Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Who Sleeps Alone Is Trying to Figure Out Why
DEAR ABBY: Is it OK for two brothers (in the range of 40 years old) to sleep in the same bed? My husband says he is very close to his family. I sleep alone in our bed almost every night because my husband falls asleep on the couch a lot watching TV.
He and his brother were watching a ball game together the other night in his brother's room. (Unfortunately, he lives with us almost year-round.) They were on the bed and fell asleep there.
I should mention that their mother is very "touchy-feely" with them and often sits next to them, caressing her sons' inner thighs.
Where I grew up, this is considered inappropriate behavior. What is wrong with this picture? If I mention anything about this, my husband gets very angry, as he is the "controlling" type. -- FEELING ILL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR FEELING ILL: If your intuition is telling you that "something" is wrong, then you should listen and act upon it. What's clear from your letter is that you're unhappy and unsatisfied in your marriage, with good reason.
For a 40-year-old man to spend almost every night sleeping on the couch instead of with his wife is highly unusual, and the reason usually isn't that what's on television is so compelling he can't drag himself into the bedroom. You should consult a licensed family therapist pronto. And if your husband won't go with you, go without him.
DEAR ABBY: Occasionally you publish letters from readers discussing what they are grateful for. I have never seen one like mine. I am a woman in my early 50s, married 25 years, with no children.
I am grateful for excellent mental health. Until eight years ago, I suffered from manic depression. Other than my supportive husband, no one knew it. I held a job and, for the most part, functioned much like everyone else day-to-day. True, I may have lost a job or two because of it. Also true, it was a major factor in our deciding not to have children. I couldn't handle that responsibility when each day was a delicate dance between feeling all right or very sad and anxious.
Because of counseling and anti-depressants, my life is now wonderful. I am writing to urge anyone who thinks he or she might suffer from debilitating depression to seek help. There is nothing to be ashamed of about seeking help for mental illness. People wouldn't feel that way about consulting a doctor for a broken leg or diabetes. Depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance.
I have been blessed with a kind, supportive spouse and a productive life. I wake up each morning grateful to be alive. Life is too short, so I hope your readers will take this letter to heart. -- GRATEFUL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GRATEFUL: Sometimes the most important words in the English language can be among the most difficult to say. They are, "I need help." And yet, admitting it and reaching out are crucial to healing.
Every time I advise people to discuss emotional problems with their doctor, I am sure to hear from readers telling me they are without insurance or can't afford it. Counseling is available on a sliding fee scale through your county's mental health services, which are listed in the phone directory.
Family Is Tired of Bailing Out Sister Over and Over Again
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Earline," seems not to really care about family that much. She does drugs and sells them.
My family and I just bailed her out of jail. I took my entire paycheck, my brother lent his entire paycheck, and our mom gave the last couple of hundred bucks she had to her name. Earline promised to pay us all back when she got home. (She was arrested out of state.)
We spent well over $1,000 getting her out, and she has been back for two weeks and hasn't repaid any of us. I have an 8-month-old baby to support.
This isn't the first time -- this has been going on for years, and I mean years. What should I say to Earline to get our money back, and so she'll stop doing this? She has two kids who live with my parents. -- NEEDS THE MONEY IN CHILLICOTHE, OHIO
DEAR NEEDS THE MONEY: Your sister may be so drug-addicted -- and addled -- that she can't see beyond her own needs. Surely, if this has been "going on for years," your family is by now aware that the chances that she will repay the money are practically nil. My advice is to write it off, and the next time Earline finds herself in a jam –- or in the slammer –- let her bail herself out. Having to pay the consequences is the only way she'll learn, and possibly get help.
DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law who constantly refers to my brother as "my husband" instead of by his name. I find it so irritating. I feel the term "my husband" should be relegated to the doorman or the cleaners around the corner, as in: "My husband will pick this up this afternoon." It shuts me out and sounds pompous. Am I wrong? -- "GARTH'S" SISTER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR SISTER: Are you wrong? Is she wrong? It seems to me that more is going on here than you being put off by the way your sister-in-law refers to your brother. Maybe she is insecure, and that's why she feels the need to "remind" you that your brother is her husband, or maybe she has trouble remembering names.
But if you let this get under your skin, how will you handle it when a serious disagreement arises -- as it often does in families? My advice is to mellow out and find your sense of humor.
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a wonderful woman, but something has been bothering me since we have been together. I am not as honest as I should be in our relationship.
We have had money problems pretty much since our marriage began. I have a spending problem, and I lie to her about where the money goes. I have been doing better, but I still want to spend money we do not have.
I do not spend money on drugs, prostitutes or clothes, but rather on plastic models and other hobby-related items. How do I stop spending and lying to my wife about it? -- SICK OF THE LYING IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR SICK: You start acting like a man instead of a child with his hand in the cookie jar. You recognize that marriage is a partnership and you have been, in a sense, stealing from your partner. Then you and she agree on a budget you can responsibly allocate to your hobby, and live within your means.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Nursing Degree Opens Doors to Unlimited Opportunities
DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed on Aug. 30 from that nurse who wants to change careers after only one year could have been written by me. I became a nurse in 2000. While I loved the intellectual stimulation and fulfillment of being a skilled and compassionate nurse, dealing with the "other nurses and the environment" was an entirely different matter.
There's a saying in nursing that "nurses like to eat their young." While it doesn't seem logical that experienced nurses would sabotage younger ones, it does happen -- more frequently than you might think.
I finally decided to change careers after only five years in the field. But then, I live in a small town. If I still lived in the large city I moved from three years ago, I'd have simply changed employers or gone into a different type of nursing. Unfortunately, there are no such options here.
More and more nurses are opting for career changes, Abby. It's a shame, too, considering the nursing shortage in our country. Your advice to "Susan in St. Louis" was right on. Living where she does, she's bound to find something better suited for her than where she is now -- or maybe she should switch to a different department in the same hospital. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN VIRGINIA
DEAR BTDT: With the shortage of skilled nurses in this country, your departure from the field is everybody's loss. Until I read your letter, I had never heard the expression "nurses eat their young." But it was echoed by a surprising number of nurses who responded to that letter. Like you, they wanted to remind "Susan" that other opportunities are available in this specialized and important field. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Susan in St. Louis" has many ways she can use her nursing training. If she likes hospital work, among the specialties she might try are: obstetrics, pediatrics, intensive care and dialysis. If she doesn't like hospital work, there is school nursing, which includes teaching, screening for various problems like scoliosis, as well as first aid. There is also industrial nursing, where you work for a private company.
In addition, there is research, writing for journals, flight nursing, IV therapy, case management, holistic, forensic, home health, nurse-anesthetist, nurse-practitioner, and many other options. Once you become a nurse, the world is your oyster. I know of few other careers that offer so much variety. -- VETERAN NURSE OF 24 YEARS
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Susan in St. Louis" that with just a little more training, she can use her skill as a nurse to help attorneys understand and read medical records. She will do the same job as a normal paralegal, but she'll be working mainly in medical malpractice and personal injury areas, reading medical records. -- LEGAL SECRETARY IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: There are unlimited opportunities for that young woman to apply her nursing/medical education to other careers. Plenty of drug and medical companies would welcome someone with nurse's training and experience for positions in clinical testing protocols, data review, on-site visits, customer support and interaction with medical professionals.
Many years ago, I graduated with a high school biology/science teaching degree, only to find after one year of teaching that I hated it. I have used my education to do something I could have never imagined: I have been successfully consulting to domestic and international medical device companies for more than 20 years. -- CAROLANN IN LILBURN, GA.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)