What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hygienist Disgusted by Clients Who Don't Brush Before Visits
DEAR ABBY: I'm a dental hygienist. It's an excellent career, and I've been practicing for nine years.
For the life of me, I cannot understand why so many people get into my chair and tell me they haven't brushed their teeth all day. Even worse, they'll say, "I just ate a roast beef sandwich, so you might find some chunks in there." It's disgusting.
Abby, how can I let people know they should brush their teeth before visiting a dental office? -- GROSSED OUT IN GROSSE POINT
DEAR GROSSED OUT: People already know they should have brushed their teeth before visiting you. Make it a practice to ask your patients when they arrive whether they have "had a chance" to brush their teeth. If the answer is no, smile, hand them a toothbrush and toothpaste, and tell them to go do it. At first, they may be taken aback, but it won't take them long to get used to the new drill.
DEAR ABBY: My husband started working the graveyard shift two months ago. It has been a hard transition for us, but even harder for our 11-year-old son, "Ryan."
For the past couple of weeks, Ryan has been overly concerned about someone breaking into our third-floor apartment while we're asleep. I've tried my best to reassure Ryan, but he keeps having nightmares about someone breaking into our place -- or my parents' apartment -- and harming or killing us. He wakes up screaming and crying.
Do you have any suggestions about how I can make him feel more secure? -- SLEEPLESS IN NEW WESTMINSTER
DEAR SLEEPLESS: It would be helpful to know what triggered your son's insecurity. Is he watching too much television? Is he playing violent video games? Has something happened at school or afterward that he is not telling you? Talk to your son. If the problem persists, take him to his pediatrician for evaluation -- and a referral to a psychologist, if necessary.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old woman with a new (unplanned) baby. Despite my husband's initial reservations, we both consider her a welcome addition to our lives.
We also have three older children, 25, 21 and 18. My doctor says I need time to adjust to all the recent changes in my life, but I believe there's a bigger problem.
Ever since the baby arrived, I have been overwhelmed with fear about aging. This is completely out of character. Some days, I can't even leave the house. I find myself pushing my husband away and neglecting the needs of the rest of my family. The only one getting the best of me is the baby.
My husband thinks I'm trying to do too much, that I should stop breast-feeding, get help around the house and "snap out of it."
My inability to communicate and be intimate with him is causing problems between us, and they are affecting the rest of our family. My husband has always been my best friend, but he can't understand how I feel these days.
I don't know how to climb out of this hole or what to do. Help! -- TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH
DEAR TRYING: Tell your doctor exactly what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression caused by hormone changes following childbirth. Please don't wait. Do it now.
Alcohol Fuels Fire of Conflict Between Parent and Teenager
DEAR ABBY: I am a normal 13-year-old kid. I play soccer and the saxophone and am serious about both.
Lately, I'm noticing my mom's drinking. She threatens all kinds of things at night: no soccer, no sax, no social life. She gets argumentative and repeats herself. We've been getting into fights because she forgets things and says things she doesn't mean.
The other night, she grabbed and pushed me. When I told her to stop, she said she has nothing to lose, but I do.
Plus my dad is kind of timid, so he goes along with whatever she says. HELP! -- CRAZY IN COLORADO
DEAR CRAZY: Your mother's drinking is out of control, and her behavior is destructive. Your father probably hopes that if he ignores it, it will go away. Please clip this letter and give it to him. He needs to contact Al-Anon, and you should attend some Alateen meetings.
Alateen is a fellowship of young people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. An active adult member of Al-Anon serves as a sponsor for each group. The number for both Al-Anon and Alateen is (888) 425-2666, and the Web site for both is www.al-anon.alateen.org.
DEAR ABBY: Last summer, my high school sweetheart and I linked up again at our class reunion. We live in different states. A few months later, I visited her. Two months after that, she came to visit me for a week. We got along great.
We talk constantly and are in love with each other all over again. Neither of us has children or other obligations. She has agreed to move here, get her own place for a while, and let nature take its course. I can't see myself without her.
Her friends think she might be acting too hastily. Do you think we need more time? We are both 38 and are ready to spend our lives together. What do you think? -- CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR CONFUSED: You are both adults. Since there is nothing keeping her in the town where she lives, I see no reason why she shouldn't relocate to yours. Her friends mean well, I'm sure, but they are not the ones who should be deciding whether her decision is too hasty, and I think they should butt out.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Andre" since I was 12 and he was 13. We are now 26 and 27. Like any couple, we've had arguments. He's also cheated on me. We have three children. He also has four children with other women.
I am confused, Abby. We have a lot of trust issues. I have my guard up all the time. I love him. He was my first sexual partner. I want to get married, but I can't help thinking he's going to cheat again.
How can I learn to trust him totally? -- C.D. IN CHICAGO
DEAR C.D.: Being of sound mind and body, that would be impossible. Your boyfriend has proven at least four times that he is not trustworthy in the fidelity department. Thirteen years of this distrust and torture are enough already. If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer, establish child support and let him go. He may be 27, but he still hasn't grown up.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
REACHING OUT TO SHY TEENS BRINGS MOMS, GIRLS TOGETHER
DEAR ABBY: I have questions about "growing up." I am 15 and want to talk to my mom about it, but I'm embarrassed. We talk about some stuff, but most of the time I wait until I can't stand it anymore and finally talk to her.
Do you have any ideas about making it easier for me to open up to my mom? I want to just walk through the front door and say, "Hey, Mom, I've got a question" -- but I can't. I'm too shy.
Abby, please help! -- TOO SHY IN A SMALL TOWN
DEAR TOO SHY: I'm sad to say your question is very common. It is repeated in nearly every batch of mail I receive. Teenage girls want to talk to their mothers, but they are afraid to reach out.
What I recommend are scheduled mother-daughter dinners, one-on-one time where there are no distractions, and feelings can be discussed, questions answered and opinions and attitudes aired and explained. This quality time can be the basis of precious memories and the foundation for trust and closeness. If this seems far-fetched, consider how many thousands of young girls have such distant relationships with their mothers that the only person they feel they can confide in is an advice columnist. Mothers, please reach out to your daughters. You'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: My children attend a local elementary school here in Dallas. They are in kindergarten and second grade.
Other parents have told me about a practice that occurs in third grade at our school. If a child's desk is not properly organized (to the teacher's specifications), the teacher does a "desk dump" in front of the class and orders the child to put the items back using the "proper organization."
I don't think public humiliation is an appropriate teaching technique. And I seriously doubt that the children learn anything more than fear of their teacher.
Fortunately, the school district does not allow corporal punishment; however, this kind of emotional abuse can be almost as destructive as physical abuse for children this young.
What do you think of this "teaching technique"? -- WORRIED PARENT IN TEXAS
DEAR WORRIED: I think it is unacceptable, outmoded and should be scrapped. Instead of teaching children, it demeans them and causes resentment.
Since you feel strongly about it, visit the principal and confirm that the stories are true. If they are, ask that the teacher be instructed about what is appropriate and effective and what is not. If the teacher persists, you and other concerned parents should take this matter up with the school board.
DEAR ABBY: I am 7 years old. I live with my mother and father in a small apartment. I have two fish, two cats, a hamster and a mouse -- but I would also like a dog. My mother says our apartment is too small. My dad says to ask you because I practice reading through your column. Plus, I told my dad that I would ask your advice. Thank you. -- AMBER IN CHICAGO
DEAR AMBER: At the risk of getting myself in the doghouse, I vote with your mother. Two fish, two cats, a hamster and a mouse are already quite a sizable menagerie for a family of three living in a small apartment. Enough is enough.
I'm pleased that you read my column -- it's never too early to start.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)