What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
CLASSMATES' FLIRTING STYLE IS VERGING ON HARASSMENT
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and a little confused. I go to a school where "flirting" involves touching. Even when the girls say stop, the boys don't.
One guy has grabbed me several times. I like him, but I'm afraid he's going to do worse things to me. Please help me. I feel weird talking about this to anyone. But I need to know what flirting really means. -- EMBARRASSED IN CAMDEN, ARK.
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Flirting is letting someone that you're interested in know it. It can be a smile, a greeting, a lingering glance, or a touch on the hand, the arm or the shoulder. It does not involve grabbing or overtly sexual touching.
I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable discussing it. Someone should tell the school administration about what's happening so the difference between flirting and sexual harassment can be explained to the entire student body before things get "out of hand."
DEAR ABBY: As the owner of a tanning salon, I feel compelled to reply to the wife who said her husband's visit to a tanning salon was a sign of cheating.
The other clues you listed were more relevant. At our salon, only about 15 percent of our customers are male. Most clients tan for the good look a tan gives, or in preparation for a beach or cruise vacation -- or even just for the relaxation. -- BRETT RICH, MARYVILLE, TENN.
DEAR BRETT: No one meant to "dis" an entire industry or imply that the fact someone visits a tanning salon is conclusive proof that he or she is cheating. When someone is cheating, the warning signs usually appear in multiples -- and that is where the checklist comes in handy.
P.S. The first "warning sign" is usually a person's intuition that something is wrong. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your list of 29 things to look for if you suspect your partner of cheating was incomplete. You forgot No. 30, the final one: "If your partner tries to hide the list from you." -- ED IN LAKELAND, FLA.
DEAR ED: Ah, yes ... it's a truism that people who are secretive usually have a lot to hide.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a disagreement about something and would like you to settle it. When I'm home alone, he sneaks into the house and tiptoes up behind me. He has even done it while I'm in the shower, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
When I tell him this frightens me, he says I am overly nervous. I say it's not a matter of being nervous. I was raised to be courteous and announce my presence. I think my husband's behavior is selfish, rude, and shows a lack of manners. Who is right? -- KRISTA IN JACKSONVILLE
DEAR KRISTA: You are. His behavior is also childish and a touch sadistic.
P.S. Lock the bathroom door when you take a shower, and hang a string of little bells or chimes on the front and back doors of your house. That should solve the problem.
PARENTS GRAPPLE WITH PROMISE TO LET DAUGHTER GET PIERCED
DEAR ABBY: Our otherwise responsible 15-year-old daughter, "Marie," is upset with her father and me because we won't allow her to have her belly button pierced. She's a good kid, and we originally told her she could get it pierced if she improved her grades. However, after thinking it over, we changed our minds and told her so.
Marie couldn't believe we'd changed our minds. She worked hard and brought her grades up to A's and B's. Now she is in tears because we won't let her have the piercing.
At what age do you and your readers consider belly button piercing appropriate? -- UPSET IN COLLEGEVILLE, PA.
DEAR UPSET: I see navel piercing as a fad that has gone mainstream. Discuss it with your family physician or a dermatologist to determine what the risks are. Be sure your daughter is present so she is aware of them, too. (As long as the procedure is done hygienically, it shouldn't cause any damage.) And in the future, I advise you to think carefully before making any more promises to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I am getting married in August. My best friend, "Judy," is my maid of honor. My problem is she expects me to invite her fiance, "Joe," to the wedding.
While I love Judy dearly, I do not care for her fiance. When they are together, they keep to themselves and barely interact with other people.
I'm afraid if I invite Joe to my wedding, she'll spend most of her time with him. He has never done anything to make me dislike him, but I've never had a good feeling about him since the day I met him. I want to keep my friend happy, but I also want to have the wedding of my dreams. I'm worried if I invite Joe it will put a damper on my day, and if I don't invite him, Judy will be hurt. Is it OK not to invite him? -- BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: No, it's not OK. To exclude your friend's fiance would be selfish and a breach of etiquette. They are officially a couple, and besides, on your wedding day you will be so busy with your guests and your new husband that you won't have time to dwell on the amount of attention you'll be receiving from your maid of honor.
DEAR ABBY: I enjoy the letters you print about acts of kindness. I am a 63-year-old woman with physical disabilities. While walking out of the grocery store, I slipped on some ice and fell. Abby, four people walked right past me without even offering to help. A Muslim family walked by, and the husband put his groceries down and helped me up. He then carried my groceries while his wife and son helped me to my car. After that, they followed my car to my house to make sure I arrived safely. Their son helped me unload the groceries and get them into my kitchen.
In all the chaos, I didn't even get their names. Please, Abby, let them know how grateful I am. So many ugly things have been said about Muslims since Sept. 11. Their kindness and concern reminded me that there are many good people out there, and we should not forget that. -- GRATEFUL IN ST. PAUL
DEAR GRATEFUL: You're right. We shouldn't. Kindness and consideration for others aren't virtues confined by borders, nor are they restricted to one religion. Thank you for pointing it out.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boyfriend's Dating Profile Artfully Dodges the Truth
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has posted his profile on a dating Web site in the hope of finding some new friends. I am frequently out of town on business, and he has decided that he would like to converse with "artsy" people during the week while I am away. He claims this Web site is the only way to meet like-minded people.
While I don't mind his wanting to meet people, I feel that using a dating Web site is inappropriate. I read his profile; in it he indicates that he is "single." (He promises he will tell the woman he meets that he is not single "when and if the topic comes up.")
I think it's wrong to meet people based on a lie. He swears he would never cheat on me. How can I convince him that this is a form of cheating and that it's disrespectful to me? -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If you can't see that your boyfriend is "fishing," then you are angling for trouble. Since he has shown that he is willing to misrepresent himself to the women he meets on the Web site, what makes you think he would hesitate to lie to you? If I were you, I'd find another boyfriend. This one is setting you up for a whale of a heartbreak.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my stepdaughter got married and asked my daughter to be in her wedding. The wedding was in North Carolina and we live in Pennsylvania. Since my daughter couldn't travel there to be fitted for her gown, it was shipped to us. We asked if we could go to a national chain store and get the same gown here to make sure the size was right. The bride refused.
When the gown arrived, it was the wrong size. We had to pay for the extensive alterations, as well as the gown.
Now my other stepdaughter is getting married, and she wants my daughter in her wedding. If the gown she selects doesn't fit, would it be wrong to ask that the alterations be paid for by the bride? She knows the trouble we had with the last gown, but insists on picking out the gown at a store in her area. Help! -- RE-FIT TO BE TIED
DEAR RE-FIT: You're all family. As long as the dress is identical, it shouldn't matter where the garment is purchased. However, if she insists on ordering a gown from a store in her area, she should be prepared to pay for the alterations.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I won seats at two dinner parties that were auctioned off by our church. Last night we attended the first one, and I brought a small housewarming gift because our hosts had recently moved into a new home.
The second dinner party is coming up soon, and we are wondering if we should bring a small hostess gift even though we paid for the dinner. The church received all the money from the auction. Our hosts are donating the food, labor, and the use of their home.
Our instincts say we should bring a gift because it seems like the polite thing to do, but my husband and I are not sure. -- YOUNG AND UNSURE ABOUT ETIQUETTE
DEAR UNSURE: You may be young, but your instincts are correct. To bring a small hostess gift with you would be a lovely, thoughtful gesture. Bon appetit!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)