CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!
Angry Husband's Setbacks Throw Family Into Turmoil
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jimmy," and I moved to the United States from an Asian country 15 years ago. About seven years ago, he lost a lot of money in the stock market. After that, he quit his well-paying job to do day trading and recover the money he lost. He has tried several strategies; none has made any money.
I have a good job, so Jimmy doesn't feel pressured to support his family. However, he's become chronically angry, constantly criticizing me and the kids. His self-esteem is down and he has become extremely impatient, giving me and the kids the silent treatment for days and weeks over little things that make him angry.
Both of our families are back home in Asia, and I do not have a strong support system here. Jimmy doesn't care about socializing with people from our culture and doesn't go out with the family. I have suggested counseling; he doesn't have much faith in it. I have gone for two counseling sessions on my own, which helped me to recognize that he's being verbally abusive.
The negativity in our house is so bad that even our kids don't want to be in the same room as their father. I have considered divorce, but it's not easily accepted in my culture, and I am afraid of being on my own and scared of making such a big decision.
I have tried everything -- offering to help him, be there for him, trying to appease him when he's angry, even though it's not my fault, giving him his space, etc. We are living together for convenience and practicality, but there is no relationship left. We live parallel lives and avoid each other.
Even before changing professions, Jimmy was arrogant, difficult to get along with and had a temper -- but now it has gone from bad to worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions you can give would be helpful. -- BEWILDERED ASIAN WIFE
DEAR BEWILDERED WIFE: Your husband used the stock market to gamble, and he lost big time -- as did a lot of other investors who mistook the stock market for a sure thing. He may be mad at the world, but he's probably angrier at himself, and he appears to be taking it out on the people closest to him.
You can't fix him. Until your husband is ready to admit that he is the problem -- and do something about it -- the best advice I can offer is to consider carefully how his abusive behavior is affecting your children. If you stay, your son(s) will grow up thinking this is normal, and probably repeat it with their wives. And your daughter(s) will likely marry someone "just like dear old Dad."
My advice is to offer your husband the option of counseling one more time, and if he refuses, to consult an attorney about a legal separation. That way you will no longer be responsible for any more debt he may incur. And then, either get him out of the house or take the children to a healthier environment. It wouldn't have to be fancy -- just tension-free. You absolutely cannot continue being the golden goose that gets kicked around. It's bad for you, destructive for your children, and it isn't helping your husband.
P.S. More counseling for you is a must! It will serve as the support system you need while your family goes through this period of transition.
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Soldier Home From Iraq Can't Find the Comfort He Needs
DEAR ABBY: I'm a man who feels all alone in the world. My mother once told me I was the "experimental child" (seeing as I'm the oldest of two).
My girlfriend doesn't understand the living hell of post-traumatic stress from a tour in Iraq, and every time I need comforting, I am pushed away. The only friends who I'm in contact with are her family. Support from my family isn't easy to get.
My father, a Vietnam veteran, understands what I'm going through, but has told me he chooses to stay away because he's afraid of a possible relapse. Help! -- STRESSED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR STRESSED: Consider this: You may have been the "experimental child," but the outcome was obviously a success because your mother went on to bring another child into the world.
I'm not sure that anyone who hasn't been through it -- or isn't a trained psychotherapist -- can truly understand the pain of post-traumatic stress. And that is why I'm urging you to contact your nearest veterans hospital.
More than in wars past, the military medical system seems to appreciate that a large number of vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan will need professional help to overcome their trauma. Help is available, so please don't wait to reach out for it. And while you're at it, take your father with you, because it appears he could use some help, too.
Please let me hear from you again in a few months, because I care. And I have a strong hunch you will have started the healing process.
DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter is pregnant with her third child. We are all excited about the arrival. We were recently told of the baby's name, which is beautiful. My only concern is the way it's being spelled.
The name will be spelled as "Jasiela," although the mother-to-be is pronouncing it "Gisella." Do I need to address the way she's spelling it, for the sake of the child? -- HESITANT IN HITCHCOCK, TEXAS
DEAR HESITANT: Yes. When the little girl gets to school, her classmates and teachers will naturally want to pronounce her name the way it is spelled. And phonetically, "Jasiela" would be pronounced "Jazzy-Ella." It will cause far less confusion if Mom learns the correct spelling for the name she has chosen.
DEAR ABBY: I am 10 years old and I'm concerned about my 11-year-old friend. I'll call her "Riley." We're in the same class at school, and every day I hear her say, "I need to lose weight. I'm sooo fat." Then she tells me, "I want your body. You're so skinny."
But Abby, Riley isn't fat at all! She's really skinny. Just because I weigh in the 60s and 70s, she wants to be me! I don't want Riley to become anorexic, and I try to help her, but she won't listen to me. Please help. -- RILEY'S FRIEND, MONROE, N.Y.
DEAR FRIEND: For someone so young, you are a very sharp girl. When a thin person looks in the mirror and sees herself as "fat," it could, indeed, indicate that the person may need professional help. Please tell your teacher what you have told me. The teacher can see to it that Riley's mother is made aware of her daughter's problem -- because that's what it is, and it could lead to an eating disorder if she doesn't already have one.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hosts Learn to Stand Firm With Guests Who Ignore Rsvp
DEAR ABBY: I could only sympathize after reading the letter from "Tired in Kentucky" (10/9), the mother of the bride who was having trouble with the RSVPs.
At my daughter's wedding we had the same problem. In the end, we had 14 no-shows out of a planned attendance of 79, which at $57 a head for dinner, drinks, champagne toast and appetizers was a lot of money spent for nothing.
I was particularly offended because some of their excuses were poor -- for example, they decided at the last minute to do something better. People apparently don't realize that you have to give a number to the caterer at least a week ahead. You then need to pay for that number of guests whether they show up or not.
I think I have found the answer, though: My next catered party, I'm going to call a week ahead, and if they don't know if they're coming or not, I'm telling them I'll take that as a no. I have learned that the minute you take something away, they want it. Maybe I can train my guests this way. If not, I'll eliminate them from future guest lists. -- MARY IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR MARY: That letter touched a nerve with a lot of readers. It appears that a large segment of the population either never learned good manners in the first place, or has chosen to ignore them. Your solution to the problem is a clever one. Read on for some other solutions to the RSVP problem:
DEAR ABBY: We attended a wedding where the name of each guest who had responded by the given date was put on a list. After the ceremony, there was a closed reception in an upscale ballroom. The doorman had a final list -- and the guests had to sign in before entering the room. If you weren't on the list, you didn't attend the reception.
The doorman was the person giving out the bad news. You couldn't even see the bride and groom. It was done very politely and respectfully to those who had to be turned away, but it was clear that they weren't allowed to enter because they had failed to respond by the date.
I thought it was a nice way to handle the situation. The bride and groom weren't put on the spot and weren't blindsided by an "overcount" of people showing up to eat. The doorman also added to the formality of the occasion. -- MELINDA IN GEORGIA
DEAR ABBY: Here's my solution. It serves me well and always works. I hit upon it when my kids were little, and we never knew whether to expect 10 or 30 for a party.
I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time, but not the location, and add the word "only" on the invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest. I also note, "We'll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( )." To anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.
This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed. They all know they should respond within a given time, and we have wonderful turnouts to all our parties and such.
Thanks, Abby. You and I have coffee together every morning, and I have learned so much from you and your readers! -- SHALIMAR IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.
DEAR SHALIMAR: How sweet! So have I.
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