For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Receptionist Won't Let Woman Outgrow Nickname of Her Youth
DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old woman who was known by my nickname, "Pudge," while I was in high school because so many other girls had the same common name.
After high school, I went back to my given name, and I have carefully told all my old friends that, while my nickname was cute for a 15-year-old, it no longer suited me. Most of them have made the change out of respect for me.
What should I tell my doctor's receptionist, who did not know me before, but insists on using my nickname? I have told her I prefer my given name, but she refuses to use it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think she should address me as I introduced myself. I see this doctor four times a year, so I see her often. She also uses the nickname on mail sent to my home. The best she has ever done is to preface it with "Mrs." What should I do? -- NO NICKNAME, PLEASE
DEAR N.N.P.: Because you have already spoken to the receptionist, and your request has been ignored, your next step should be to address your complaint to the doctor. Tell him how annoying it is that she continues to address you by a nickname you'd prefer to forget, and even puts it on your mail. And be sure to let him know that you expect him to put a stop to it, because if he doesn't, you will take your business elsewhere. That should "cure" the problem.
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for five years to a wonderful man I met on the Internet. He moved here to Idaho after our marriage. (He's from Minnesota).
We have traveled by road or by plane four or five times over the last five years to Minnesota to visit his relatives. However, my in-laws have made only one attempt to come to visit us. My father-in-law has since passed away. We flew to Minnesota for his funeral.
We have attempted many times to coax my mother-in-law to come to Idaho to visit us and the four grandkids we have had over the last five years, but she claims she's afraid of flying. When we suggested taking a bus, she came up with another excuse.
We invited his mother to Idaho for Christmas and again she refused, saying e-mail, Internet photos and phone calls are enough for her. She is very involved with her friends, card games, weight-loss programs, Red Hat Society, etc. She is only 72 and healthy and wealthy.
I am very hurt that she makes no effort at all to see us. We can't afford to fly six of us there even once a year to visit. Have you any suggestions? I think she is being selfish, but don't know how to fix the problem, and my husband is very hurt by it. -- FORGOTTEN IN IDAHO
DEAR FORGOTTEN: You can't change another person; you can only change the way you react to that person. Your mother-in-law appears to be selfish and self-centered, but much as you would like to, you can't change her. Continue to send her cards, photos and updates on her grandchildren's progress. However, you and your husband will be less hurt and disappointed if you accept the fact that his mother is flawed, do not personalize it any further and go on with your lives. Trust me on that!
Gay Son Wanting to Adopt Is Puzzled by Parents' Opposition
DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old gay male who has always wanted to be a father. Last night I informed my parents about my decision to adopt a boy who is 7.
My parents reacted as if I'd walked in and told them that I had murdered someone. My mother said she was disgusted and became almost physically ill. My father was less dramatic but no less displeased.
I have no past history that would cause them to react this way, nor do I have any criminal past (or present) that would cause them to react so vehemently against adoption. I don't understand what their problem is.
I know they worry that the child will come with familial baggage and I'll be expected to support others -- or that any inheritance I receive will go "outside the family." However, my blood family ends with me, whether or not I adopt.
My parents are considerably older. Is there something I am not aware of from the World War II era that would cause my folks to be so opposed to adoption? I'd appreciate some advice as I navigate this difficult time. -- TAKEN ABACK IN GEORGIA
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Your mother could still believe the homophobic and mistaken notion that a gay man adopting a boy means he will molest the child. That would explain her extreme negative reaction to your good news.
My advice is to talk frankly with both of your parents and make sure they understand that according to an article published by the American Academy of Pediatrics back in 1994, "Most child abuse appears to be committed by situational child abusers who present themselves as HETEROSEXUALS." (The italics are mine.) Also, "Children raised in gay or lesbian households do not show any greater incidence of homosexuality or gender identity issues than other children."
Further, according to the American Psychological Association, "there is no evidence to suggest that lesbians or gay men are unfit to be parents or that psychosocial development among children of gay men and lesbians is compromised in any respect relevant to that among offspring of heterosexual parents. ... Indeed, the evidence to date suggests that home environments provided by gay and lesbian parents are as likely as those provided by heterosexual parents to SUPPORT and ENABLE children's psychosocial growth." (Italics are mine.)
Not knowing your parents, I don't know the basis of their beliefs. However, it might be helpful if you were to contact P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and get their literature to share with your parents. You can contact P-FLAG by going to www.pflag.org or writing to 1726 M Street N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.
Please don't put it off. While it's not impossible to teach an old dog new tricks, it can take time to broaden the horizons of people whose minds have been closed for half a century or more. My advice is to start ASAP. I wish you luck.
DEAR ABBY: When my father and I are in his car and he's taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, "BOO!" I have told him I don't like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it's funny, but I don't. Am I overreacting? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: No, you are not. Your father's behavior is inappropriate and a little sadistic. He shouldn't be touching you in a way that you have asked him not to. Tell your mother that he's making you uncomfortable, and if that doesn't end it, tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school.
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Man Who Ruins Pot Party Puts Girlfriend's Nose Out of Joint
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and my girlfriend, "Jody," is 19. The other day she was invited to a party at which she told me she intended to smoke marijuana. She knows I disapprove of drugs and alcohol. When I became upset, she told me to "lighten up."
I love Jody with all my heart and want nothing bad to happen to her, so I wrote an anonymous letter to her mother explaining the situation. Jody didn't get into trouble, but her brother did because he had marijuana on him at the time. Because I told her mother what was going to happen, nobody was able to do what they intended at the party.
Now they're all mad at me. I have been getting hate messages on my answering machine and via e-mail. Jody promised to call me before the party, but she didn't and went anyway.
I visited her at work and tried to talk with her, but she isn't speaking to me. I have apologized countless times, saying I didn't mean for anyone to get in trouble. I love her more than anything, but I don't feel any love in return. I am very shy, so I find it hard to talk to her. What can I do? -- HURTING IN IOWA
DEAR HURTING: You have done enough. It doesn't take a crystal ball to see that your relationship with Jody is over, at least for now. Please forgive me for being a "downer," but it's time to accept the fact that you and Jody are at different levels of maturity and heading down different paths. When and if this girl matures, she may realize the fine qualities you have to offer. But I have a feeling that by the time that happens, you'll be long gone and in love with someone whose values are more similar to your own.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 22 years and are happily child-free. We have always lived far from our relatives and see them only every three or four years.
At a recent gathering of my husband's siblings, his oldest sister (now a grandmother) was extremely aggressive in her insistence that we hold, kiss and interact with her 11-day-old grandchild (her latest). When we attempted to rebuff her with humor, saying, "Oh, we just don't do babies!" she became hostile and insulting. It made us both very uncomfortable.
Because of this, we are now considering skipping any future visits because her behavior will undoubtedly be repeated. I don't want bad blood in the family. However, I refuse to be treated with disrespect.
Should we confront the sister and let her know how her behavior made us feel? -- NO BABIES, PLEASE, MARLBOROUGH, MASS.
DEAR NO BABIES, PLEASE: Parents and grandparents can be blind to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with small children. Your sister-in-law regarded your reluctance to hold her grandchild as a personal rejection.
Please don't skip the next family reunion. With any luck, there won't be any new grandchildren to be forced on you. And if there are, smile and say, "I prefer babies at a distance, in the arms of their parents," and keep your hands at your sides.
DEAR ABBY: It's a well-known fact that I don't drive. However, no matter where I go, people ask me how I got there. I am a very private person and resent people asking me that question. I would like a good answer. Thank you. -- FRAN IN BUFFALO, N.Y.
DEAR FRAN: Smile and say, "The stork brought me."
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