To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DAD'S RELEASE FROM PRISON IS A NIGHTMARE FOR HIS DAUGHTERS
DEAR ABBY: My dad went to prison in 1989 and was released last November. My sister and I were excited that Dad was coming home, but it has been a nightmare. He is manipulative, whiny and endlessly needy.
He moved in with my sister and she's going crazy. She asked me to take him, but after my husband saw the way Dad behaves, he flat out refused to have him in our home. I agree with him.
Dad keeps making excuses about why he can't live on his own. He claims he doesn't have the money, but then he goes out and buys all kinds of things for himself. He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and insists that things are everybody else's fault.
My sister feels too guilty to kick him out, and I am at the end of my rope. Dad won't go to counseling because he thinks he doesn't need it. Is this a case for tough love? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN WASHINGTON
DEAR NEEDS: The person who could benefit from counseling is your sister. Until she can emotionally distance herself from Dad, she will continue to be manipulated by his stance as a perpetual victim and his guilt trips. Once your sister has established boundaries, setting a date for Dad to be out of her home and insisting upon it are excellent ideas.
DEAR ABBY: Please advise other divorcees and me about proper funeral etiquette. Because I initiated the divorce from my ex-husband, my former in-laws no longer speak to me. Both of them are in failing health, so I am wondering if I should attend their funerals for the sake of my children, or stay away. I am willing to endure an awkward, hostile reception to support my children if you think my attendance would be appropriate. -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR WANTS: Funerals are for the living -- in this case that means your former husband, your surviving former in-law and your children. Since you are persona non grata, it might be best if your children attended the funeral with their father. If they need you to be there, then sit in the back and remain as inconspicuous as possible.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Pussyfooting in Nebraska," who gets too many jokes and other e-mails from her mother, I thought I'd offer up my solution.
Most of my e-mails go to my office account. However, I have set up a separate e-mail account specifically for my mother through a free service. Mother sends her e-mails to that account, and that's all that goes into it. Of course, it eventually gets filled up with jokes, etc., and whenever I get a chance (every month or so, or when she lets me know that it is full), I check it, and read and delete all of her e-mails.
I hope this is helpful for "Pussyfooting." -- FAITHFUL READER IN L.A.
DEAR FAITHFUL: That sounds like quite a project! However, for someone who doesn't want personal e-mails commingled with business correspondence, your solution may be just the ticket. Thank you for the suggestion.
Aunt Gets an Earful for Her Silence on Niece's Wedding
DEAR ABBY: My sister informed me that her daughter was pregnant and being married at the local courthouse. They live in Kansas. I live in Florida.
The day after the ceremony, my sister e-mailed me, expressing her anger that I did not acknowledge her daughter's "special day." Keep in mind that I have never known her kids, as we have lived so far apart all of their lives. Her other daughters have called me every name they can come up with, trying to make me feel bad for "forgetting" about the event. I don't feel I was obligated to do anything, especially when my sister announced it would be "parents only" at the ceremony.
Who's out of line here, in your opinion? -- DISTANT AUNT IN TITUSVILLE, FLA.
DEAR DISTANT AUNT: Since you weren't invited to the wedding, you had no obligation to send a gift. It would have been nice if you had marked the occasion with something -- a token gift. However, since you are now being "called every name they can come up with," I wouldn't blame you for going from distant aunt to an even more distant one.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old grandmother who had a colostomy a little over a year ago. It wasn't due to cancer or a life-threatening illness. It was due to lack of muscle control because of having children.
I care for my grandchildren two or three times a week, a 2-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. How do I explain this to a 4-year-old? I don't want to scare her. From the time she was able to walk she came into the bathroom with me, and now she's curious about why she can't anymore. Is there a way you can explain this to a child? Thanks for any advice you can give. -- GRANDMA IN BRISTOL, CONN.
DEAR GRANDMA: That you had a colostomy because of incontinence due to childbirth is too much information for a child your granddaughter's age. Simply tell her that she's not a baby anymore, and you would prefer privacy in the bathroom. Most adults do, and it should not require a detailed explanation.
However, if your granddaughter should happen to enter the bathroom unexpectedly and ask specific questions about what she has seen, a brief explanation that you are all right and that you just go to the bathroom a little differently than she does should suffice. As she gets older, appropriate information can be provided on a "need-to-know" basis.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are having a debate. I say you do not need to tip hairdressers if they rent their station and take 100 percent of the fees they charge. I say that tipping is only for people on commission. She disagrees.
I want to send my new hairdresser a tip if I'm wrong. -- "CURLY" IN CHESTERFIELD, MO.
DEAR CURLY: When in doubt, the wisest policy is to ask if tips are accepted. In many beauty salons, tips are welcomed even by the owner. For color, cuts and permanents, the usual amount is 15 to 20 percent. For a simple wash and set or blow-dry, it's 15 percent. In addition, regular customers give their hairdressers -- and manicurists -- gifts at Christmas. So haul out your wallet; your sister is right.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are raising our 4-year-old granddaughter, "Nicole." We've had her since she was a year old. Our daughter, "Terri," lives 1,800 miles away and has nothing to do with Nicole. The only time we hear from Terri is when she wants money.
Terri knows that our upstairs apartment is vacant and now she wants to move in. She's six months pregnant, has no job and no help from the father of the baby. If we allow her to move upstairs, not only will we be paying for the baby, but we'll be raising it, too, while she runs around all day and parties all night. (That's the reason we have Nicole.)
I have said "no" to her moving back here. She thinks I'm wrong, and so does my husband. When Terri came to visit last Christmas, all we did was fight because of her ways. If she doesn't get her way, she becomes very mean and says ugly things in front of Nicole. I'm sad to say this, but I'd rather not have Terri around as an example for the child. Am I wrong? Should I let her come home? -- TORN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TORN: No. For your own sake, as well as your granddaughter's, do not allow Terri to move in. Your daughter is an adult and should learn to act like one. If she lives under your roof, she will rule the roost, and your husband will continue to side with her. Unless you want to be an unpaid maid and baby sitter, stand your ground.
DEAR ABBY: I am 18. My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. During that time we have lived together, and we know each other inside and out.
When I told my mother months ago that we were getting married, she dismissed it. She said she didn't have the money to help out with a wedding. When we told her we had decided to go to a justice of the peace, she said she'd be gone camping that day.
I'd really like for my mother to be there. My father died when I was 8, and she's the only parent I have. I love her dearly and can't figure out why she wouldn't want to be there, because I'm her only child. What's your take on this, Abby? -- HURT AND CONFUSED IN OREGON
DEAR CONFUSED: That's a question you should be asking your mother. She may have concerns because you are marrying so young. Or she may not approve of your boyfriend. But you will never know the answer unless you ask your mother how she feels about your plans. Please don't wait to do it.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, who is now out of high school and about to go to college, has never had a job. She has turned in a couple of job applications, but it's been two years and she's still unemployed. Our parents are frustrated with her.
Every time I look at the classifieds for a job for her, she yells at me and tells me I'm exactly like our parents. How can I get her to find a job without making her angry? -- FRUSTRATED SISTER
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You cannot -- nor should you -- get your sister a job. It's clear she doesn't want one, and until she's motivated, she won't find one. Who is paying for her college education? Who is giving her spending money? Perhaps when the well runs dry, your sister will get her shovel and start digging.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)