To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Marriage That Started on Rocky Road Is Now Headed Downhill
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ollie," and I are in our late 40s and have been married 25 years. The first five were rocky, but we made it work -- and then the children came along.
Ollie has become so controlling I can hardly breathe. I work 55 hours a week. My only extravagance is buying coffee and a snack and lunch at work a couple of times a week. Ollie demands to know where every penny goes and what I'm "wasting" it on.
Abby, I don't do drugs or gamble, and I'm not a shopaholic. But grocery and household costs have risen. Ollie does none of the shopping, refuses to go with me, and denies that prices have gone up. We are not destitute. He has his own business. I am emotionally drained. He refuses to go to counseling.
The moment I get home in the evening, he starts berating me. Our kids are in high school and usually scatter when he starts yelling. He isn't hitting me, but I feel beaten emotionally. I get a lump in my throat and my chest constricts when I try to figure out what to do. Can verbal abusers become physical abusers? I find myself working longer hours so I don't have to come home, but I'm afraid he'll start on the kids if I'm not there. Should I see a lawyer? Without outside intervention, how can we survive? -- TIRED OF THE BATTLE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR TIRED: Yes, verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse. The stress is taking its toll on you. If it continues, Ollie will survive, but you may not. You feel "beaten" because, emotionally, that's exactly what's happening. You deserve better, but the only person who can make it stop is you.
Your husband will not be thrilled when you finally stand up for yourself, so be prepared. Make a list of his bank accounts, assets, Social Security and driver's license numbers. Then consult an attorney who specializes in family law. Once Ollie has been put on notice that the marriage is over if he isn't willing to get help for his problem, he may be more receptive to counseling. And at that point, you'll have to decide whether you and the children are better off with him or without him.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a baby shower for an acquaintance. As she opened her gifts, a girlfriend sitting next to her wrote down the name of the gift-giver and the item on a sheet of paper. At the same time, this friend was also penning thank-you notes to each giver! At the end of the shower, the mommy-to-be signed each note, "Love, 'X'" -- and handed them to each giver.
How should a person react to something like that? My first reaction was that this woman should receive no more of my time, since my attendance and my gift were not worth a personal thank-you note and a 37-cent stamp. -- CONFUSED IN TROY, MICH.
DEAR CONFUSED: Could the honoree be functionally illiterate? If that's the case, you should not have been offended. If she's not, however, it's clear the mommy-to-be is socially ignorant, and I'm sure you weren't the only guest who was offended.
DEAR ABBY: Like any other little girl, I have dreamed about my perfect wedding. But now that my boyfriend and I have begun discussing marriage, I realize that I have nobody to fill the spot of maid of honor.
Would it be all right if I asked my older sister (who is already married and is my best friend) to be maid of honor? -- WANTS SOMETHING TRADITIONAL
DEAR WANTS: By all means ask her. It's an honor, and I'm sure she will appreciate it. However, since your sister is married, her title will be "matron of honor."
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ned," lost his mother suddenly at the age of 54. Her wishes were to be cremated and have her cremains scattered in the Arizona desert. It hasn't happened yet.
Her cremains started out on the bookcase headboard of our bed. I finally moved them to the living room in front of the fireplace. One day, I returned home from work and, once again, the cremains had been put back in our bedroom -- this time on the nightstand next to our bed.
Abby, our 10-year-old son was extremely close to his grandmother. They adored each other. To this day, he talks to the urn as if it is his grandmother. In addition, the cremains did not all fit into the urn, so a second box was sent along with the urn. With time, the box has separated and started to leak.
I think it's unhealthy to continue to have the cremains in the house, and I also feel it's disrespectful to my mother-in-law. How can you be firm and loving at the same time? How should I bring this up without putting my foot in my mouth? -- WOEFUL IN INDIANA
DEAR WOEFUL: It appears your husband is having a difficult time letting go. I recommend you sweep up the cremains that have leaked out of the box and place them in a baggie. When your husband is in a relaxed, and hopefully receptive, mood give it to him and tell him that his mother had asked that her cremains be scattered in Arizona -- not the bedroom. If he can't bring himself to do that, perhaps he would compromise by agreeing to keep them elsewhere than your bedroom. Your having moved them should have been hint enough that their presence made you uncomfortable.
It is not unheard of for survivors to keep the cremains of loved ones with them -- and the subject has appeared before in my column. However, since it makes you uncomfortable, you should not have to sleep with his mother.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon. My sister, "Alice," promised to help me with the last-minute details. However, yesterday Alice called to inform me -- with regrets -- that she'll be on vacation with her husband at the time my wedding is scheduled, so she won't be able to help me after all. I am upset to say the least. I have no bridesmaids to help me, and I was counting on her.
Alice is very sensitive, so I'm afraid to say anything to her. Am I wrong to be upset? What should I tell my friends when they ask about her? Is there anything I can say to my sister or my guests that will go over well? -- HURT IN HOUSTON
DEAR HURT: Tell your "sensitive" sister that you are disappointed that she won't be there to share your happiness (it's the truth), and that she'll be missed (it's also true because her absence will be noticed), and that you'll manage without her (because you will).
Then ask a couple of close friends to help you. If the "last-minute details" are shared, they shouldn't be too much of a burden for anyone. Should your guests inquire about your sister's whereabouts, be truthful and let them draw their own conclusions. Her failure to attend is not a reflection on you.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Husband Resents Sharing Wife's Time With Her Sons
DEAR ABBY: "Unwilling Stepmother in New Mexico" told you she "can't stand" her fiance's 3-year-old daughter and knows she will be forced to care for the child because the mother doesn't want her.
"Unwilling" should do all three of them a huge favor and end the relationship. I married a man two years ago, when my sons were 19 and 21. He had no children of his own and assured me he would accept mine unconditionally.
Now I am constantly berated for not "putting him first" or consulting him each and every time I want to spend time with my sons or help them. I'm heartsick that I didn't see this before I married him. He has since told me that he "thought" he could handle it, but I really believe he thought he could make me choose him over my children.
If "Unwilling" has any doubts, she should not go through with the marriage. I am seriously contemplating divorce because I see no other option. -- FOOLED IN TEXAS
DEAR FOOLED: I advised "Unwilling" that unless she can accept her fiance and his daughter as a package deal and learn to love the little girl, that marriage would be a disservice to all of them. Thank you for adding the voice of experience. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Unwilling Stepmother" seems to be more like a child than an adult. When she became serious with her fiance, how could she not realize that his little girl would be a big part of her life?
"Unwilling" needs serious family counseling, or to get out of there. She also seems to have no clue about child development. Most 3-year-olds have a very self-centered view of life. They must be lovingly taught to become giving as they grow.
I married a man with two children eight years ago. As part of our marriage vows, I promised to love his children as my own. It wasn't easy, but today I am reaping the rewards of having two wonderful stepchildren and one biological child. I became very ill after the baby was born, and who do you think was always there to help? Yes -- both of my stepchildren. I love them as my own and could not imagine life without them.
"Unwilling Stepmother" is missing the best chance of her life to really care and to make a difference in that child's life. -- DISGUSTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DISGUSTED: You have made some excellent points in your letter. However, for family counseling to work, all parties have to be honest with each other and willing to compromise. "Unwilling" would be the little one's primary caregiver -- and her mind seemed pretty well made up. Her question was whether she should level with her fiance about her feelings and tell him she's leaving -- or wait for him to figure out how she felt and give her her walking papers.
FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:
There was a young girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section and all.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)