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Gay Son Wanting to Adopt Is Puzzled by Parents' Opposition
DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old gay male who has always wanted to be a father. Last night I informed my parents about my decision to adopt a boy who is 7.
My parents reacted as if I'd walked in and told them that I had murdered someone. My mother said she was disgusted and became almost physically ill. My father was less dramatic but no less displeased.
I have no past history that would cause them to react this way, nor do I have any criminal past (or present) that would cause them to react so vehemently against adoption. I don't understand what their problem is.
I know they worry that the child will come with familial baggage and I'll be expected to support others -- or that any inheritance I receive will go "outside the family." However, my blood family ends with me, whether or not I adopt.
My parents are considerably older. Is there something I am not aware of from the World War II era that would cause my folks to be so opposed to adoption? I'd appreciate some advice as I navigate this difficult time. -- TAKEN ABACK IN GEORGIA
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Your mother could still believe the homophobic and mistaken notion that a gay man adopting a boy means he will molest the child. That would explain her extreme negative reaction to your good news.
My advice is to talk frankly with both of your parents and make sure they understand that according to an article published by the American Academy of Pediatrics back in 1994, "Most child abuse appears to be committed by situational child abusers who present themselves as HETEROSEXUALS." (The italics are mine.) Also, "Children raised in gay or lesbian households do not show any greater incidence of homosexuality or gender identity issues than other children."
Further, according to the American Psychological Association, "there is no evidence to suggest that lesbians or gay men are unfit to be parents or that psychosocial development among children of gay men and lesbians is compromised in any respect relevant to that among offspring of heterosexual parents. ... Indeed, the evidence to date suggests that home environments provided by gay and lesbian parents are as likely as those provided by heterosexual parents to SUPPORT and ENABLE children's psychosocial growth." (Italics are mine.)
Not knowing your parents, I don't know the basis of their beliefs. However, it might be helpful if you were to contact P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and get their literature to share with your parents. You can contact P-FLAG by going to www.pflag.org or writing to 1726 M Street N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.
Please don't put it off. While it's not impossible to teach an old dog new tricks, it can take time to broaden the horizons of people whose minds have been closed for half a century or more. My advice is to start ASAP. I wish you luck.
DEAR ABBY: When my father and I are in his car and he's taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, "BOO!" I have told him I don't like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it's funny, but I don't. Am I overreacting? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: No, you are not. Your father's behavior is inappropriate and a little sadistic. He shouldn't be touching you in a way that you have asked him not to. Tell your mother that he's making you uncomfortable, and if that doesn't end it, tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school.
Man Who Ruins Pot Party Puts Girlfriend's Nose Out of Joint
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and my girlfriend, "Jody," is 19. The other day she was invited to a party at which she told me she intended to smoke marijuana. She knows I disapprove of drugs and alcohol. When I became upset, she told me to "lighten up."
I love Jody with all my heart and want nothing bad to happen to her, so I wrote an anonymous letter to her mother explaining the situation. Jody didn't get into trouble, but her brother did because he had marijuana on him at the time. Because I told her mother what was going to happen, nobody was able to do what they intended at the party.
Now they're all mad at me. I have been getting hate messages on my answering machine and via e-mail. Jody promised to call me before the party, but she didn't and went anyway.
I visited her at work and tried to talk with her, but she isn't speaking to me. I have apologized countless times, saying I didn't mean for anyone to get in trouble. I love her more than anything, but I don't feel any love in return. I am very shy, so I find it hard to talk to her. What can I do? -- HURTING IN IOWA
DEAR HURTING: You have done enough. It doesn't take a crystal ball to see that your relationship with Jody is over, at least for now. Please forgive me for being a "downer," but it's time to accept the fact that you and Jody are at different levels of maturity and heading down different paths. When and if this girl matures, she may realize the fine qualities you have to offer. But I have a feeling that by the time that happens, you'll be long gone and in love with someone whose values are more similar to your own.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 22 years and are happily child-free. We have always lived far from our relatives and see them only every three or four years.
At a recent gathering of my husband's siblings, his oldest sister (now a grandmother) was extremely aggressive in her insistence that we hold, kiss and interact with her 11-day-old grandchild (her latest). When we attempted to rebuff her with humor, saying, "Oh, we just don't do babies!" she became hostile and insulting. It made us both very uncomfortable.
Because of this, we are now considering skipping any future visits because her behavior will undoubtedly be repeated. I don't want bad blood in the family. However, I refuse to be treated with disrespect.
Should we confront the sister and let her know how her behavior made us feel? -- NO BABIES, PLEASE, MARLBOROUGH, MASS.
DEAR NO BABIES, PLEASE: Parents and grandparents can be blind to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with small children. Your sister-in-law regarded your reluctance to hold her grandchild as a personal rejection.
Please don't skip the next family reunion. With any luck, there won't be any new grandchildren to be forced on you. And if there are, smile and say, "I prefer babies at a distance, in the arms of their parents," and keep your hands at your sides.
DEAR ABBY: It's a well-known fact that I don't drive. However, no matter where I go, people ask me how I got there. I am a very private person and resent people asking me that question. I would like a good answer. Thank you. -- FRAN IN BUFFALO, N.Y.
DEAR FRAN: Smile and say, "The stork brought me."
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Resisting Peer Pressure Saves Teens From 'Games' That Kill
DEAR ABBY: I turned 21 on the 11th of last month, and my friends wanted me to celebrate with "21 shots" of liquor. But after reading your columns about the 21 deadly birthday shots, I told them it was one tradition I wouldn't be trying.
Thank you for addressing this issue and printing the letters from the parents. I decided that my life is more important than impressing my friends. Your article was a sign from God to me. My thanks also to all the concerned parents who wrote to you. -- TARA IN CLINTON, MISS.
DEAR TARA: I'm pleased beyond words that the column helped you to make that wise decision. Too many young adults cave in to peer pressure and put their lives at risk when a "shot" of common sense would prevent it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The other night, my 19-year-old daughter, "Erin," told me about a "game" some teens are playing for kicks. She didn't seem to realize it could get her killed.
Abby, Erin jumped on the hood of a friend's truck and he took off as fast as he could. He was unaware that she didn't have her grip. When he slammed on the brakes, she went flying and landed on her back. She hit her head, scraped her back, backside and elbows, then hit her head again. She got up and nearly fainted, but no one bothered to call an ambulance or take her to the hospital.
Talking with people, I'm hearing that this game is not uncommon. I'm still shaken about how close I came to losing my daughter. Please, Abby, warn kids that these games are life-threatening, that burying a child or caring for one who is brain-damaged for life IS a big deal. -- STUNNED MOTHER, ESCONDIDO, CALIF.
DEAR MOTHER: I'm spreading the word in the hope that it will cause some of the risk-takers to wake up and realize that no one is invincible. However, strongly as I might stress that message, the following letter that arrived in the same batch as yours may be even more compelling. My advice to you is to do whatever you must to get your daughter away from the immature and irresponsible crowd she's hanging around with. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Last weekend, a 16-year-old young man was killed when he fell off a moving car while "body-surfing" on the roof of the vehicle. The police think the teenager had been lying on the roof of the car when he fell and struck his head on the pavement and a guard rail. The driver told police that his friend had seen "car-surfing" on an MTV show called "Jackass."
What a senseless waste of a life! That boy had his whole lifetime ahead of him. People should be educated in the laws of physics. If they were, perhaps a tragedy such as this one could have been averted. -- STEVE IN COOKEVILLE, TENN.
DEAR STEVE: My deepest sympathy goes to that boy's family. I'm sure that when he decided to repeat a stunt he saw on television, he had no clue it would cause his own death and his family a lifetime of heartbreak.
After reading your letter, I spoke with Roberto Peccei, Ph.D., vice chancellor for research at UCLA, who kindly explained that the law of physics you mentioned is the Law of Inertia. It means that unless you are secured to a moving object (i.e., a car), you will continue moving forward at the same speed the car was going if the driver slams on the brakes! That's why it's so important that passengers wear seat belts.
I only hope that any teen who sees this and is tempted to car-surf will think again.
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