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Man's Collecting Bug Could Be Symptom of Mental Illness
DEAR ABBY: "Living Like a Hermit in California" complained about her husband's unusual collecting behavior. "He owns 24 cars," she wrote. "None of them run; they just sit and rot. He buys old airplanes although he doesn't know how to fly and they, too, sit rusting away. He also collects cardboard boxes and anything in bulk." You suggested she contact a lawyer and get her husband a psychiatric evaluation.
His hoarding sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder to me. I have depression and, during my worst times, I have voraciously collected metal washers. I found it soothing to have something to concentrate on besides my problems. The quality of my collection was a substitute for real accomplishment.
The fact that "Living's" husband is also withdrawn leads me to suspect that he has depression, OCD or a similar psychiatric problem. I got help for mine, and I feel much better. Her husband might never be normal, but a good place to start would be sympathy, patience and a caring doctor. -- OHIO HOARDER
DEAR OHIO: I advised "Living Like a Hermit in California" to consult a lawyer because she said her husband had moved them out of a house into a trailer and had spent all their assets on his "hobby." I agree that he may be mentally ill. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Living Like a Hermit" had a familiar ring. My neighbor exhibited similar behavior and was diagnosed with manic depression. When she was up, she collected; when she was down she withdrew from the world. Roger may be more than "eccentric"; he may suffer from a mental illness. -- BEEN THERE IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR BEEN THERE: That may be true, but I am not qualified to diagnose him.
DEAR ABBY: Tell that woman to get off her duff, learn more about her husband's collection and then get on eBay! There are people rebuilding old cars who have to order custom parts when none are available. And in California, the movie business is always looking for props.
One studio rented my former father-in-law's car while shooting a movie about the Kennedy assassination in Dallas. They asked for permission to paint the car black. He said, "Sure, as long as you paint it white again before you return it." And they did! -- NANCY IN HOUSTON
DEAR NANCY: I love your idea about turning her husband's "compulsion" into an income stream. They could use the money.
DEAR ABBY: "Living's" husband appears to have OCD. One of the manifestations of OCD can be saving things for the sake of saving them. And the tendency to avoid talking may possibly be a symptom of an autism spectrum disorder. These two disorders can coexist. I should know, as they run in our family.
There are therapies and medications that can help him. Please urge "Living" to educate herself about these disorders and try to get her husband evaluated. -- NANETTE IN HAWTHORNE, N.J.
DEAR NANETTE: Thank you for suggesting it. An excellent place to start would be NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, a grassroots, self-help organization that focuses on education, advocacy, research and support for people with mental illness and their families. Its Web site is: www.nami.org.
DEAR ABBY: "Lindsey" and I are co-workers. We have known each other nearly 10 years. We slept together on a recent business trip and I agreed to keep it between us. I didn't keep my promise and it got back to Lindsey.
She is terribly hurt, and sadly, I can't undo the wrong I've done. As a result, I have lost a friend and will always regret what I did.
Lindsey told me she had denied that anything happened between us to the person who approached her. She asked me to do the same and say that it was all a joke -- that I had made up the story about our being together.
I know I betrayed her trust after I promised her I wouldn't speak to anyone about it. I feel she's justified in her anger toward me and is right to have ended our friendship. But I don't think it's a good idea for me to compound the situation with a lie. I don't see how it would make things better. Should I grant her this favor? -- MR. BIG MOUTH IN BROOKLYN
DEAR MR. BIG: Yes, you should grant her this favor. There's an old saying: A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Considering the damage you have done to your friend's reputation by crowing, a little white lie is not too much to ask.
DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter is being married. Her mother is my ex-wife. My daughter wants me and my new wife to attend the wedding. Her mother says she will not attend if my wife is there. I should point out that my wife and I will be helping out financially. Her mother will be helping out only minimally.
Is it appropriate for my new wife to attend with me? Is my former wife out of line in threatening to ruin the wedding by not showing up? -- FATHER OF THE BRIDE IN ARIZONA
DEAR FATHER: If your current wife was the reason for your divorce, then your former wife's feelings are understandable. However, since your daughter has stated that she would like your new wife to attend, it is appropriate that she be there. One way you could solve this problem would be for you and your former wife to be seated as far apart as possible on this special day. I hope she will consider this compromise.
DEAR ABBY: I hired a cleaning lady who came well-recommended. At first I was pleased, as she did what needed to be done.
Now I have discovered that some nice pieces of jewelry are missing. She is the only person, other than my husband of 54 years, who has been in the upstairs of our home. I have no proof that she took these items of jewelry.
Should I talk to her about this, or should I just tell her I no longer need her? How should I handle this? -- MRS. B. IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR MRS. B.: By all means talk to your housekeeper. Explain that you can't find the missing jewelry. (Speaking from personal experience, I have put an object down while my mind was on something else -- particularly reading glasses, which often seem to mysteriously migrate.) Ask her if she can help you locate the missing pieces of jewelry. If they don't turn up, it's time to call the police and file a report.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
SUGGESTIONS FILL IN RESUME GAP FOR HIV-POSITIVE WOMAN
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Wants to Work in Milwaukee," who is HIV-positive, living on disability, and who asked how to explain the 10-year gap in her work history. Your response about her privacy was correct. However, as a person living with HIV, and an employment services director at Positive Resource Center (in San Francisco) for people with HIV, I can tell you that many interviewers would regard the "personal reasons" explanation as a red flag.
"Wants to Work" should contact both her local AIDS service organization and her local vocational rehabilitation service. She may need to update her job skills, and she may also need more information, preparation and support. She faces some big hurdles, but with guidance and support she can clear them.
The newly formed National Working Positive Coalition is bringing together the best information about effective services, education and research on HIV and employment. Your readers can find more general information at www.workingpositive.net. Individuals seeking specific advice may want to visit the Workplace forum of TheBody.com. -- MARK MISROCK, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL WORKING POSITIVE COALITION
DEAR MARK: Bless you for reaching out and offering such helpful resources to other HIV-positive readers who are ready to re-enter the workforce. Yours is one of several I received. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please advise "Wants to Work" (and others with a gap in work history, regardless of the reason) that an excellent way to re-enter the job market is to first begin working at a temporary agency. There are many opportunities in temping -- secretarial work, project management, accounting, technical writing and engineering, to name a few.
After staying home with my children for seven years, I found temping a great way to transition back into the job market. I also made wonderful business contacts who gave me excellent (and recent) references when I applied for my current job as an executive director of a nonprofit organization. -- WORKING WOMAN, NOBLESVILLE, IND.
DEAR WORKING WOMAN: Thank you for another practical suggestion.
DEAR ABBY: There are several ways that "Wants to Work" can include information in a resume without revealing that she has been out of the workforce for 10 years. She can find resume-writing books at most bookstores, and she should look for "functional" resumes. These documents focus on job skills, rather than the dates and types of positions held. This strategy allows writers to showcase their abilities, rather than their age or specific places of employment. -- ENGLISH TEACHER IN THE EAST
DEAR ENGLISH TEACHER: There are also businesses that help people create strong resumes.
DEAR ABBY: The dilemma faced by "Wants to Work" is not unusual in this day and age. She should contact her local AIDS services organization. There are advocates available to help people make the transition from being disabled to returning to work, and to go over the benefits, medical coverage, and how to make the transition without unnecessarily jeopardizing their coverage or health. -- TERRI IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TERRI: That's valuable information. The Social Security Administration also has booklets on returning to work after being disabled.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)