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Sister in Law Resents Being Nameless in Family Newsletter
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law writes family newsletters that she sends to all her siblings and their spouses. All of the names of the sisters-in-law are listed at the top of the letters except for my name -- which is conspicuously absent.
If my husband and I were newlyweds, I'd assume that this lack of courtesy was an innocent oversight. However, we're rapidly approaching our 25th wedding anniversary, and we have been married longer than any of the other siblings.
When I complain to my husband, he says I'm making too much out of it. Should he say something to his sister on my behalf, or should we both continue pretending not to notice? For the record, my sister-in-law and I have always been friendly to each other.
Please, Abby, don't reveal my name or location. I don't want to create any friction in the family or be embarrassed any further. -- HURT IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR HURT: I can't help but wonder why it has taken you nearly a quarter of a century to ask this question. Your husband should have dealt with this matter years ago. However, because he has not, my advice to you is to pick up the phone and humorously ask your sister-in-law if she's finally ready to "accept you into the family." And when she asks why you're asking that question -- point out her omission.
DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law in another state insists on sending inappropriate gifts to our daughters. For example, he sent our oldest daughter an expensive doll on her first birthday. The doll was designed for children ages 3 and up. We thanked him for the gift and stored it away for later use, since we were unable to return it without incurring significant shipping charges.
For Christmas, my father-in-law sent our 10-day-old baby a similar gift from the same store. I hate to see him continue this pattern and waste money on dolls that a newborn won't be able to enjoy for three years. I feel my husband should speak to his father about choosing age-appropriate gifts. However, I don't want him to think my husband and I are ungrateful, so we are hesitant to mention the issue to him. Please advise what, if anything, we should do about these gifts. -- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN TAMPA
DEAR NOT UNGRATEFUL: Use the personal approach. Call your father-in-law and thank him for his thoughtfulness and generosity. Then explain that the beautiful dolls he has been sending cannot be given to your daughters yet. Tell him that not only could the children hurt the dolls, the dolls could come apart and hurt the children. Your father-in-law may be clueless that very young children need special cuddly toys that can't hurt or choke them if they should come apart. You'll be doing both him and your daughters a favor.
DEAR ABBY: Some close friends, "Mary" and "Bob," are in the midst of a bitter divorce. I like both of them and would like to remain friends with them -- but how can I comfort and support one of them without seeming like a traitor to the other one, and vice versa?
Mary has already chewed me out for even talking to Bob. What should I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: As I see it, you have two choices -- speak to neither one until the divorce is final, or tell Mary that you are not community property and you have chosen to remain neutral because you care about them both. However, there is one caveat to the latter: If you refuse to side with Mary, she may interpret your "neutrality" as betrayal and dump YOU.
Ex Husband's Harassment Qualifies as Illegal Stalking
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my mid-30s, recently divorced for the second time. I was married for 13 years.
Abby, my ex won't leave me alone. He calls me constantly, and if I won't talk to him, he starts threatening me. Hanging up on him doesn't work; it makes him that much angrier. He threatens to damage my vehicle, and says he has people watching my daughter when she goes out on the one night that she is allowed.
He will call and tell me where she went, who she was with and what time she came home. He has me watched, too. I don't go out except to work and to the grocery store. Calling the police is not an option because that will just make it even worse on me. Please help me. -- BEING WATCHED, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
DEAR WATCHED: There is a name for the harassment you and your daughter are receiving. It's called STALKING. Although you may not be aware of it, there is a law against stalking in Alabama. After I read your letter, I contacted your chief of police and read it to her. She advises that you should document every incident -- which can include recording those threatening phone calls -- and file a police report.
I wish you had been more specific about the reason for your reluctance to inform the police. If you are frightened because your ex-husband is somehow connected to law enforcement, this crime should be reported to Internal Affairs so they can investigate the charges. The longer you remain silent, the longer his intimidation will continue.
DEAR ABBY: I married late, to a wonderful man I'll call "Juan." Our courtship was very brief. We are fine. My problem is his family.
Everyone was very cordial at first, but during a brief rough patch early on in our marriage, his family made it clear where the line was drawn -- me on one side, all of them on the other. (I have no immediate family of my own, just a couple of close girlfriends I consider to be "family.") Juan was caught in the middle.
Since then, we have come to an understanding regarding holidays, birthdays, etc. If I work the holiday, Juan spends it with his family. If not, he's home with me for the majority of it, but makes a short visit to them. (We live in the same town.) We split Juan's birthday. If someone from his family phones the house, I'm pleasant, but other than that we don't speak.
My question concerns my elderly mother-in-law. There's a language barrier, and she usually believes what anyone tells her, which early on was unflattering where I was concerned. Due to her advanced age, there will be a funeral I have to contend with at some point. I feel I should be there for Juan when the time comes, but I have absolutely no desire to be around any of the rest of his family. What should I do? -- JUAN'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: When the time comes, take your cue from your husband. If he would like you to be there, then attend the funeral with him and be pleasant to his family. If he prefers to go alone, you'll be off the hook.
P.S. Between you and me, you should be prepared to go. When a man loses his mother, he usually wants the person closest to him to be near him -- and that should be you.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dining With Alzheimer's Patient Takes Some Advance Planning
DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Framingham, Mass." wrote that her mother suffers from an Alzheimer's-like dementia. Her personality has changed from polite and socially correct to losing the checks and balances that prevent her from saying whatever comes to mind. She went on to say that her mother sometimes acts up in public places -- like restaurants -- and asked how to explain the situation to the restaurant staff without embarrassing her mother.
I work as a server in an upscale restaurant. As a party was being led to my section recently, a woman from the party left the others and handed me a business card. She smiled and asked me to read it before coming to the table. I went to the server station and did so. It was printed with information about her spouse having Alzheimer's. It was tasteful and informative. Most important, she did not have to say anything in front of her husband that might upset him. I thought it was a great idea. I shared the card with our hostess and the cashier so that no misunderstanding could occur there, either. -- NANCY IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR NANCY: How kind of you to write. Since that letter appeared, I have received mail from readers coast to coast telling me that cards such as the one you were handed are available through the Alzheimer's Association. Typically they read: "The person with me has a disease called Alzheimer's or a related disease. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you."
Readers, if there isn't a chapter of the Alzheimer's Association in your community, contact the National Alzheimer's Association. The toll-free number is (800) 272-3900. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Framingham, Mass." should bring her mother's inappropriate displays to the attention of the woman's physician. As a board-certified geriatrician, I often see families with similar problems. Many of these disruptive behaviors can be controlled with the proper medication or other forms of therapeutic intervention.
Being the caregiver for an Alzheimer's patient can be a stress-filled, 24-hour-a-day job. Help is available, and the assistance and compassionate understanding of professionals can keep the Alzheimer's patient a loving part of the family. -- ARTHUR EFROS, M.D., WEST BLOOMFIELD, MICH.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, normally a very gentle person, has Alzheimer's. When we are going out to eat, I always call the restaurant and inform them of his condition. I ask if there is a time when they are not busy, and request a table in the far corner. In this way, I avoid what could be an unpleasant situation for both the server and my dear husband. I have found if they know ahead of time, they will make every effort to accommodate us. I have even had servers accompany him to the restroom and bring him back to the table. I always leave a generous tip for these servers who go out of their way to make our evening an enjoyable one. -- BEEN THERE AND BACK, EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Torn in Framingham" was good, but please go one step further and advise family members, caretakers and other associates of dementia sufferers to contact the Alzheimer's Association and ask for the book "The 36-Hour Day." It is filled with helpful suggestions and advice.
My oldest sister died recently at 79 after a 10-year-battle with Alzheimer's, and my youngest sister has recently been diagnosed with it. I have recommended this book to many people. Those who took the time to read it find it very helpful. -- HORACE IN SPRINGFIELD, OHIO
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)