Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandma With Full Life Is Not Obliged to Visit Kids
DEAR ABBY: I think you were a bit harsh regarding the mother-in-law of "Forgotten in Idaho." You called her "flawed and self-centered" because she has refused to visit her son and his family during the last five years. (Apparently she went once, while her husband was still living.)
I'm 73, and can't travel comfortably for a number of physical reasons I don't care to share with my children. I also have a full life with my friends, volunteer work, plus e-mails and phone contact with all of my four children, six grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.
Being with a large group -- even family -- for more than a few hours, especially after a tiring trip, takes a physical toll on me. I never seem able to take my medicines on time.
I don't feel I'm selfish, nor do my children, if I don't choose to visit them at their homes. They visit me when they can, and we always have a good time. I accept them and their chosen lifestyles; they accept my preferences without my having to give them a detailed explanation.
You were wrong to call the woman "self-centered and flawed." Perhaps it's the son and daughter-in-law who are selfish and self-centered to expect his mother to conform to their wishes. I'll bet you get quite a few women challenging your answer. -- LEE B. IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR LEE: You're right. I got blasted. Not only have I been flogged with wet noodles, I'm drenched in marinara sauce. Here's a "taste":
DEAR ABBY: Flawed? "Flawed" because she doesn't care to make trips to Idaho? That lady has a life of her own, for crying out loud. Let her live it! If she's like most women our age, it's the first time in her life she comes first instead of the kids. Apparently she's active and healthy. She certainly isn't "flawed," as you assert.
I'm just short of 75, and let me tell you, about 2 1/2 hours with the little ones and I'm ready to go home. I am not alone in that feeling, and none of us consider ourselves "flawed." Bad choice of words, my dear. -- ANN F., JOLIET, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: You owe that senior an apology for the harsh criticism when she did nothing wrong. Many single women her age are demanding of their children. They should be proud and happy she is doing well and enjoying what could be the last 10 years of her life. Grandmotherly feelings come in our 40s and 50s. By our 70s, we have great-grandchildren and, trust me, enjoying them from afar is sufficient. Nature meant those final years to finally bring some enjoyment in life from OUR choice of recreation -- not our children's. If not now, when? -- ANOTHER INDEPENDENT SENIOR (75) WHO WILL ALSO NEVER FLY
DEAR ABBY: I can relate to that mother-in-law because we have a similar problem. The "real" reason we don't visit our four grandchildren often is because they are undisciplined and have never been taught the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. It's stressful and exhausting to be around them. Please remind parents that relatives do not want to be around undisciplined and poorly behaved children. -- ATLANTA GRANDPARENTS
DEAR ABBY: The mother-in-law is 72. As people age, they tend to be uncomfortable leaving their homes and routines. That's one reason why retirement communities and care facilities have structured activities and schedules. It gives the aging comfort to know what's coming.
So cut that mother-in-law some slack. And tell "Idaho" she has two choices: Take it or leave it. -- HEIKE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
Breaking Cycle of Abuse Must Start With Our Youth
DEAR ABBY: Your recent letters regarding domestic violence bring important attention to the dangers of this problem. Unfortunately, every year thousands of Americans lose loved ones to this terrible epidemic, and most are left wondering what they could have done to prevent it.
Too often we assume that violence happens only to other people -- people of a different race or culture, people who live in a different community, or people in a different type of relationship. But domestic violence does not discriminate. It can touch everyone -- through friends, co-workers and family members who are suffering silently without our even knowing it. Many of us also know abusers -- people who may seem charming and likable on the surface but cause fear, self-doubt, pain, even death, to those they claim to love.
Recent studies show that as many as one-third of teens experience abuse in a dating relationship. And, more than half of teens say they know friends who have been physically, sexually or verbally abused. The need for early intervention to change these shocking statistics is clear.
We must reach out to youth and talk openly and often about these issues so we can help them to avoid the terrible sorrow felt by families and others who are victims of abuse. Each of us has the right to a safe and healthy relationship free from violence, coercion and fear. -- JESSICA ARONOFF, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, BREAK THE CYCLE
DEAR JESSICA: Thank you for an important letter. I hope it grabs the attention it deserves from teens and their parents. Your statement that as many as one-third of teenagers experience abuse in a dating relationship, and more than half of them have friends who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused, will shock many people, I am sure.
Readers, Break the Cycle provides domestic violence education, information and help to students ages 12 to 24 throughout the country. It teaches what healthy relationships are and helps them to recognize the warning signs of abuse. Break the Cycle lets them know that help is available if they are suffering or in danger, and shows them that they deserve safe, supportive, non-violent relationships.
There are opportunities for interested people to help in this endeavor. To find out more about this worthwhile program, log onto www.breakthecycle.org, or call toll-free at 1-888-988-8336 (TEEN). I have supported Break the Cycle in the past, and continue to do so, because the earlier young people learn to differentiate between healthy relationships and obsessive, destructive ones, the healthier our society will be.
DEAR ABBY: I am confused about my sexual orientation. I am an 18-year-old girl. Although I encounter a lot of attractive guys at work, I don't find myself attracted to any of them. I do think that they are handsome, but I never, ever get that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling that my friends describe to me. At the same time, I am pretty sure I am not a lesbian.
Is there something wrong with me? Could I be asexual? Is there any way this can be diagnosed? -- CONFUSED IN NEVADA
DEAR CONFUSED: I hate to see you diagnose and label yourself. It is possible that you have simply not met the right person yet. Real life is not the way it's presented in movies and music videos, where the hero and heroine are struck by lightning and carried away at first encounter. Give it one more year, and if you still feel there is something missing, discuss it with your doctor. Sexuality is a matter of degree, and no two people are exactly alike.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DAD AND BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND ARE CAUGHT IN COUCH CLINCH
DEAR ABBY: My brother and his girlfriend, "Serena," moved in with my parents three years ago. They have since had a child who is almost 2. My brother did some things he shouldn't have, and now he's in prison. (He has eight months left to serve.) Serena doesn't work and barely takes care of their son. My parents seem to always have the little boy.
Last night, I dropped by the house unexpectedly. Mom was in bed, but I found my dad and Serena making out on the couch. I was furious. I could have killed her right there for doing that to my mom and my brother. Somehow I managed to keep my cool, but not before letting my presence be known.
Dad tried to act like what I saw was a game and wasn't real. I know what I saw, and I feel terrible. I don't know how to handle this. Should I tell my brother and my mom? I can never go back into that house ever again. As long as Serena is there, I am a time bomb waiting to explode. I'm afraid of what I might do to her. Please help me! -- "TICKING" SISTER IN N. CAROLINA
DEAR "TICKING": I'll try. The first thing you must do is recognize that, as tempting as it is to blame this all on Serena, your father is an adult and responsible for his actions. He is as guilty as Serena is, and attacking her is not the solution.
Because having Serena living under the same roof has proved too tempting for your father to resist, give him two weeks to move her and the baby out, or you will tell your mother what you saw. (I wouldn't be surprised if she already has an inkling.) If Serena goes, say nothing. To tell your brother that the mother of his child has been cheating on him with his father while he's incarcerated, and unable to do anything about it, would be to no one's benefit, so I strongly advise against it.
DEAR ABBY: When I have to express my sympathy to someone, such as an acquaintance at work over the death of a loved one, I haven't a clue as to what to say. I don't want to bore them with platitudes; they sound meaningless. I want it to be something heartfelt.
In the very near future, I will be losing a friend to cancer. I don't know what to say when my friend talks about dying. I want to be there for the family, and not be tongue-tied about expressing my feelings. Everything I think to say sounds stupid in my mind, so I keep my mouth shut. -- TONGUE-TIED IN TEXAS
DEAR TONGUE-TIED: Your discomfort isn't unusual, but please understand: What may seem "stupid" to you will not seem that way to the friend who is dying, nor to the family that is grieving. My advice is to keep your message brief and simple. To the family who is in mourning, say, "Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss." If they want to talk about it further, they'll let you know. If they don't, they will simply thank you for your condolences.
It is often difficult to converse with someone who is dying because of "survivor guilt," or a fear that we will become too emotional. Believe me, a person with a terminal illness is still the same person you have always loved. Listen to what he or she has to say, because the person may just need to talk. If you are wondering what to tell your friend, tell her what knowing her has meant to you, share what lessons she has taught you, describe those qualities that make her special. And it's all right to say that your life will not be the same without her when she is gone. It's not hokey; it's the truth. And one more thing. It's OK to cry. Tears can be healing.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)