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Mom Who's Started New Life Leaves Puzzled Kids Behind
DEAR ABBY: I come from a family of seven kids that has been torn apart ever since the year our mother decided to leave our stepfather of 11 years to be with another woman.
It's not the fact that she chose to be gay; it's the distance that came along with it. She has severed her relationship with all of us kids.
Mom has changed her phone number a few times already. When she has given it out to one of us, it was only after making us promise not to share it with any other sibling or family member. The same with her address. This has caused problems between siblings. Some are hurt because they don't understand why she doesn't talk to them.
I guess some of us borrowed money and didn't pay her back -- and other similar things -- but she doesn't even give us a chance to pay her back.
A few weeks ago, I sent Mom a letter apologizing for everything I have put her through, asking for forgiveness and telling her I'll love her unconditionally. It has been more than two weeks since I mailed it, but still no reply. We live in the same city.
I'd knock on her door, but I'm afraid I'll be rejected. Everyone tells me to give up on her, but she's the only mother I've got, and I don't want to. What can you recommend I do? -- WANTS MY MOM IN SAN JOSE
DEAR WANTS MOM: Risk the rejection. It would not be more painful than what you're experiencing now. Write your mother a check for the money you owe her, buy her flowers and knock on her door.
But before you do, please understand that people do not "choose" to be gay -- and after having seven children and spending all those years with two husbands trying to be straight, at this point she deserves all the love and support she can get.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a 2-month-old baby. We agreed that I'd stay home for a few months and "take care of the house." Unfortunately, with breastfeeding and the baby's sleep schedule being irregular, I never get enough rest and I constantly feel fatigued.
I know this is a common occurrence with new moms, but my boyfriend feels he should come home every day to a clean house, with dinner on the table and me ready for sex. I want to do all of these things, but the household chores are harder than I thought, and the sex -- I really have little desire for it yet.
When I try talking to him about it and explaining how I feel, he dismisses me and says that I'm the only woman in the world who can't do the "simple task" of keeping house, etc.
He insults me, calls me lazy and makes me feel awful. If I cry, he tells me to "stop feeling sorry for myself" and acting like a little girl. It's starting to make me not even want to try anymore. But I know that will only make it worse. What can I do? -- HURT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIF.
DEAR HURT: Your boyfriend is extremely uninformed about the changes that take place in a woman's body -- not to mention a couple's lives -- when a baby enters the picture. A talk with your pediatrician might sensitize him, but if it doesn't, then it's time for you to look into finding day-care for your baby and a job for yourself, because, as it stands, your child could reach adulthood before your boyfriend does. His expectations are unrealistic, and his attitude of entitlement should give you serious second thoughts about ever marrying him.
Out of Mouths of Babes Come Nosy Question for Sub Teacher
DEAR ABBY: I'm a busy, 72-year-old substitute teacher in the elementary grades, and I do my best to make a difference with the limited time I have to spend with each of the many groups of students I teach in various classrooms.
I realize that I look older than other teachers and, every once in a while, a student will ask me my age. It may be an inappropriate question, but these are youngsters who may not have learned about such sensitivities. Ignoring the question doesn't make it go away and undoubtedly would puzzle the student who asked it.
Is honesty the best policy in such cases? I'm open to suggestions as to how to best handle this situation in the future. -- AN ARIZONA SENIOR
DEAR ARIZONA SENIOR: There are certain questions that are considered rude to ask. A person's age is one of them. If these students have not been taught that lesson at home, then it falls to you as a teacher to enlighten them.
Your answer should be, "My dear, that question is inappropriate and should not be asked of someone who is an adult." Say it gently with a smile so it does not seem like a rebuke.
DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine, "Trish," is being married next March in Hawaii. The groom's brother, "Tom," and his fiancee announced this week that they plan to have their honeymoon at the same time as the wedding in Hawaii. This has upset Trish and her future husband, whose wedding plans had long been in place.
Should Trish be upset about this? And if so, does she have a right to voice her opinion to the honeymooners? Other family will be at the wedding. Will this steal Trish's wedding limelight? -- MAID OF HONOR
DEAR MAID OF HONOR: In no way will Tom and his bride steal the spotlight from Trish by having their honeymoon at the time of Trish's wedding. There may have been budgetary considerations that led to their decision. It's possible they could not afford to have a honeymoon and attend the wedding, too -- so they combined the two happy occasions.
Your friend may be suffering from pre-wedding jitters, which can cloud a person's judgment. Under no circumstances should she say anything negative to her new in-laws or the rest of the family. If she is gracious, she'll have no regrets -- or rifts -- in the family later.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 24 years refuses to wear her wedding rings. When I asked why, she said it's because we're not getting along. I asked her to put them back on, but she refuses.
We talk, but my love for her is wearing thin -- and when she goes out of town without the rings, it burns me up. What can I do? She refuses to go to a counselor.
I am a stay-at-home, retired dad, and she works full time. I do all the chores, including cooking dinner. There has been no intimacy for months. We have two boys, 14 and 16.
Why would she do something like this? I think she doesn't want to be married anymore. -- SMARTING IN FORT MYERS, FLA.
DEAR SMARTING: Your wife is certainly acting that way. By refusing to wear her wedding rings, she's not only sending a strong message to you, but also to her co-workers and the community at large that she's "available."
It's a shame she won't consider marriage counseling because it takes two people working together to heal a marriage, and yours appears to be in trouble. Please consider getting counseling by yourself. It will help you decide what would be best for you and your sons -- whether it's continuing to tolerate this stressful atmosphere or ending the marriage.
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Housework Suffers as Single Dad Juggles Kids' Schedules
DEAR ABBY: I would like your opinion about something. I am a single dad with two kids. I work 60 hours a week to support them. I'm involved with the Boy Scouts, the Girl Scouts, soccer, their school, etc. I am often on the go to the point that the vacuuming, mopping and dusting are postponed. Personally, I feel that being involved with the kids is more important.
I have a lady friend I have been seeing for a few years, and our relationship is at a standstill. She is a very neat and tidy person, and the moderate clutter in my house is a bone of contention. She feels I should cut back on some of the activities, perhaps just drop off the kids and leave so I would have time to clean the house to her standards. That would mean the Girl Scout troop would fold, and many of the activities of the Boy Scout troop would be curtailed, but her feeling is that the housework comes first. I feel that being involved with the kids comes first. What do you think? -- SLIGHTLY CLUTTERED, WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR SLIGHTLY CLUTTERED: The investment you are making in your children will reap untold benefits in the future. You seem to be a man whose priorities are in order. However, it appears there are some important lessons you are not teaching your children -- and one of them is how to share the housekeeping chores.
If they are mature enough for scouting, surely they can make their own beds, clear the table, load the dishwasher and help with the dusting. You are a wonderful father, but please do not overlook this important part of their education. It will help them to be independent later, and frankly, you could use their help now.
DEAR ABBY: My parents have been married 43 years, and my mother has never been happy with my father aside from their first years of marriage. Dad is and has been into himself and his needs, and has never lifted a thumb for our mom. They had three children, and she raised us completely on her own. Dad was either at work or away on a trip.
Now that the three of us are grown and have families of our own, Dad wants nothing to do with the grandchildren. This makes it hard for Mom, because she loves all the grandchildren and would like to spend time with them.
In the past, Mom talked frequently about leaving Dad, but now she thinks that financially it would be hard. All three of us would like nothing better than for her to escape from him and live the rest of her life in peace and harmony.
How do we let her know that divorcing Dad and living on her own would not be impossible when finances are the only thing holding her back? -- FREEDOM AT LAST IN FLORIDA DEAR FREEDOM AT LAST: The most effective way to get that message across would be for the three of you to tell her in person, in plain English, the next time you visit. I presume, however, that you would all be pitching in to help support her if she did decide to leave your father.
However, don't be surprised if your mother refuses your generous offer. The glue that holds some couples together can sometimes be a mystery even to their children, and her reasons for tolerating this lonely marriage may have nothing to do with money.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)