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Birth Mother's Regret Begins to Weigh on Teenage Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted a beautiful baby girl in an open adoption 14 years ago. "Sara's" birth mother, "Chris," was trapped in an abusive relationship. We promised to exchange letters and pictures when Sara was able to communicate, and have done so since Sara turned 10. Sara and her birth mother talk on the phone four times a year.
Although the "open" agreement is not legally binding, we have kept our word. However, over the past year we have become concerned about the effect this is having on our daughter. Sara is sad and moody after contacts with Chris. Chris also sends poetry about the adoption, which upsets Sara. It's pretty heavy stuff for a 14-year-old.
Chris has rebuilt her life, obtained higher education, married and has two toddlers. Despite this, it seems she's still mourning the loss of her firstborn. We understand this, but feel it's unfair to unload this burden on Sara. Sara cried when she saw photos of Chris' two small sons.
Should we limit or sever the contact? -- NO NAMES PLEASE IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR NO NAMES: From my perspective, the letters, photographs and the quarterly phone calls are excessive. And for the birth mother to send "heavy" poetry in an effort to offload her guilt and pain at placing her child for adoption is selfish. Because the contact with her birth mother is depressing your daughter instead of being uplifting, it's time to ask Sara what she thinks -- and take your cue from her.
DEAR ABBY: After 20 years of marriage to an abusive man, I finally divorced him.
One night I was feeling depressed, so I contacted "Garrett," an old high school sweetheart. We ended up really clicking. Garrett has been married twice. Both his ex-wives were unfaithful and treated him shamefully, so he's afraid of marrying again.
Garrett says he loves me and we plan on moving in together. The problem is his mother, who is very religious. She will have a hard time accepting our arrangement. I asked him if he wanted me to talk to her, and he said yes. How do I make her understand? I love Garrett very much and know in my heart we were meant to be together. I feel God brought him back into my life.
I am 42 and Garrett is 43, so it's not like we're kids. I respect his mother very much and know her son wants her acceptance. Any advice you could offer would be appreciated. -- DESPERATE TO BE HAPPY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DESPERATE: Say to Garrett's mother: "I love your son and feel in my heart that we were meant to be together. I want and need to be with him. He has struck out twice at marriage and is afraid to try again -- and at least for now, I'm prepared to accept this. I like and respect you very much. We plan to live together, and if you would like to be part of our lives, we would like that, too." Then shut your mouth and hear what the woman has to say. She may pleasantly surprise you.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it is inappropriate to leave a family gathering if another family member brings a child -- or himself -- to the gathering with a highly contagious sickness? This is causing a rift between me and my husband's family. -- DEBBIE IN HAMILTON, OHIO
DEAR DEBBIE: Let me answer you in this way: For someone with a contagious illness to put others at risk of catching it is selfish and inconsiderate. You have every right to protect yourself by leaving the gathering. In fact, I recommend it.
DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. I have known the man of my dreams, "Gabe," for 14 years. We have been in a serious committed relationship for more than two of them. Gabe has said he wants to marry me, and even went so far as to look at engagement rings and ask my input as to what my dream wedding would be like.
We found a location, the ring, and even set a date. But now Gabe says he doesn't need a license to make him feel like he is married to me. I'm ready to leave because I want to be a wife and have children. Should I wait for something that may never happen, or follow my instincts and make a new life for myself with a man who wants the same things out of life that I do? -- TIRED OF WAITING IN TEXAS
DEAR TIRED OF WAITING: You have asked exactly the right question, but you're asking the wrong person. Ask Gabe why he has suddenly gone from finding a location, a ring, and setting a wedding date to dragging his feet.
The difference between being married and "feeling" married is night and day. If you want the guarantees that a marriage license brings, you may have to listen to your intuition and find another man.
DEAR ABBY: This may be an unusual question for your column, but as tattoos have become more mainstream, what is the proper procedure for tipping the tattoo artist? Would it be different than a hairdresser, as many tattoos run into the hundreds -- and sometimes thousands -- of dollars?
I'll be starting a back piece soon, and I think $125 an hour is plenty when it will take 20 hours to complete. -- DOESN'T WANT TO GET "STUCK" IN MICHIGAN
DEAR DOESN'T: I Googled "tipping for tattoos." The Web site I went to stated that "between 10 and 20 percent" is an appropriate gratuity.
However, according to the several tattoo parlors I checked with, tips for tattoo artists are not necessarily calculated by a percentage of the cost. Tipping for a work of art -- and that is what a tattoo is considered to be -- reflects the customer's satisfaction with the result, the time required to apply it and the intricacy of the design. (To me, this implies that the amount could be larger than stated on the Web site.) Sometimes, rather than money, gifts are given to the artist, such as art books, spiritual artifacts, jewelry, etc.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmer," and I care for his elderly mother and we rarely have time alone together. Ever since our mutual friend, "Stan," started working with Elmer, he has been at our house every weekend.
Last weekend, Elmer and I had planned a date -- just dinner and a movie -- but it was time we had planned to spend together. Stan decided that he wanted to spend the weekend with us, and he didn't like the movie we had chosen or the restaurant we had selected for dinner. He's the kind of person who, if you criticize him at all, will react in the most insulting way possible.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to come between Elmer and his best friend. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR "CROWDED": You may not want to, but unless you and your husband assert yourselves, that's what his friend may do to you. It's not a criticism to inform Stan that you and Elmer have previous plans -- and frankly, the person to do it is your husband. Stan will take the news better if he hears it from Elmer anyway.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
News of Old Affair Tarnishes Man's Sterling Image of Wife
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 15 years to a woman I have always placed on a pedestal. I recently learned that when she was single, she had an affair with a married man. I can't get it out of my head. I'm afraid it will drive me to drink.
Yes, she has been a good wife and mother to our two girls (ages 11 and 13), but I no longer have the respect for her that I once had. We recently got into an argument that escalated into name-calling, and I called her a "slut" because that's what I feel she is. She dated at least seven or eight other men before we married, and knowing she had sex with a married man, I'm sure I can safely assume that she had sex with the others.
Our sex life is deteriorating. I feel I'm not making love to a "clean" woman, that she is used and dirty laundry. I told her she had cheated me the same as if I paid for a new car and then found out the dealer delivered a used one.
She always claimed to be a good Catholic, and I told her she even ignored her religious teachings, as they teach you to be a virgin for your husband. I won't leave her because of the children, but I'm afraid I'll have a hard time staying even though I believe I love her.
Instead of having her on a pedestal, I now have her in the gutter. Please advise me before I go out of my mind. -- HURT AND SAD, TRENTON, N.J.
DEAR HURT AND SAD: Hurt and sad? Imagine how SHE feels! Assuming that you are also Catholic, were you a virgin when you married your wife? Surely, the same rule applies to Catholic men as it does to Catholic women. If, after 15 years of solid marriage and two children, this is what your wife gets from the man who promised God he would love, honor and cherish her until death, frankly, I think she deserves better.
Pedestals are cold, drafty places on which to live, and it is unfair and unrealistic to label your wife as either a Madonna or a whore because of a youthful indiscretion. These days, most people fall somewhere in between.
Please, don't be a "martyr" and "stay because of the children." Unless you can find it in your heart to forgive (as your religion preaches), give the poor woman a break and go. Name-calling isn't going to fix this; psychological and religious counseling for you might. Your wife does not deserve the abuse you have heaped upon her, and you need more help than anyone can give you in a letter.
DEAR ABBY: My nephew recently married a widow with two teenage sons. His wife insists that he should have "a child of his own" -- but through adoption. She does not intend to have any more children.
My sister has now informed all the members of our family that the adoption fee is $25,000 and that we will be expected to make a donation! I have never seen this matter addressed in your column. Please tell us what to do, and fast. Our family awaits your opinion. -- MUDDLED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MUDDLED: You have never seen the matter addressed in my column because the premise is so original and outlandish that no one has sent it to me before. It is my opinion that if your nephew and his wife cannot come up with the money to finance the adoption, they should postpone it until they can. (Just what would your sister consider everyone's "fair share" of this project to be? And if you did buy into this joint venture, does that mean you would have a say in how the child is raised?)
There are too many questions that come to mind, and not enough answers. Tell your sister, "Nice try, though!"
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