Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Unusual Names Can Trip Up Kids at School and in Life
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the letters I received from readers who felt I was wrong to advise a stepmother to caution her stepdaughter about giving her baby a name that will be pronounced differently than it is spelled. Today, I'll share the thoughts of those who felt my advice was on target. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you, thank you, thank you for your response concerning the odd spelling of a baby's name! I have worked in the public school system and in customer service, and I speak for many when I say that nothing is more annoying than trying to figure out how to pronounce or spell an invented name. It's also frustrating for the owners of the names, who must spend their lives explaining to people how to spell and pronounce the names their parents stuck them with.
Some parents (usually young ones) seem to think a weird name is "cute." Nothing is further from the truth. Thank you for having the courage to speak out for babies who have no choice in the matter. -- LINDA IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nurse for more than 25 years in newborn nurseries. Too often people give cute and original names that only end up being a burden. Many a time have I asked a child's name, only to hear one that will make that child cringe in the future. And often, these same parents go out of their way to make the spelling impossible!
Suggestion: Give a basic middle name the child can fall back on if needed. Please remember that in the flash of an eye, that baby will be in school, where other children will be cruel. -- R.N. FROM ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR R.N.: You're right. A woman once wrote me that her daughter intended to name her baby girl Diana Rhea, which I emphatically discouraged.
DEAR ABBY: That letter reminded me of a story my mother, a retired schoolteacher, told me about one of her students. His name was spelled on all school documents as "Demacus," so that's how all the school officials and all the boy's friends pronounced it.
One day, the boy's mother came to pick him up from school, heard the teacher call the boy "Demacus," and became indignant that she was "mispronouncing his name -- it's DemaRcus!" The teacher pointed out that his name was spelled without the "R" on all his paperwork, and the mother grew even more irate, stating, "Well, I don't know how to spell it, but it's DemaRcus!"
If you can't spell it, please pick another name! -- JENNIFER IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for pointing out the social implications of odd name spellings. I encountered a little boy who, I am sure, has felt the impact of this every day of his life. His name is Jade. His mother pronounced it something like Zhar-day. When she told me, I looked at that beautiful little boy, shook my head and said, "I'm sorry." -- CHARLES IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: I can tell you first-hand that an unusual name can be a handicap socially and in business. My mother shortened a family name and added an ending that comes from a language not in my bloodline. It was humiliating when I was growing up. People do not remember names because they are "unique." No one ever forgets the name "Mary."
I believe I have missed many business contacts because people felt awkward because they couldn't remember my name, and it has caused trouble because documents and contracts often had to be redone due to a misspelling.
Please urge your readers to consider this when naming a child. Growing up and business life are hard enough to negotiate without having to fight for your identity every five minutes. Trust me. -- "TM" IN KENTUCKY
Playing the Baby Name Game Is Every Mother's Prerogative
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter on Nov. 22 from the mother who was concerned about how her stepdaughter is going to spell her daughter's name, which will be Jasiela (pronounced Gisella). And you, of all people, agreed that she should speak with the mother about spelling?
Abby, that is the joy in naming your child! You get to choose the name and how to spell it. The unusual spelling of a child's name is what makes the child unique. For that mother to take that away from the mother-to-be, well, it's none of her business! The child will learn to spell her name, as she will other difficult words in life. I feel the mother is entitled to name her child whatever she'd like, as long as the husband agrees. -- SHAWN IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR SHAWN: One of the most interesting things about writing my column is not knowing how the public will react. When I answered that letter, I had no idea that some readers would react like angry hornets. I was trying to be logical, but there are strong feelings on both sides of the subject. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a soon-to-be new mom, I take exception to the arrogance people show regarding naming children. Because it is not a name that everyone is familiar with does not mean that it's not a good one. And spelling is in the eye of the beholder! I am appalled that people would couch their displeasure for a name under the guise of "for the sake of the child." I would encourage that writer to MYOB. I know if I were the stepdaughter and she said something to me, I would not be happy about it at all. -- FUTURE MOTHER TO IAN OR MIKAYLA IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR ABBY: I was given an unusual name. I have had to instruct everyone from teachers, students and co-workers as to how it is pronounced and the correct spelling. Does this mean my parents didn't know the "correct" spelling of my name? I wholeheartedly say NO!
I have also chosen to give my children unusually spelled names, names that were chosen with careful thought and consideration as to spelling and pronunciation. A name is something to cherish and live up to. My children have been and will continue to be taught this throughout their lives.
If the grandmother-to-be is concerned about the name, she should start thinking of a good nickname to give the child. -- KLISTA IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: I did a Google search on the baby name databases. One of the better ones I queried was Parenthood.com. It shows the male name "Jasiel" and identifies it as a biblical name meaning "the strength of God." Obviously, then, "Jasiela" is the feminine form of the name.
Your advice seemed off-putting. "Hesitant" is well-meaning, but she should mind her own business. And for you to assume that Mum didn't know the correct spelling -- well! That was a presumptuous remark and certainly not in your normally empathetic style. I think this is one of the rare times that you blew it, Abby! -- LEANNE R. IN CANADA
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I grew up with unusual names for the United States -- Deirdre (dear-dra), Aisling (ash-ling), St. John (sin-gin) and, easiest of all, Becket, pronounced as spelled. True, it wasn't always easy, but our teachers learned something new, and today, as adults, we love our names and are happy our parents ignored convention. -- DEIRDRE IN EKER, SWEDEN
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow, I'll share some of the letters from folks who agreed with my answer. Stay tuned ...
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Abusive Husband's Remarriage Brings His Ex Wife to Tears
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I divorced my abusive husband of 23 years. However, when he remarried I fell apart. Friends we have in common tell me they are happy, and his new wife is "good for him."
Thoughts of why he could change for someone else, but not for his own family (we had two sons) eat me up. It has been a year since his wedding, and I am still hurting as if I want him back. Please help me. -- CRYING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears and straighten up. Your husband and his new wife are still newlyweds. Leopards don't change their spots. His abuse of her may not have begun yet, because most abusers take some time to chisel away at their victim's self-esteem before the actual abuse starts happening. Also, these "common friends" may not be privy to what goes on behind closed doors. Most abused women blame themselves for it, and are so ashamed they keep it a secret.
Because you are still hurting and comparing yourself unfavorably to the "new" missus, it's time to talk to your doctor about a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can talk this out with you. It will be money well spent. Consider it a shortcut to feeling better about yourself and the wise decision you made to get away from your abuser.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Lindy," has lived with my fiance, "Reid," and me since the death of our mother two years ago. Dad died when I was 12, so there was no other option for my sister.
Everything was going fine until a month ago, when Lindy told me she was pregnant. I was upset because she is only 17. Lindy insisted that things were going to be "fine" because the baby's father was older and well-off.
One night last week, Lindy and Reid (who is 28) sat me down to have a talk about her pregnancy -- and told me that Reid is the father of the baby! I am devastated at their betrayal. I can't believe that Reid, the love of my life, and my little sister, whom I'd considered my best friend, would sleep together. I have let them both live with me and carried them financially for the last two years.
I am beside myself and don't know what to do. I want to kick them out, but I'm afraid for the baby, and I can't just turn my sister out into the streets. I love my fiance and can't bear to let him go, but his actions have proven that he doesn't love me like I love him.
You're the only person I can talk to about this. Please help me, Abby. -- BETRAYED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR BETRAYED: Call off the engagement and get your two-timing deadbeat "fiance" out of there immediately. You have been his meal ticket for far too long. What your sister did might be chalked up to immaturity, but Reid is an adult. Do not let it escape you that he has used you both.
If you can handle it, let Lindy stay until she's 18 and has her high school diploma. That way, she can provide for herself and the baby if she decides to keep it. The baby is not your responsibility; it is Lindy's and Reid's. If you remember that, you'll shield yourself from pain and aggravation in the future.
DEAR ABBY: Could you settle an argument between me and my husband? We've been married only four months.
I get out of the shower and dry off, or walk into the bedroom to dry off. He says I should dry off in the shower. Who is correct? -- ANN FROM FLORIDA
DEAR ANN: You should dry off wherever you are more comfortable drying off, and if your controlling new husband doesn't like it, then HE should dry you off in the shower.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)