto www.hospicenet.org, www.hospicefoundation.org. or www.caringinfo.org.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from the girl who said that she and her father were unable to talk about the mother dying of cancer, I had to write.
Imagine how isolated that poor mother must feel! I have survived two rounds of cancer in spite of the fact that I was not expected to. When I told my daughter (I am divorced) that I'd had a recurrence this year, she told me she was angry with me, because I have been "trying to die on her" for most of her life!
I can tell you from firsthand experience that the mother needs to hear it's all right for her to die, and that her daughter and husband love her, but will carry on and be fine. She needs to talk about the good times they have shared -- review photographs, movies, trips, etc. She needs hugs, body contact. Dying is lonely, cold and final. You feel that you have let your family down, disappointed them, and that they are terribly inconvenienced by your not being there for them. -- SHIRLEY IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR SHIRLEY: Thank you for an extremely informative letter. I hope that those who read it will take what you have written to heart. I often hear from people who say they don't know how to act or what to say when someone is stricken with terminal illness. A young woman who is battling cancer put the answer succinctly in a letter to me: "I may have cancer, but I'm still the same person. I want my friends to talk to me like they always have, and about the same things."
As to your daughter, I think in a clumsy way she was trying to tell you she loves you. She's not mad at you for being sick. She's angry and probably frightened that the disease that has taken over your life twice is back again, and this time you may not be able to beat it. If she didn't love you, her reaction would have been indifference.
Computer Bully of a Husband Needs Kick in His Hard Drive
DEAR ABBY: I'm confused about my husband's behavior. He is very smart and works as a computer programmer. Whenever I have a problem with my computer and ask him to help me with it, he gets mad and rants and raves about how he "told me how to fix the problem months ago," or insists that I really should "know" how to fix it or figure it out myself.
After years of feeling like a twit any time I asked for his help on computer-related problems, I started taking my computer to be professionally repaired or upgraded any time there was a problem. Then he started complaining to me for having it worked on when he could do the work himself!
I don't know what to do. If I ask for help, he gets mad and belittles me for not knowing how to fix it myself, but I get the same treatment if I have it done by someone else. Is there a way out of this no-win situation? -- DARNED IF I DO, DARNED IF I DON'T, SANFORD, FLA.
DEAR DARNED: By now it should be clear to you that your problem has nothing to do with computers. Your computer-whiz of a husband takes out his frustrations by verbally abusing you. The way out of this no-win situation is to get to the bottom of what's REALLY "bugging" him. My advice is to drag him to a marriage counselor or drop him before you're beaten down altogether.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old boy and I'm having a girl problem. I'm in middle school, and there's a girl in my class, "Tara," who likes me. I like Tara as a friend. She has asked me out a few times and I have said, "No, I can't date until I'm 16."
In the meantime, I like a girl named "Amber" who goes to the same school. We're not really friends, but we have talked to each other. I have been told by my neighbor, who is on the same softball team as Amber, that she likes me. I'd like to ask Amber out when I can, but I don't want to hurt Tara's feelings. What do I do? -- TORN IN ALBANY, CALIF.
DEAR TORN: I respect the fact that you are a sensitive young man with a conscience. This predicament should have taught you that even a small lie can assume gigantic proportions and eventually bite you in the fanny. If you intend to ask Amber out any time soon, you should first have a chat with Tara and explain that you weren't entirely truthful with her regarding your parents' restriction on dating. Tell her that you like her as a friend -- and hope you will always be friends -- but you would not be comfortable dating her -- at least not right now. (Which leaves the door open for you to date her in the future, if you ever change your mind.)
DEAR ABBY: When someone gives a wedding or Christmas gift of wine or uncooked meat, are you supposed to have the giver over for dinner when you serve it? Please note that they were not intended to be served or cooked at the time the gift was given.
My husband and I are unsure about what to do, but we lean in opposite directions on what is proper. -- "CASSIE" IN PITTSFIELD, MASS.
DEAR "CASSIE": When a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she chooses. No rule of etiquette obligates you to share it with the giver.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Grandma With Full Life Is Not Obliged to Visit Kids
DEAR ABBY: I think you were a bit harsh regarding the mother-in-law of "Forgotten in Idaho." You called her "flawed and self-centered" because she has refused to visit her son and his family during the last five years. (Apparently she went once, while her husband was still living.)
I'm 73, and can't travel comfortably for a number of physical reasons I don't care to share with my children. I also have a full life with my friends, volunteer work, plus e-mails and phone contact with all of my four children, six grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.
Being with a large group -- even family -- for more than a few hours, especially after a tiring trip, takes a physical toll on me. I never seem able to take my medicines on time.
I don't feel I'm selfish, nor do my children, if I don't choose to visit them at their homes. They visit me when they can, and we always have a good time. I accept them and their chosen lifestyles; they accept my preferences without my having to give them a detailed explanation.
You were wrong to call the woman "self-centered and flawed." Perhaps it's the son and daughter-in-law who are selfish and self-centered to expect his mother to conform to their wishes. I'll bet you get quite a few women challenging your answer. -- LEE B. IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR LEE: You're right. I got blasted. Not only have I been flogged with wet noodles, I'm drenched in marinara sauce. Here's a "taste":
DEAR ABBY: Flawed? "Flawed" because she doesn't care to make trips to Idaho? That lady has a life of her own, for crying out loud. Let her live it! If she's like most women our age, it's the first time in her life she comes first instead of the kids. Apparently she's active and healthy. She certainly isn't "flawed," as you assert.
I'm just short of 75, and let me tell you, about 2 1/2 hours with the little ones and I'm ready to go home. I am not alone in that feeling, and none of us consider ourselves "flawed." Bad choice of words, my dear. -- ANN F., JOLIET, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: You owe that senior an apology for the harsh criticism when she did nothing wrong. Many single women her age are demanding of their children. They should be proud and happy she is doing well and enjoying what could be the last 10 years of her life. Grandmotherly feelings come in our 40s and 50s. By our 70s, we have great-grandchildren and, trust me, enjoying them from afar is sufficient. Nature meant those final years to finally bring some enjoyment in life from OUR choice of recreation -- not our children's. If not now, when? -- ANOTHER INDEPENDENT SENIOR (75) WHO WILL ALSO NEVER FLY
DEAR ABBY: I can relate to that mother-in-law because we have a similar problem. The "real" reason we don't visit our four grandchildren often is because they are undisciplined and have never been taught the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. It's stressful and exhausting to be around them. Please remind parents that relatives do not want to be around undisciplined and poorly behaved children. -- ATLANTA GRANDPARENTS
DEAR ABBY: The mother-in-law is 72. As people age, they tend to be uncomfortable leaving their homes and routines. That's one reason why retirement communities and care facilities have structured activities and schedules. It gives the aging comfort to know what's coming.
So cut that mother-in-law some slack. And tell "Idaho" she has two choices: Take it or leave it. -- HEIKE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)