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Daughter Is Hurt When Special Gift Gets Only Nice Reception
DEAR ABBY: My parents recently celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary. As their gift I decided to write "A Collection of Life Lessons and Stories as Seen Through the Eyes of Their Daughter" to honor them and everything they have taught me. My brother proofread it for me, and told me several times how impressed he was with the content and that he loved the idea. His fiancee was also moved and expressed her approval. They even asked for their own copy.
When I presented it to my parents, they were a bit confused. I tried to explain, then asked them to just read it, hoping they would understand how much I love, respect and cherish them. Dad read it that night and simply said, "Nice." Mom read it at work a few days later. Her comment, "It was a nice tribute." My brother asked them what their thoughts were; he was sure they would appreciate the effort that went into it. He seemed as confused by their cool reaction as I was.
I'm not sure what I was expecting, but "nice" was not it! Not one thing has been mentioned about it since, and frankly, the whole thing has left me a bit hurt. Am I a spoiled brat looking for recognition, or am I justified in my hurt feelings? -- FEELING EMPTY IN FLORIDA
DEAR FEELING EMPTY: A gift such as the one you have described must have taken much time and effort, so it's not surprising that you are hurt and disappointed that your parents "ho-hummed" it. The time may have come to ask yourself if your past efforts to please them, or to excel, were greeted in a similarly withholding manner, because it's a technique that some people use to control others.
I wouldn't blame you if in the future, you remembered your parents' anniversaries with something less personal –- a "nice card," a token gift, or even an epilogue for the book titled "More Life Lessons My Parents Taught Me." I'm sure something will come to mind.
DEAR ABBY: I married "Jake" -- a good man -- but I am very unhappy. We became engaged in late 2004 while my father was dying of cancer. We hoped to be married before Daddy passed away, but we were too late.
Jake wanted us to be married immediately, but after the funeral and my first holiday season with Daddy gone, setting a wedding date or being excited about marrying was far from my mind. Jake and I argued, and eventually I gave in. We eloped a few weeks later.
Abby, I'm having a hard time dealing with being married. I feel trapped and horrified at finding myself in this position. I'm upset that Jake pushed to get married so soon. He now says he was afraid I was going to leave him -- and I'm upset that I didn't have the strength to say no.
I'm seeing a counselor for help, but I'd really like to know what you have to say. -- MISERABLE IN L.A.
DEAR MISERABLE: I hope you will continue seeing your counselor because you need more help than "one dose" in an advice column. Your engagement took place at a time when the most significant male figure in your life was dying. Because of his own insecurities, Jake took advantage of the fact -- and of you. Your counselor can support you emotionally while you untangle yourself from this mess. Your problems didn't start overnight, and they will take a while to resolve.
Man Living on Easy Street Leaves Old Friends Behind
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Dave," and I have known each other for 35 years, since kindergarten. Ten years ago, he married a woman from a wealthy family. It was the best and worst thing that ever happened to him. Ever since the wedding, Dave has lost touch with his old friends from the past. He talks down to everyone who is less successful than he is. I don't think he's even aware that he's doing it.
I have tried to talk to him about it in a nonconfrontational way with no luck. Most of my problems are financial, and Dave is no longer able to relate. I no longer enjoy having lunch with him because all he ever talks about is how well he's doing in the stock market. Every time we get together it's the same conversation.
I have invited him to go fishing, sailing, skeet shooting -- even over for a bonfire I throw every year. The only activity Dave ever wants to do is play golf, which I tried for five years and still don't enjoy. My friend seems to have lost all interest in anything beyond golf and money.
Dave says he has "grown" -- but I think he has shrunk and has become an arrogant elitist. Should I give up on this friendship? -- UP TO HERE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR UP TO HERE: Yes. Frankly, I'm surprised the "friendship" has lasted as long as it has. If you need my permission to move on, you have it. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Sometimes people just grow apart.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Amelia," died giving birth to her baby girl, "Alexis." My ex-husband and his new wife adopted Alexis. None of us wants to ignore the memory of Amelia being "Mommy," and they want Alexis to know about her "real mother," but we're not sure how Alexis should address my ex-husband's wife.
Would it be appropriate for Alexis to call her "Mom" or "Mommy," and refer to Amelia as "Mother"? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CONFUSED GRANDMA IN ARIZONA
DEAR GRANDMA: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your daughter. Because Alexis will never know her birth mother, she will regard the step-grandparent who's raising her as her "Mom" or "Mommy," and that's normal. Eventually, when Alexis is old enough to understand, she should be told of her birth mother, "Mommy Amelia," who went to heaven but loved her very much.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married nine years. "Marianne" and I have two wonderful boys and a terrific relationship -- except for one thing, lousy sex. In therapy, Marianne has confessed to me that she is not turned on by me and that there is nothing I can do to change it -- I am just "not her type." (I am an attractive man, but she married me for my personality.) Needless to say, I am very hurt.
Before her confession, I thought Marianne was just not very sexual. Now it turns out that she is, just not with me. What do I do? -- CRUSHED IN CEDAR FALLS, IOWA
DEAR CRUSHED: It appears that your terrific relationship is based more on a platonic attraction than a physical one as far as your wife is concerned. If that's enough for you, accept the status quo. If it's not, however, an amicable divorce might make the both of you happier.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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Man Sheds Too Much Light on Morning Bathroom Routine
DEAR ABBY: My 53-year-old husband insists on raising the window shade and turning on the light when he takes a bath and when he washes up in the morning. He strips naked to brush his teeth and wash his face while standing 4 feet from the window. The window is large, and it starts just above the bathtub.
I have asked him not to do it because I don't think it's appropriate. I have told him he will be regarded as the "weird old man" in the neighborhood. When I told him the situation bothered me, he stopped for a few weeks. Now he's at it again.
Our yard is large and open, so there's an opportunity for the neighbors to see what's going on. How do I get him to stop? Or should I just let him continue and try to get over it? -- WANTS LESS SOUTHERN EXPOSURE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR WANTS LESS: Your husband isn't "going" to be regarded as a "weird old man" in the neighborhood –- he's already there. That you told him it bothered you and he felt compelled to start again indicates to me that he gets a thrill out of exposing himself in situations where he could get caught.
Because he's in his own home, I don't think he's breaking any laws. However, rather than argue over it, I have a suggestion: Contact a window company and have the bottom half of the bathroom window "frosted." That way, your husband can parade around the way nature made him, and if anyone happens by, there won't be any embarrassment.
DEAR ABBY: I run a small day-care business out of my house. I watch only the children of relatives or friends.
One of my friends wants me to start watching her young daughter, "Sierra," who will turn 6 this summer. The problem is Sierra is terrified of animals, large and small. We have a dog, three cats and a guinea pig. Sierra refuses to even get out of the car and stand in my yard. I think they should find day care elsewhere. They, however, keep insisting that Sierra will be "just fine" and that she understands that, come summer, she'll have to come to my house.
Abby, I think it's cruel and insensitive of them to expect Sierra to "get over it" just like that. I have asked them to start asking Sierra to get out of the car and slowly work her way up to coming in before summer starts, but they just laugh and shrug it off. Please help me make them understand without my having to come right down and refuse to take the child. I'm afraid I'll lose friends over this. -- "MARY POPPINS" IN KENTUCKY
DEAR MARY P.: I believe it was your namesake who coined the phrase, "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." Because your concerns are realistic, sweetly tell your friends that you have instituted an "entrance exam." Unless they can prove to you that their daughter can get out of the car, enter your house and interact with the other children, you cannot accept her. They are doing her -– and you -- a disservice by ignoring her animal phobia. Their child may need professional help to get over it. Say it with a smile, but for everyone's sake make the statement.
For the parents to pretend that their daughter's terror of animals will vanish with no intervention on anyone's part is not only unrealistic, it's unfair to their daughter, to you, and to the other children in your care. If they're unwilling to take action, they are not "friends." They are just poor parents who are trying to unload their problem onto you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)