For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TEENAGER THINKS BOYFRIEND'S RELIGION IS NOT HER WAY OF LIFE
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and my boyfriend, "Johnny," is 17. He will be going on a religious mission in two years. Johnny has proposed to me and wants us to be married in his church. For that to happen, we would both have to be his religion. My problem is, I don't know if his religion is right for me.
I love Johnny with all my heart, but we have very different outlooks on life, religion and raising a family. I respect him and his beliefs, but I am a very independent person and I don't think it's fair that I have to change everything about myself. I'm losing sleep over this.
I think that Johnny respects that I want to live life to the fullest, but he thinks his beliefs are more "right" than mine. He is also mad that my parents didn't raise me to be particularly religious -- although I have been baptized.
I don't want to hurt Johnny, but I don't think I could live the way he wants me to for the rest of my life. I want to go to college, get a good job and have a career before I start a family. If I marry Johnny, I'll be expected to stay home, be a homemaker and take care of the children.
Please, Abby, any advice you could offer would be appreciated. -- MADE FOR BETTER THINGS IN IDAHO
DEAR MADE: You appear to be a sensible young woman. Your concerns about your future are legitimate. The debate you are having with yourself is healthy and intelligent. Do not allow yourself to be stampeded into making a commitment. You and Johnny may love each other, but your value systems are polar opposites. Johnny should go on his mission and you should complete your education. After that, you will both be in a better position to judge whether you are meant to marry.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and her fifth husband, "Lester," have been planning their funeral arrangements, discussing burial vs. cremation, etc. Mom wants to be cremated. At first Lester said that was what he wanted, too. Then he changed his mind.
Lester was previously married for 42 years to a wonderful woman, "Agnes." He nursed her through her long last illness. Now he says he wants to be buried next to her.
Personally, I see nothing wrong with this. As far as I'm concerned, when people die they are gone. But Mom is making a huge deal out of it. She says that Lester will probably die first, and she doesn't think she should have to visit him if he's lying next to Agnes.
I feel that Mom is ruining the present over an uncertain future. Do you think she's justified? Or is she making yet another relationship mistake? -- DAUGHTER OF RELATIONSHIP DUNCE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DAUGHTER: If Lester and Agnes had children during their 42-year marriage, it's possible that the children would prefer their parents rest near each other. It's also within the realm of possibility that your mother could predecease Lester.
If your mother is smart, she'll refrain from turning her husband's remains into 206 bones of contention and concentrate on making this marriage as happy and stress-free as she can -- for both their sakes. When it's Lester's time to go, he should be free to rest in peace wherever he wishes.
MARRIAGE DIDN'T PUT A STOP TO JEALOUS MAN'S FEARS
DEAR ABBY: "Innocent and Faithful in L.A." told you that she has been in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend. Although she has been completely devoted to him for two years, he continues to accuse her of seeing other men because he has a "gut feeling" about it. She said he reads her e-mails, and she suspects he has hacked into her computer. She asked if there was "any hope" for their relationship.
You advised her to keep the relationship long-distance or end it. Oh, how I wish someone had given me that advice before I married my husband.
I felt that if we were married, he would finally be secure and not accuse me of seeing other men. After our wedding, it got worse. It got so bad I would cross the street to avoid speaking to a former classmate; I couldn't even go into the grocery store without him.
After 25 years of marriage, and his having at least two affairs, he finally left me for another woman. -- SYMPATHETIC IN HARRISONBURG, VA.
DEAR SYMPATHETIC: It may take counseling to help you recover from 25 years in emotional prison, but I'm glad to know that you're finally free. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can tell "Innocent" from firsthand experience that no, there isn't any hope. Nothing she can say will reassure him because his paranoia has nothing to do with her or her behavior; it has only to do with him. If she's smart, she'll dump him. -- BEEN THERE IN MONTREAL
DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree with you.
DEAR ABBY: Any time someone constantly accuses you of something (infidelity, lying, etc.) it is time to look into what THAT person may be doing. When we are constantly placed in the position of having to defend ourselves, we often don't take time to look into what the accuser may be doing. If "Innocent" were able to seriously look into his behavior, I'll bet she'd discover he's doing exactly what he's accusing her of. -- JANIE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR JANIE: You have insight. There's an old French saying that translates (roughly), "A man doesn't look behind the bedroom door unless he has hidden there himself."
DEAR ABBY: "Innocent" should run as far from that guy as she can. I once had a boyfriend who claimed that I treated everyone -- including my pets -- better than I treated him. He tried to tell me not to talk to my friends or my children's father. I drew the line when he told me I had to let his abusive cousin come to my apartment to visit.
When I told him to pack his things and get out, he hit me. It only happened once, because I stood up to him. I filed charges and he went to jail. That's when I found out that I wasn't the first. He had been arrested six times for abuse.
Please tell Miss "Innocent" from someone who's been there: Get away before he starts hitting you. -- STANDING TALL IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR STANDING TALL: You are lucky that you drew the line where you did. Some people are so insecure they cannot function unless they feel completely in control, regardless of how destructive that control may be to the object of their obsession. Once an emotional and verbal abuser becomes physical, it can escalate to homicide.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DAUGHTER'S BIZARRE APPETITE IS CONSTANT CAUSE FOR ALARM
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three -- ages 10, 9 and 6. My parents are both gone, so I can't ask them about a problem I am having with "Ashley," my 6-year-old. Since she learned to walk at about 10 months, Ashley has eaten just about anything she could get her hands on.
She prefers things like hairspray, makeup, cleaners, soaps, baby oil -- and has even tried bleach. I am scared that my child is going to do permanent damage to herself or even die. I watch her like a hawk; however, last night we were at a Daisy Girl Scout meeting, and Ashley went to the restroom and was caught spraying air freshener into her mouth.
I have called her pediatrician and left messages, but he has not returned my calls. I used to think she was just extremely curious; now I'm beginning to think she is obsessed and can't resist the urge.
Please advise me how I can save my beautiful little girl. -- ALARMED IN TOPEKA, KAN.
DEAR ALARMED: The first thing you should do is contact another pediatrician. Meanwhile, lock up the products that are a danger to her. Your daughter needs a medical evaluation, and you must ensure that she gets one as soon as possible. Her problem may be caused by some sort of nutritional deficiency, or she may have an emotional problem.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Milt," has a friend, "Jack," whom I find insufferable. He not only talks loudly and constantly, but he's an exaggerator and a know-it-all.
I respect Milt's choice to be friends with Jack, but when he comes to visit I quietly disappear into other parts of the house and avoid his company. Milt told him I am like this with all his friends. He said it to spare Jack's feelings. I do not run and hide from any of Milt's other friends.
My daughter says I'm being rude to Jack. Is she right? I swear, Abby, after five minutes of listening to him talk, I want to pull my hair out and run screaming from the room. Must I sit there and endure it for my husband's sake? Milt thinks it's funny, but my daughter thinks my behavior is wrong. Who's right? -- PEACE LOVER IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR PEACE LOVER: It appears that Jack doesn't want company; he craves an audience. Since your husband and daughter enjoy him, let them continue to do the entertaining. I see no reason why you should be hostage to a boor who dominates the conversation to the point that you're ready to scream. Continue to make your exit quiet and unobtrusive.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question about birthday etiquette. When there's leftover birthday cake from a party, isn't it true that the honoree should be allowed to take it home, or does the remainder belong to the person who paid for the cake? -- BIRTHDAY GIRL
DEAR BIRTHDAY GIRL: The leftover cake should go home with the birthday girl, if she wants it. However, if the generous person who paid for it would like some, the birthday girl should be willing to share it. Consider this: Your hostess may have wanted to be sure you didn't eat your cake and have it, too. (On your hips, I mean.)
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