Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a 22-year-old daughter who insists on wearing low-rise jeans. I have seen half her rear end at least five times, and I'm embarrassed for her. I have had to tell her every time. When I do, she acts mad at me for saying something. Last October, she squatted down to look in a box at a yard sale, and the poor elderly gentleman who was trying to assist her had quite a view. It was awful! I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture and blow it up to an 8-by-10 so she could see what everyone else is seeing. Believe me, this is no laughing matter.
This couldn't be the style -- to show off so much skin -- is it? Please, Abby, print this. Maybe my daughter will see your response. She says she doesn't care. How can that be? Where did I do wrong in rearing this one? -- BUMMED-OUT MOTHER, BRIGHTWOOD, VA.
DEAR MOTHER: You didn't go wrong; your daughter is a willing slave to fashion. It seems every generation has its own erogenous zone on display. Remember the lyric, "In olden days, a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking. Now Heaven knows, anything goes!" In the '60s it was the thigh. In the '90s it was exposed navels adorned with gold rings. Today the fashion industry appears to have turned us into a nation of "crack addicts." The trend will end only when God grants us the gift to see ourselves as others see us -- in other words, "hindsight."
DEAR ABBY: I have just had an upsetting experience. I walked into my local public library this morning to find a man angrily confronting one of the librarians. I don't eavesdrop, but there was no way to miss what he was saying because he was shouting.
Apparently, when it was his turn to be helped, he was on his cell phone and refused to hang up. She informed him that she would help the next person in line, and then help him when he had finished his conversation. Part of his problem, according to him, was that he was so involved with his cell phone call that he hadn't heard what the librarian said!
I don't feel that was the librarian's fault. I don't see why she and the other people in line should have been expected to wait for him to finish his call, and I certainly don't understand why he felt entitled to intimidate this woman. His anger upset me, and I wasn't even involved, so I can only imagine how she must have felt. She was visibly shaking after he left.
Isn't it time for some rules of conduct for cell phone use? -- COURTESY, PLEASE, IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR C.P.: It should not be necessary to have written rules of conduct for cell phone users. Common sense and basic good manners should apply. The librarian was within her rights to take the next person in line if the one in front of her was preoccupied. And if the man was belligerent and intimidating, she was also within her rights to have a security guard escort him out.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating this great-looking girl, "Marcy," for some time now. I'm completely attracted to her, except for one small thing. She has really bad shoulder acne.
We have discussed the issue, but we can't seem to determine the cause. Any suggestions? -- FRETTIN' IN FRESNO
DEAR FRETTIN': Absolutely. Marcy can resolve her problem by consulting a doctor who specializes in skin problems -- a dermatologist. Please encourage her to consult one.
Girl's Threats of Extortion Put Friendship in Jeopardy
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Tara." A few months ago, Tara gave me a puppy. She said it was for no reason other than "because we're such good friends," and she knew I had been thinking about getting one.
I told Tara that I wanted to get her a present, but she refused, saying she would not accept any of my charity. I let it go.
My birthday and Tara's are on the same day. That's how we became friends. I bought Tara a present. She did not give me one, although we usually exchange gifts. Instead, she demanded that I give her a laptop computer and several DVDs or give her back the dog!
Abby, I was astounded. I was even more astounded when Tara claimed she "knew" I had been into drugs and was a department store thief. She said if I didn't give her what she asked, she would tell my mother and the police.
I have never been into drugs. I don't steal. Should I give her what she wants? I don't want to go to jail. -- ASTOUNDED IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR ASTOUNDED: Do not return the puppy, and do not give in to her demands. However, DO cross Tara off your list of friends. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient. There are names for what this manipulative "friend" is attempting to do; the terms extortion and blackmail would apply. It's important you tell your mother what's going on immediately. Then inform Tara that the friendship is over and there are severe penalties for filing a false police report.
DEAR ABBY: My brother committed suicide four years ago. He had two children who are now in the fourth and sixth grades. Their mother has never told them the circumstances of their father's death.
When is it appropriate to tell children that a parent's death was due to suicide? Everyone who knew my brother knows how he died. I'm afraid someone will slip up and say something in front of them. I think it would be better if they heard it from their mother sooner rather than from a stranger years from now. What do you think? -- CONCERNED AUNT
DEAR CONCERNED: What makes you think the children have no idea of the circumstances surrounding their father's death? Little pitchers have big ears, and there was bound to be conversation about it when it happened. Even if an effort was made to protect the little ones, children are not stupid, nor do they operate in a vacuum. If conversation comes to a screeching halt when they enter a room, they know something is wrong.
They may not have talked to their mother about it because they're afraid they'll make her sad if they do. By all means, the mother should bring up the subject with them -- if only to ask them what they know about their father's death.
DEAR ABBY: I feel guilty about something and don't know if it is justified. A co-worker was recently fired. We had worked together on a daily basis, but were not especially close. I knew about the firing two weeks before it happened.
Another co-worker told me I should have warned him to help "soften the blow." I was afraid to say anything because I am in a senior management position. What's your opinion? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN KENTUCKY
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Had you leaked the news you would have betrayed a confidence, and it would have created tension in the office. If word of the impending termination had reached the employee, it could have resulted in retaliation against your employers. You did the right thing by remaining silent.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN'S ARDOR TURNS TO ABUSE AFTER MOVE AWAY FROM HOME
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and involved with a man who is younger than I am. When we started our relationship, he was awesome and very kind. Now, six months later, he has changed. He is always yelling at me and telling me what to do. When I do what he says, it's still not right, or good enough.
After we were together for one month, we moved back to my home in New Mexico, and that's when the problems started. At first, it was only name-calling. I have tried to break up with him, but he won't let me. He keeps me awake, and won't let me leave the room to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water until I agree to stay with him. He has even laid his hands on me at times.
He throws it in my face that he can't leave because he has nowhere to go since we're so far from his home. Abby, he's the one who wanted to come here. I'm afraid of him. I'm convinced he will seriously hurt me sooner or later. -- SCARED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR SCARED: So am I, because his abuse is escalating. Pick up the phone and call the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233. They will help you formulate an escape plan. Please do not wait -- do it today.
DEAR ABBY: A couple of nights ago, my husband, "Irving," and I went out to dinner with "Ray," a friend of his who was visiting from out of town. This morning, I stumbled upon an instant message Irving had left open on his computer between himself and Ray. I couldn't help but see the first sentence my hubby had written. He was commenting on the number of "hot, hot" women at the restaurant.
I know I shouldn't have, but I went on to read the message. I couldn't stop myself. It described one woman in particular whom he found attractive, a tall blonde two tables over, directly in his line of sight.
Abby, I was floored -- shocked! Irving has always told me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, but after reading his comments, I feel I've been lied to all along. I have no doubt that Irving has always been loving and faithful. But I'm upset and angry over this and wonder if I should say something or let it slide. Am I overreacting? Was this just man-talk and men being harmless? -- MAD ANYHOW IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MAD ANYHOW: There's an expression, "Boys will be boys," but in this case it was men acting like boys. Do not get mad -- just smile and say, "Irving, you left the window open and the cat is out of the bag." That should be revenge enough.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's cousin has a son, "Johnny," who is almost 6. Whenever we see Johnny, he jumps all over my husband and hits him. We believe Johnny is too old for that kind of behavior. My husband and Johnny's father repeatedly ask the boy to stop, but he usually pays no attention until he has been asked six or seven times. It has gotten to the point where we don't want to be around Johnny. What would you do in a situation like this? -- OUT OF IDEAS IN TACOMA
DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: Here is what I would do: avoid putting myself into situations where Johnny was present. And if my cousin asked why I didn't visit anymore, I wouldn't mince words in explaining the reason.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)