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Therapist's Query About Sex Causes Teen High Anxiety
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a psychologist for three years about anxiety and the trauma of my parents' divorce. Every session has been about how school is and whatnot. About a year ago, I had my first real relationship. We are still involved.
In a recent session, my psychologist asked me how my sex life is. Mind you, I'm only 18. I felt very embarrassed and told him it was none of his business.
Was this appropriate, or do you think he was coming on to me? I look back and realize the position I was in if he was making advances. There is no receptionist in the office -- only he and I in the whole place. I'm concerned about going back. Can you give me some insight? -- CONCERNED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CONCERNED: Considering the fact that you have been in an exclusive relationship for about a year, I'd say the question was legitimate. After three years of therapy, I would assume that by now you had established enough trust to confide just about anything.
Your therapist needs to know that you felt his question was out of line and made you uncomfortable. So, consider telling him that you might feel more at ease if he referred you to a female therapist. Also, your sessions should have gone far beyond making small talk about "school and whatnot."
DEAR ABBY: Some friends and I gather for dinner and fellowship about twice a month. The problem is, one woman is a very finicky eater, and she turns up her nose when something is served and makes comments like, "That doesn't even look good -- what's in it?" The one we have heard all too often is, "That doesn't even sound good."
Most of the time we try to please her by preparing something she likes, like hot dogs or fried chicken. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Would it be rude to prepare something scrumptious like coconut shrimp with orange sauce knowing that she won't eat it, but everyone else will, and tell her there are hot dogs in the fridge and buns in the breadbox and to just help herself? -- HAD IT IN NASHVILLE
DEAR HAD IT: No more rude than what she's doing to you. The alternative would be to tell her in advance what you will be serving so she can opt out or bring her own food if she chooses.
P.S. What's your address? If I'm in the neighborhood, I'd love to sample the cuisine.
DEAR ABBY: Our son and his wife keep a cold beer in the refrigerator for their 8-month-old baby. They routinely give him "sips." To me, this is abuse and a danger to our grandson. To add to my dismay, there is alcoholism on both sides of the family.
They are determined not to listen to me. Also, they are both heavy drinkers, so there could be some denial here. What more can be done? Any suggestions? -- WORRIED GRANDMA
DEAR WORRIED GRANDMA: Since you have spoken to your son and daughter-in-law and they have chosen to ignore your legitimate concerns, report them to child protective services. Feeding alcohol to small children can create dependency and result in lifelong problems.
Persistent High School Stalker Won't Take No for an Answer
DEAR ABBY: My family is dealing with a concern similar to "Trapped in Louisville." My teenage son is dating a lovely girl who attends a neighboring high school. She is being harassed by a boy who attends her school, rides her bus and lives in her neighborhood. I'll call him "Willy."
Willy has refused to honor repeated requests by the young lady to leave her alone. He makes unwanted advances toward her at school, follows her home and trespasses on her property.
The young lady's mother is not around during the daytime, due to her career. Her father is away defending our country. If my son becomes involved, I'm afraid there could be violence. I don't know what to do.
There are no witnesses willing to get involved. How do we get solid proof so Willy will not cause her harm? Who can we tell so that this will stop? We don't want to make this problem worse than it already is. Willy has threatened retribution if he gets into trouble over this. -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GA.
DEAR CONCERNED: It is time for the young lady's mother to pick up the phone and inform the police that her daughter is being stalked and threatened. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Trapped in Louisville" with mounting alarm and a horrible sense of deja vu. She's the high school girl being stalked by a classmate who calls her once or twice every hour. When her family got call blocking, he bought a cell phone and continued to call. Now he does it from the homes of his friends.
Abby, I am a university professor in a small coastal town. Our university is still in shock from the kidnapping, beating, rape and murder of a sophomore student in her dormitory. The student who admitted the crime had been pestering the girl for dates, despite repeated rebuffs. After he killed her, he called her parents and said, "I've murdered your daughter."
During the police investigation, the girl's father said, "There was a boy who was stalking her, but we thought that had gone by the wayside."
I disagree with your advice that "Trapped" should speak up to her stalker or have her parents call his. They should go straight to law enforcement NOW.
Although the girl fears her stalker will call her a racist, this has nothing to do with race. Her family should not try to handle the situation on their own. -- CONCERNED EDUCATOR, UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONCERNED: I stand corrected. My deepest sympathy goes to the family of that unfortunate woman.
Readers, there are laws against stalking in all 50 states and Washington, D.C. There are also laws against stalking at the federal level. Stalking is abusive, anti-social, sick behavior. It is not a compliment to the victim, and it is not benign. Stalkers are addicts, and the substance to which they are addicted is their prey. That is why stalkers should be considered dangerous and the police should be notified when stalking occurs.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Tale of Child Abuse Leaves New Friend at Loss for Words
DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday I attended church as usual. After the service, another woman and I started talking and the next thing I knew, we were having lunch together.
Over lunch, the other woman told me about her life. She said that as a child she had been molested by her father and when she refused his sexual advances, he started to malign her socially, emotionally and mentally. She no longer lives in the same town with him.
I have no experience or training as a relationship counselor, and found my tongue tied over her story. What should I have said to her? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: The proper response would have been to acknowledge that her youth had been very difficult, but that she's a survivor and you're glad she got away from her abuser.
It is unusual for someone to reveal that much to a stranger, and had the woman confided in me I would have asked if she'd had counseling to help her deal with it. If the answer was no, I'd have recommended she get it so she could lay her past to rest.
DEAR ABBY: I desperately need some guidance because I'm afraid I'm putting myself in grave danger.
I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a boy I hardly knew. I am now 20 and off to college, and I have literally lost count of the number of men I have had sex with. Only a handful of them have actually been boyfriends. I always feel horrible and used after sex, not to mention that I am constantly worried about STDs and pregnancy since I never use protection. Yet I can't stop being promiscuous, and I can't settle down with any one person. My self-worth has disintegrated, and sex has become meaningless to me.
Abby, please set me straight. I'm so lost and don't know who to confide in. -- SCARED AND ASHAMED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR SCARED: Thank you for trusting me with your problem. When you get to school, check in with the student health center. You need to be examined -- and treated, if necessary -- for STDs. You also need to talk to a mental health professional to understand what has been driving your sexually compulsive behavior. (Often the reasons have nothing to do with sexual desire.) You are right that your behavior could have serious consequences, physically and emotionally. So please make getting professional help your first priority.
DEAR ABBY: I met a girl at school who isn't the prettiest girl I've ever seen, but she's one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I really like her, but I'm scared to tell her how I feel. Would you please give me some advice on how to approach her? -- CONFUSED IN MARYLAND
DEAR CONFUSED: The best way to "approach" someone is to simply show an interest. Say hello when you see her. If you share a class together, offer to study together. If there is an athletic event, a school play or a party, ask if she plans to attend, or would like to sit with you. You don't have to declare undying love -- just be friendly.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)