For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Online Dating Opens Door to Danger for Teenage Girl
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. One of my best friends, "Emmy," has been doing something I think is very dangerous. She has been dating online with people she has never met. She told me she recently had gotten engaged. Abby, she's only 14!
Emmy doesn't have a ring because this supposed "fiance" lives in Michigan, whereas we live in Tennessee. I have tried to tell her she will get hurt, but she won't listen. She has actually gone to meet some of these people. But her parents and I go with her to make sure it isn't some pervert in his 50s.
I really don't know what to do that won't make her mad at me or cause me to lose a friend. Please help. -- WORRIED IN COTTONTOWN, TENN.
DEAR WORRIED: It appears you not only have more brains than your 14-year-old friend, but also more than her parents. Why they would tolerate, much less encourage, their daughter's online romantic liaisons boggles the mind.
If you want to be her friend, you have my blessing; she certainly needs one. However, please do not accompany her to any more of those meetings. The next person might not be a pervert in his 50s, but a couple of perverts in their 20s or 30s, and you could be putting yourself in danger.
DEAR ABBY: I was widowed two years ago, and I recently attended the wedding of my granddaughter. At the reception, the usual protocol took place -- including the bride tossing her bouquet over her shoulder.
When the announcement was made, I got up from the table to join the other single women, and my daughter-in-law (not the mother of the bride) motioned to me to come to her table. She was frowning and shaking her head "no."
I went over, and she told me in a scolding tone that it was "inappropriate" for me to join the younger women because I was actually considered a widow and not "single." She also told me that catching the bouquet was intended for people who had never been married, not people like me.
Abby, I am 65, young at heart, and attractive enough that people tell me I appear to be in my early 50s. I lead an active life, and date and square dance two or three times a week. I didn't join the others, but retreated back to my table.
What is your take on this? Was she right that I wasn't eligible? I certainly feel as though I'm single. And I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. -- TEXAS WIDOW
DEAR WIDOW: You had as much right as any of the other spouseless females to join the bouquet toss if you wished. Putting the best possible face on it, your daughter-in-law may have been concerned that you'd be injured by the younger, ostensibly more agile, women vying for the flowers. However, if she was really concerned about what was appropriate behavior, she would have realized that by preventing you from fully enjoying the celebration, she was committing a far worse breach of etiquette than anything you might have done.
DEAR ABBY: My birthday is Sept. 11. I was wondering if you have any advice on how to respond to clerks who often remark in a negative way whenever they see my birth date on my driver's license. It can be very depressing for me, and I dread having to show it for fear of a hurtful remark. -- BELINDA IN LAWTON, OKLA.
DEAR BELINDA: Say, "I'd rather dwell on the positive," and then change the subject.
Danger Posed by Secondhand Smoke Is Called Into Question
DEAR ABBY: In your response to a woman whose nicotine-addicted mother insists that smoking isn't harmful, you stated, "It's common knowledge that secondhand smoke is harmful."
I'm not a smoker, but there is no scientific evidence that I can find to support your statement. Do some research, and you'll find that "common knowledge" is junk science. Be objective and you will see there is no real "evidence" behind the claim.
Cigarette smoke is irritating to me. But the secondhand smoke thing is nonsense, and you should check all of the sources before giving advice -- not just the ones that promote the anti-smoking stance. -- NONSMOKER IN FLORIDA
DEAR NONSMOKER: Where on Earth did you do your research? According to an article in the Journal of the American Medical Association titled "Passive Smoking and the Risk of Heart Disease" (1992), "Secondhand smoke causes between 35,000 and 40,000 deaths from heart disease every year." That same year, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) stated that "3,000 otherwise healthy nonsmokers will die of lung cancer annually because of their exposure to secondhand smoke." That is why the EPA classified secondhand smoke as a Group A carcinogen, a substance that is known to cause human cancer. If you doubt this, please contact the Heart Association and the American Cancer Society. They'll be glad to clarify further. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I smoked literally all of my life. My mother smoked while she was pregnant with me, both of my parents smoked in the house while I was growing up, and, not surprisingly, I began smoking at 14. However, I tried to be considerate of those around me.
I agree with your statement that the daughter is going to have to look out for her children and herself. However, I disagree with your remark that she shouldn't grieve for her mother if she dies of lung cancer. Mine died at 58 from lung cancer, and I still grieve for her. -- EX-SMOKER, MESA, ARIZ.
DEAR EX-SMOKER: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. However, what I said was, "Don't grieve because she lived her life the way she wanted." I would say the same about someone who died engaging in a dangerous sport.
DEAR ABBY: You seem to think that daughter should sacrifice her relationship with her mother over smoking. If the daughter is that strict about it, I hope the mother leaves her entire estate to the American Cancer Society and never sees her daughter or grandkids again! -- MILDRED IN SUFFOLK, VA.
DEAR MILDRED: I did NOT say the daughter should "sacrifice her relationship with her mother." I said she should entertain her mother in her own, smoke-free home.
DEAR ABBY: As a member of a family of smokers, I'm an expert about passive smoke. With one sister dead and my daughter in a wheelchair, I am now caring for another sister who is on oxygen at night and part of the day. Smoking and passive smoke were the cause of many of their health problems. I am no longer tolerant of smokers. I have posted signs of "Oxygen in use" and "No smoking on premises," and no longer allow smoking in my home. -- "MEANIE" IN MIDLAND, TEXAS
DEAR MEANIE: I hope you prevail. Another reader described how her grandmother would remove her oxygen mask to take a drag on her cigarette because she couldn't kick the habit.
DEAR ABBY: I was a smoker. My wife died of cancer not related to smoking. During her confinement and treatment I spent a lot of time at a cancer research hospital and saw, firsthand, the horror stories played out daily in those places. I quit cold turkey, and it was the best move I ever made. -- LEARNED MY LESSON IN FLORIDA
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Plagiarizing Priest Gives No Comfort to Mourning Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My 81-year-old mother died suddenly, and as her oldest daughter, I was asked to give her eulogy. I was told by our church that I needed to submit my remarks to the priest beforehand, to make sure they were "appropriate."
At the funeral Mass, when the priest, who knew my mother only by sight, began his homily, he used the exact words and phrases from my own eulogy. I was, naturally, taken aback at his using my own heartfelt words, which I had labored over and rehearsed for two days. When it was time to speak, I was able to recover enough to reference "Father's" remarks earlier -- but it was extremely upsetting to suddenly hear my words coming out of his mouth. I could understand if he had wanted to coordinate his remarks with mine, but he outright stole them.
I feel that by requiring me to submit my eulogy in advance, the priest was provided with the "CliffsNotes" he needed to do his homily. I was also upset that he did not counsel my family, attend her wake or the interment.
When I returned to the funeral home to pick up the photographs of my mother, I discussed my feelings of profound disappointment with the funeral director. He told me it wasn't the first time he'd heard this complaint about this priest, and I should write the priest a letter.
On one hand, I feel my mother would be upset if I create a conflict with the parish. On the other, I wonder how many other grieving mourners will sit in a front pew during a funeral Mass, astounded when this priest pre-empts their eulogy. Should I write a letter to the priest or let it go? -- UPSET IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
DEAR UPSET: Your feelings are justified. The priest who plagiarized your eulogy was a thief. He stole your intellectual property to make himself look good at your expense, and he should be ashamed of his laziness. Clearly, however, he is not -- because according to the funeral director he has done it before, and he'll continue to do it unless held accountable.
By all means write a letter to the priest telling him how, rather than comforting you, his homily upset you. Then copy the bishop with the letter.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student who lives in a dorm. My problem is I live next door to a moocher. One time, "Ms. Moocher" came into my room and asked if she could unplug my TV and take it into her room to watch "The O.C." on it. Another time, she came waltzing in my room carrying my hairbrush, which she had taken without my permission.
Recently I returned from a weekend away to find that half my popcorn was gone. It turned out that Ms. Moocher had taken and eaten it.
She has my cell phone number and can easily call and ask me when she wants to borrow my things. I have no problem with sharing with her, but her taking my things without asking is just plain rude. I know I need to talk to her, but I don't know what to say because I have to co-exist with her for the rest of the year. Please help! -- FED UP IN ATHENS, GA.
DEAR FED UP: Unless you can find the backbone to face your neighbor and tell her firmly, "I do not want you taking my things without asking first," it's time to buy a lock for your dorm room door and use it when you're not there. Either way, Ms. Moocher will get the message.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)