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Schools Needs Parents' Help to Teach Special Children
DEAR ABBY: As a special education teacher, I have a request for parents of special education students. When you enroll your child at a new school, please inform the school that your child is a special education student.
Many parents follow the urging of their children and don't notify the new school, and this does a great disservice to their children. Schools face consequences for not identifying and servicing special education students correctly. If you and your child are adamant that he or she not be given the extra services for special education students, inform the school and provide documentation that you don't want these services for your child. Please do not leave your children to suffer the frustration of an incorrect educational placement. The schools will work with you and your child to find the best educational option for your child. -- SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER, OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR TEACHER: I can understand the reluctance of parents not wanting their children to be "labeled." I also understand that children can be cruel, and unwilling to accept children they perceive as "different."
However, the truth remains that not all children are able to learn in the same way. Some children need specialized help because of visual or auditory challenges in order to grasp and absorb their lessons. If they do not get it, they fall further and further behind, become the butt of ridicule among their classmates, become depressed and disruptive, and suffer from low self-esteem from which they may never recover.
I hope that parents of learning-disabled children will take your message to heart, and that your letter will convince them to do what is right for their children -- which, sadly, is often not the "easiest" thing to do.
DEAR ABBY: I am 21, and my sister "Callie" is 23. I'm having a problem with her boyfriend, "Jared." When he comes to our house, he constantly belittles me. He calls me names and makes degrading comments about my intelligence, my weight, and just about anything else you can think of.
Callie is present when Jared makes the majority of the comments, but says nothing. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I don't appreciate the way he speaks to me, and it has reached the point that I don't want to be in the same room with them.
I feel Callie should be the one to tell him he's out of line, but she refuses. She says I'm being "too sensitive," and I should accept Jared because he's a part of her life.
I don't feel I should have to force myself to be polite to someone who obviously has no consideration for my feelings. My family is planning a trip in a few weeks, and I know Callie will want to bring Jared. I don't want to go if he's going to be there, but I don't want to look like the bad guy. What's the best way to tell my family I won't be able to attend the outing this year? -- HURT IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR HURT: You should be entitled to be treated with respect while you're under your own roof. Your sister's boyfriend is a verbal abuser and a bully, and her self-esteem must be very low if she allows him to pick on you without protest.
Rather than telling your folks that you don't want to go on vacation if Jared is there, enlighten them about how he treats you and how it makes you feel. (He may be trying to make you so uncomfortable that you give him lots of alone time with your sister.) It goes without saying that if Jared can't act like a gentleman when he's at your house, he should not accompany your family on vacation.
Man Ready to Scrap Marriage After Wife Wrecks His Car
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, while I was moving my husband's treasured antique automobile, I got into a fender-bender. He is so upset he won't talk to me. He says he wants a divorce and I should move out of the house.
When I asked him why, he said, "You ruin everything. You make my life miserable, and I don't enjoy anything because of you."
He never said anything like this before, and I am devastated. When I try to apologize, he says, "I don't want to talk about it, just get out." Help me, please. -- DEVASTATED IN LITTLE ROCK
DEAR DEVASTATED: I hope that by the time this appears in print, your husband will have regained his sense of priorities and is acting like an adult again. I don't blame him for being upset that his favorite toy was damaged. However, he should be thanking his lucky stars that YOU weren't injured. It's far easier to replace a fender and a paint job than replace a life partner, which is what you are supposed to be.
Under no circumstances should you move out. If he wants to end the marriage, let HIM move. And the minute he is out the door, call a lawyer. There's an old saying, "He who moves first, loses." The lawyer will explain it to you.
DEAR ABBY: My partner, "Tim," and I have been together almost two years. He's an accountant -- a buttoned-down type of person who always has to make sure the I's are dotted and the T's are crossed, if you know what I mean. I, on the other hand, am an artist who prefers to live my life in broad brush strokes. My problem is that Tim cannot stop nit-picking and second-guessing everything I do. I love him, but it is really getting to me.
Is there a solution to this? I have reached the point that the next time he does it, I'm afraid we're going to come to blows. -- MR. "J" IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR MR. "J": Your "buttoned-down" partner behaves the way he does because he needs to feel he's in control. The nit-picking and second-guessing give him the upper hand, especially if it makes you redo whatever it was he criticized. It's an obnoxious trait, and I'm sure it is difficult to live with.
Before you "come to blows," however, the answer is for the two of you to get couples counseling, and the place to start is the nearest gay and lesbian center. Do it now -- before you say or do something you'll regret.
DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and have been divorced for four years. Hypothetically speaking, if I decide never to remarry (which is tempting), or if I remarry 20 years from now, what is my marital status between now and then?
I consider myself single, not divorced. If I'm still single when I'm 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- I'd hate to refer to myself as "divorced" and give anyone the idea that I was divorced recently. -- SYLVIA IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR SYLVIA: The term "divorced" means that the person was at one time married and the marriage was legally dissolved. This is true whether the divorce was final 20 minutes ago or 20 years ago. When a person's marriage ends in divorce, she is legally a divorcee -- and that includes you. To imply otherwise is dishonest.
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Big Fish in Little Pond Will Soon Be Swimming at Sea
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl in the sixth grade. At my school, the sixth-, seventh- and eighth-graders all have classes together.
Lately, I've noticed the eighth-graders seem to think they are better than us sixth-graders. They make a point of letting us know that they are bigger, cooler and more grown-up than we are.
I am fed up. They were sixth-graders once, too. How do I handle them? They are only two years older, but they seem to think they're practically adults and that we're only about 4. Please help. -- ANNOYED IN ASHLAND, ORE.
DEAR ANNOYED: My advice is to be patient and bide your time. Two catchphrases come to mind. They are, "Big fish in a small pond," and "Time wounds all heels."
Next fall, those snobbish eighth-graders will be headed for high school. No longer will they be the "most grown-up" students in school. On the contrary, they will be insignificant minnows in a much larger pool. They'll receive from the sophomores, juniors and seniors the same treatment they are giving you. Remember that when you're in the eighth grade and interacting with students in the lower grades. It's a lesson in humility.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married in a small, intimate ceremony and reception in 2004. We were living in a condominium complex and had become close friends with one of our neighbors and her boyfriend, so we invited them to our wedding. Afterward, I opened their card. It read: "We are happy to share your day with you, but we are strapped for money right now and can't afford a gift at this time. As soon as we're back on our feet, we'll make sure you get your wedding gift."
We are now invited to their wedding. We never did receive a gift from them, nor has it ever been mentioned. These neighbors have a history of being "cheap," so it's not the first time.
My husband and I are at odds. I think we should attend the wedding and buy them a nice gift. He says we should just give them a card with no gift. Or should we simply not attend at all? I know that wedding gifts are just that -- gifts. But I'd feel strange not giving them anything. I would also feel strange giving them anything under the circumstances. How should we handle this? -- MIFFED IN MONTANA
DEAR MIFFED: The rule of etiquette is: When someone attends a wedding, a gift is in order. Your former neighbors broke that rule, and it has affected the relationship. Please don't stoop to retaliation. The real question is whether you plan to attend or send your regrets -- and only you can answer that.
DEAR ABBY: When does a stepparent stop being a stepparent? My father passed away a few years ago, and I have been wondering ever since if my stepmother is still my stepmother. What happens if she remarries?
We do not have a warm relationship, but we do make contact on birthdays and holidays. We live in different states. -- JUST WONDERING IN GEORGIA
DEAR JUST WONDERING: I have always believed that what binds people together has more to do with what is in their hearts than official titles. If you are not close to the woman, it really doesn't matter if she's your "stepmother" or not. She's your dad's widow. Period.
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