What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COMPULSIVE WOMANIZER HAS NOW EXPANDED HIS OPTIONS
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Karen," who was once married to "Zack." They divorced and went their separate ways, but nine years later they are back together. I am almost certain they have not remarried, although Karen uses his last name and refers to him as her husband.
Abby, Zack is a compulsive womanizer, always on the lookout for a sexual encounter. Karen doesn't talk about it and pretends that everything is great with her and her "marriage." We all pretend along with her, although picking up strange women for sex is dangerous in many ways.
I live on the coast, and a few weeks ago I drove south to a resort city to spend the weekend with a friend. As we sat in a restaurant, I noticed Zack leaving. (I don't believe he saw me.) I mentioned to my friend and an acquaintance of hers who was sitting with us that I knew the man who was walking out. The acquaintance laughed and said most of the women in the area knew him. It seems he owns a condo there and has attracted some attention because of his behavior. I said I knew about his womanizing. She replied, "Yes, but are you aware that he picks up men as well?" I was stunned.
The person who gave me the information seemed sure of what she was saying, and gave me enough details to convince me that Zack is picking up men for sex as casually as he does women. I am afraid he is exposing Karen to HIV, and I'm almost positive that she doesn't know about his attraction to men.
Should I go to Karen and tell her about this? I'm afraid of losing her friendship if I say anything, but if I don't and something terrible happens, I don't think I could forgive myself. Please advise. -- BITING MY TONGUE IN N. CAROLINA
DEAR BITING: Although I do not endorse repeating gossip, a case such as the one you have described is an exception. Your friend should be told immediately about your visit to the nearby city, that you saw the man she calls her husband there, and what you were told. She should also be advised to see her doctor and be tested for every sexually transmitted disease there is a test for -- if she hasn't done so already.
Please make clear that although you were worried about losing her friendship if you came to her about this, you were more worried about her welfare. What happens after that is her decision, and your conscience will be clear.
DEAR ABBY: I have two teenage stepsons living with me and their mother. The older boy, "Jake," who is 16, wants his mother to take him and his brother out once a week or so to be alone with her, while excluding me and my daughter. Jake is very shy and an introvert. I feel that this is contrary to the common good and will promote a lack of trust in the home.
However, I love my girlfriend very much and will do anything to keep her happy. Am I wrong for feeling betrayed over this? -- STEPFATHER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR "STEPFATHER": Unless I have missed something in your letter, you and the boys' mother are not married -- which makes you a caring live-in, but not a spouse or stepdad. I do not regard Jake's wanting alone time with his mother as any threat to you. As a matter of fact, it might be a good idea for you to schedule private time with your daughter while the boys are with their mother. This is not a betrayal or rejection of you, and you should not feel insecure about it.
DEAR ABBY: "Worried Sister" (10/4), who asked if she should inform her parents that her sister, "Cindy," is playing the choking game, may feel it is a betrayal if she breaks the confidence. But imagine how she'll feel if her sister dies.
I'm a high school English teacher, and one of my students accidentally killed himself this way. It is a misnomer to call it a "game." You were correct, Abby -- it is playing Russian roulette with one's life.
"Worried Sister" must intervene and alert her parents now. Cindy's addiction to the high produced through oxygen deprivation may indicate an addictive personality, something therapy can help. I watched one of my dearest friends repeatedly play the "game" when we were in seventh grade. As he grew older, he progressed to greater highs -- ultimately resulting in his death from a heroin overdose. -- PAMELA IN GREENVILLE, S.C.
DEAR PAMELA: You are obviously a caring and dedicated teacher, and you were generous to offer your expertise. The mail I received in response to "Worried Sister's" letter was chilling. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I work with people with brain injuries. Each and every time "Cindy" chokes herself, she's causing brain damage, and it's only a matter of time until she's a client of mine.
Signs of her brain damage will start out with gaps in memory, short-term memory loss, slurred speech and sudden outbursts of anger. The more advanced stages of brain damage include disorientation, loss of coordination and balance, and seizures.
People who choke themselves to get high should visit the nursing homes in their area, as one of them will someday wind up in one. I speak from experience. I care for many people who said it would never happen to them. This is serious. That girl needs help, and she needs it now. -- ED IN SNOHOMISH, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: I lost my 13-year-old son to the "choking game." It's NOT a game. "Worried's" sister can only be mad at her for so long. Please urge her to talk to her parents. It's the only way to save her sister. If she waits, it could be too late. -- MOM WITHOUT A SON IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ABBY: As a school counselor, I can confirm the widespread familiarity of kids 9 to 15 years old with this "game" and how often parents and other adults are clueless. (I was.) After an 11-year-old died at a nearby school, I polled several middle and elementary school classes to see if they had tried it or knew somebody who had. The percentage was 75 percent! It doesn't receive the news coverage it should because medical examiners often mistake it for suicide. Knowing about it is the key to stopping it. -- CONCERNED COUNSELOR IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: I teach in an elementary school. One of our students died from playing the choking game. Children as young as 6 and 7 have told me they know what to do. We warn students never to put anything around their necks, and talk about "safe" games they can play. We also encourage them to tell an adult if they know someone who is playing the game. Sadly, we didn't learn that children were doing it here until it was too late. -- AMY IN INDIANA
DEAR ABBY: My grandson, "Braden," died from participating in this activity in May 2005. Since then, a nonprofit organization, Stop the Choking Game Association, has been formed to promote education about this dreadful activity. Many parents know nothing about it. Thank you for publishing that letter. -- LYNDI T., BRADEN'S GRANDMOTHER
DEAR LYNDI T.: You're welcome. My heart goes out to all those who have lost loved ones to this "game." For more information about it, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.stop-the-choking-game.com" ��www.stop-the-choking-game.com�.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Would you please inform the business people of America about the existence of your booklet, "How to Write Letters for All Occasions"? When I open a business letter and find myself addressed on a first-name basis, as in "Dear James," the letter immediately goes into the trash!
The informal first-name salutation is entirely wrong because I have never met the person sending the letter, and I consider it highly improper.
When it comes to manners, please inform any and all business people about the proper way to address correspondence. -- MISTER C. IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR MISTER C.: I'm glad to oblige. You are not the only reader who has complained that the degree of informality in business letters they receive seems presumptuous.
As I say in my letters booklet, "Depending on how well you know the person to whom you are writing, you write: Dear Martha, Dear Miss Smith, Dear Joe, Dear Mr. Black." Common sense dictates that if the person is a stranger, the formal salutation should be used instead of the familiar one.
My booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Postage is included in the price.
DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman girl who is dating a junior guy I adore. I can talk to him about anything, and he's always there for me no matter what. We've been dating for seven months.
He is always telling me that we're going to be together forever, and I agree. But now that I start thinking about it, I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't want to say it because I don't want to hurt him. But I'm afraid if I keep leading him on that he'll only get stronger feelings.
How should I tell him this? I am so young, and there are so many other fish in the sea. All my friends keep telling me I can do better, but I just feel stuck and don't know what to do. You can't force yourself into loving someone, can you?
Please answer back as soon as possible, and tell your readers not to get too serious in a relationship unless you are 110 percent positive that he or she is "the one," or you'll end up in too big of a mess to handle. -- DISTRESSED DAMSEL IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR DAMSEL: Although you may "adore" this knight in shining armor, it is not possible to "force" oneself into loving someone else. It is important that you level with him. It is also important that you do so without being cruel.
Because you are unsure that he's "the one" for you, you should tell him that at 14, and only a freshman in high school, you need time to grow and blossom before you will be ready to commit to a relationship that is "forever." Explain that you care about him and would like to be friends, but that you feel it's important that you both date other people.
Do not make any of this his fault. And do not mention that your friends think you can do better. If you were both older, someone with his qualities might be just the ticket for you. If you must blame it on anything, make it a matter of bad timing because, in a sense, that's what it is. That's the downside of young love.
DEAR ABBY: Please assist my wife and me with a question of usage. Is the man who married my wife's sister my brother-in-law or my sister-in-law's husband?
Please help, as there is $20 and a homemade deep-dish pizza on the line. -- STICKLER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR STICKLER: According to Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th edition), your wife's sister's husband is your brother-in-law.