To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Long Distance Relationship Takes a Sudden Turn South
DEAR ABBY: I met a man on a business trip recently. I'll call him Ray. We spent a little over a week together and had a wonderful time. After I returned home, we decided we'd try a long-distance "whatever." (It was never defined.)
The following weekend I paid to fly Ray here, and it was great. It seemed like things were heating up. Two weeks later I arranged a weekend getaway for Ray, myself, his son and the son's friend. Again, I paid for everything. Another co-worker had relocated there and joined us. We went to a sporting event, and when we reached the ticket window, Ray said he had only enough money to pay for himself and the kids. Naturally, I paid for my own admission. My co-worker said, "I can't believe you put up with him!" I ignored the comment.
When I got home, Ray told me he didn't like it when I said, "I miss you" -- so I stopped. The next day, he said he just wanted to be friends. (No problem.)
Last night, while we were online he switched screen names. I made a comment, kiddingly, "Trying to hide from me? (lol)" He went nuts! He sent an instant message that this is why he doesn't date, and if I want "secrets," then he'll keep a bunch of them. When I tried to respond, I found he had blocked my messages.
I am crushed. I feel like I have been taken for a ride. Don't you agree that I at least deserve some explanation? What would you do in a situation like this? -- STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO MEN
DEAR "STUPID": For openers, I'd erase his e-mail address from my computer. Then I'd take a long, hard look at what had happened since I met the man. Once you decided you liked him, you went overboard. You made all the arrangements. You paid for everything. When he backed off, you didn't.
I don't know whether or not he was trying to avoid you when he switched his screen name, but you may have hit the nail on the head. Next time, be less aggressive. Let the man do some of the pursuing. When something comes too easily, it often isn't valued.
DEAR ABBY: We are invited to a renewing of the wedding vows of a couple who have been married for 10 years. (They're a young couple in their early 30s.)
We are trying to figure out if we have to give them another gift, since we gave them one when they were first married. Please help us out. -- BAFFLED IN BROOKLYN
DEAR BAFFLED: Call the couple and ask if (and where) they are registered. This will give them the chance to tell you whether or not gifts are expected.
A "renewal of vows" could be considered a fancy anniversary party, and if you attend, you should mark the occasion with some sort of gift. It doesn't have to be expensive -- it could be a photograph of you and the couple with a short paragraph sharing a happy memory; something associated with their hobbies or interests; or a tree or plant for their yard.
Woman Ready to Make Waves About Uninvited Guests in Pool
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a small community of fewer than 200 people. We installed a swimming pool in our back yard and made the mistake of allowing neighbors to come over to swim.
I recently started a home-based business, and one of my neighbors refuses to understand that I have to work. Even in the winter she comes over and sits on our yard furniture, waiting for me to come out and talk to her. In the summer, she comes unannounced and either sunbathes in our yard or swims in our pool. One day she caught my poor husband on the deck tanning in his birthday suit.
We have asked people to call before coming, but some of our neighbors have come to swim and left their kids there -- as though I am expected to baby-sit for them.
Have you anything I could laminate and post in my back yard that will remind my neighbors about observing common courtesy and not coming over unannounced? -- DESPERATE IN KANSAS
DEAR DESPERATE: There's an old saying, if folks take advantage of you once, shame on them; if they take advantage of you twice, shame on YOU.
You can put a stop to the drop-ins by becoming assertive. The next time you find your yard populated with uninvited guests, go outside and tell them, "I'm sorry, but today isn't a good day for me to have people use the pool. Next time, please call before coming over."
Some pool owners have solved the problem by installing a flagpole in their yards and raising a "welcome flag" when guests are invited to swim. Others post signs next to the pool area, stating that the pool is open to guests from ( ) to ( ) on specified days and that children must be supervised by parents at all times.
It is extremely important that you be properly insured because should someone be injured on your property, you would be liable -- so call your insurance agent and make certain your homeowner's insurance is current and adequate. Good luck.
P.S. Have you considered putting in a fence with a locked gate?
DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have two children, a son, age 7, and a daughter, age 5. Every day when my son leaves for work, he drops his son off at school.
Before they leave the house, he takes his daughter to the bathroom and then she is locked in her bedroom until her mother gets out of bed.
I have tried telling them that this isn't right. To me, it is very dangerous -- and probably illegal -- to leave a young child locked in a room unattended. I also worry that it may cause psychological damage. Could you please give me some words that I can pass along to them? They refuse to take me seriously. -- SLEEPING BEAUTY'S MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: It would be interesting to know how long and why your daughter-in-law stays in bed in the mornings. Could she be depressed? Substance-addicted? It is her responsibility to care for and supervise her daughter -- not (literally) lie down on the job until it's convenient.
Since your son and daughter-in-law are deaf to your concerns, please inform child protective services. I, too, am worried about the psychological implications for your grandchild.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
PET LOVER'S TABLE MANNERS ARE STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS
DEAR ABBY: I recently met a lady I'll call Gloria. We have been spending time together and enjoy each other's company.
Last week, she invited me to her home for dinner. While I was eating, she excused herself from the table and returned a few minutes later with her pet cockatiel, "Bogart," on her shoulder. After she sat down, she placed a morsel of food in her hand and lifted it to her shoulder so Bogart could eat.
Next, she put some food in her mouth, and with the bird still on her shoulder, exposed the tip of her tongue (which had another morsel of food on it), and proceeded to let Bogart peck the food off her tongue. Finally, she craned her neck toward the bird as if delivering a passionate kiss, while Bogart inserted his beak between Gloria's lips and withdrew a shred of food.
I enjoy Gloria's company very much, but we are only at the beginning of a relationship. Abby, does being a pet lover have any bearing on what is appropriate at the dinner table? And what are the health implications of intimate contact with one's bird?
I have had pets in the past that I loved. But they never sat at my table, nor did they insert any part of themselves into my mouth to retrieve snacks of any kind. Was what Gloria did acceptable behavior at the table? -- NAUSEATED IN OLDE VIRGINNY
DEAR NAUSEATED: Hardly! However, putting aside her lack of basic table manners, I have a "tidbit" for you: This is a basic hygiene issue -- meaning there are health concerns for both Gloria and her pet. My veterinary expert, Dr. Erwin David, tells me that the oral cavities of both birds and humans are teeming with bacteria. Both Gloria and Bogart could catch something potentially harmful from each other.
You have now had a taste of what life will be like if your relationship progresses. Do not kiss Gloria unless she first gargles with a mouthwash that kills germs on contact.
DEAR ABBY: I lost my virginity about a month ago. My mother and I have always been close, and I have been able to tell her anything. But this time I'm not sure I can. What if I see hurt and disappointment in her eyes when I say it?
My mother got pregnant young, and she has always told me she doesn't want that life for me. So, Abby, do I tell her or not? I hate lying to her and I hate keeping things from her. Please help! -- "DAISY" IN LAS CRUCES, N.M.
DEAR "DAISY": It is important for a number of reasons that you tell your mother. She may be hurt and disappointed, but she will also understand. It is important that you be examined by a doctor and learn how to protect yourself from becoming pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted disease. It is even more important that you learn how not to be pressured into having sex. Your mother can help you with these things because she learned the hard way. So level with her NOW.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)