To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
TEEN WHO OUTGROWS SHELTER SEARCHES FOR NEW DIRECTION
DEAR ABBY: A year ago I was placed in an emergency shelter for seven months, until I graduated from high school. I turned 18 three weeks ago. Because of state guidelines, I was forced to leave the shelter and went to a foster home for a week.
The shelter has a policy that there be no contact between the staff and clients for 18 months, but I was allowed to call there. Last week, I got a call from the director of the shelter, saying I "needed to stop calling and move on with my life." My problem is, before I went there I had no positive support or role models, and now, when something good happens, I want to call and talk to one of them because I got real close to them.
Do you have any advice on how to move on with my life? -- LOST IN ALABAMA
DEAR LOST: It is unconscionable that children are dumped from the system with no skills, no one to confide in, and no one to mentor them.
Contact the foster youth program in your state. Ask to speak to a social worker and inquire about transitional counseling and support. You should also contact the YWCA and see if they provide mentoring. You have reached a point where you must decide where you want to go in life. Have you considered a vocational school or college? Their financial offices can provide suggestions about part-time employment while you're completing your education. Once you're enrolled, you'll meet other young people with positive goals and make friends.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in the fall and have asked my niece to be the only musician and play her violin in my wedding. She agreed to do it as a gift to me.
I want her to purchase a bridesmaid's dress and shoes (together about $220) so she'll match the bridesmaids, as she'll be in the front of the church. Her family refuses to buy the dress or shoes. This has upset me and my family and caused a lot of tension.
It is my wedding, and I feel they should accommodate my wishes. Don't you agree? -- HURT IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HURT: Not necessarily. Two hundred and twenty dollars may not seem like much to you, but it may be to your niece. So be prepared to pony up the money and pay for her outfit if you're determined that she match the bridesmaids.
Look at it this way: You're getting a live musician at no cost. Consider the costume your gift to HER for participating in your dream wedding.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old high school student. My friend "Denise" has an almost insane crush on a friend of ours. Denise is so obsessed with him that she has hysterical fits of crying and rage if he pays attention to another girl. She talks about suicide if she can't be with him.
I know this is not normal, but I don't know what to do. I'm concerned Denise will hurt herself or someone else. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN CALGARY
DEAR CONCERNED: Tell your parents, a teacher, or a counselor at school about her behavior, her threats and your concerns. Your friend has gone off the deep end and may need to be psychologically evaluated.
Mom's Bad Health Makes Girl Reluctant to Enjoy Her Youth
DEAR ABBY: My name is "Sunny," but I don't feel very sunny. I'm 13 and have many problems. I'm afraid I'm on a wrong track and won't be able to do what I know I should with my life. My grades aren't good, and I keep getting myself into hot water. My mother has a lot of health problems, so she doesn't need my problems on top of hers. I keep asking myself why this is happening to us.
Mother told me she wants me to live a life that will make me happy, and not let her poor health ruin my teen years. Is it wrong for me to enjoy these years and plan what I want to do with my future even though my mother is very sick? What can I do to get my life back on the right track? -- SUNNY IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SUNNY: The most important thing you can do is stop feeling guilty for enjoying yourself. I can think of nothing that would make your mother happier than to know you are living your life to the fullest and exercising your potential.
Talk to a counselor at school about how to get your grade level back where it should be. If you are in with the wrong crowd, involve yourself in activities where you will make constructive and rewarding friendships. And most of all, share your victories with your mother. Share your concerns with her as well. It will make her -- and you -- feel better. Trust me on that.
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter was hired to baby-sit our friend's 1-year-old infant. When she arrived, she was told she would also be watching the next-door neighbor's two small children, both under 3 years of age. The parents were going out together, and the babies next door were put to bed, the house was locked, and my daughter was given a baby monitor so she could hear if there was a problem.
When I heard this, I was furious that they'd put a 15-year-old in that position and leave small children locked in a house alone. I said as much.
Now my daughter, husband and our friends are all mad at me for making them uncomfortable about their "arrangement." Apparently, they do it all the time -- both couples hire one sitter and leave one house unattended. These people are young, educated, drive expensive cars and can afford a sitter.
I told them I would call Social Services if they continue to leave the babies unattended.
My family thinks I owe them an apology. Do I? -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FURIOUS: No, you do not. What these "friends" are doing is illegal, as well as unconscionable. If something should go wrong -- like a fire -- your daughter could be left with lifelong guilt and trauma. Please continue to look out for your daughter's interests. Being a conscientious parent means not always being popular.
DEAR ABBY: My mother wants me to go by my stepfather's name. My birth father also wants me to use his name. I want to use his name, not my stepfather's, but Mother disagrees. How do I tell her how I feel about this? -- DOE OR DALEY
DEAR DOE OR DALEY: Tell your mother again how you feel about the name change. You are your father's child, and it is wrong for your mother to try to obscure that fact. Since you are a minor, the decision may be hers, but perhaps she would compromise and allow you to hyphenate your father's name with your stepfather's. It's worth a try.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DAD'S CRIMINAL CAREER COULD BE DANGEROUS FOR HIS DAUGHTER
DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old, struggling single mother. My 10-year-old daughter's father, "Lenny," was in prison for the first eight years of her life. He's a career criminal. You name it, he's done it.
Lenny's out now, but he hasn't changed. He wants to spend time with his daughter, but every time I let her go with him, she comes home with another story.
The world is a scary place, and I feel the need to protect her. I'm afraid he's exposing her to the wrong things. I also think he "works" while she's around. As far as I know, Lenny is still being pursued by the law and bounty hunters.
Sometimes it seems crystal clear. But then I think: Lenny is her father. He loves her. He's just not smart enough to be part of her life.
Legally he has no rights. His name isn't on her birth certificate. There are no court orders for visitation or child support. Abby, what should I do? -- TORN IN TWO
DEAR TORN: Your first priority must be your daughter's safety. Ask yourself what could happen if the bounty hunters or the police were to catch up with Lenny and your daughter were on the premises. You already know what you have to do. Now do it.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Eric" for almost six months. He's everything I've ever wanted. There's just one problem -- I am 26; he's 50.
Eric doesn't realize that I know how old he is, and I'm not sure how to tell him. We haven't met each other's families yet, but I have discussed the age difference with mine. They have accepted my choice because I am happy.
Eric is a successful businessman in our community. Although I shouldn't care what others think, I can't help worrying that this relationship could damage our reputations.
Eric has a 13-year-old daughter. I know he'll introduce us when the time is right, but his ex-wife has given him problems in the past regarding custody and visitation, and I'm scared our relationship could affect that as well.
I am prepared to accept Eric's baggage because I care deeply for him, but I'm unsure how to handle some of these issues. Any ideas? -- YOUNG AND IN LOVE IN TORONTO
DEAR YOUNG AND IN LOVE: You handle your issues by talking them through with Eric. However, you may be jumping the gun a little -- your relationship is still fairly new. I have some questions for you:
(1) Why haven't you introduced Eric to your folks?
(2) Although there is a large age difference, you are both adults; why do you think your relationship could harm your (or his) reputation?
(3) If the relationship pans out, and you reach the age of 55, Eric will be pushing 80. Will you still love him when you're in the prime of life and he is doddering?
I urge you to discuss these issues openly. The solution to your dilemma lies in the way these questions are answered.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)