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Classmates Lower the Boom on Girl Who Has Lofty Goal
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. For my Health and Human Services class, I had to do an oral report about my future career.
I have wanted to be president of the United States since fifth grade. But when I said that, my teacher laughed at me. He told me I had very little chance of making it, although he didn't say why.
Then, "Jim," another student, started laughing hysterically and said girls aren't allowed to be president. I said, "Yeah, and I'll bet the idiots who came up with that idea were guys!" I was so upset I ran out of the room.
Now, a group of kids at school have started calling me names and spreading rumors about me. Jim even tripped me and made me bite my lip. I try to ignore them, but it's hard. They keep laughing at me, and my teacher is no help. I am losing sleep and feel horrible.
Abby, I didn't realize so much trouble could come out of revealing a dream. It's not like I am not ambitious enough. I'm in the National Junior Honor Society and my poetry has been published in the paper more than once.
I have tried talking to the guidance counselors, but they have done nothing. And when I mention my career ambition to my family, all I get from them is, "That's nice, dear."
Please respond, Abby. My dream is turning into a nightmare. -- I HAVE A DREAM
DEAR I HAVE A DREAM: Please clip this and show it to your male chauvinist teacher. Because a woman has never been president of the United States does not mean that it will never happen. Fifty years ago there was a saying, "A woman's place is in the home." Today, more women work outside the home than in it. And this year, for the first time, there were more female applicants to medical schools than male.
Please don't let your classmates get you down. If necessary, ask your parents to get involved to stop the harassment. The people who imply that you cannot fulfill your dreams are wrong. I expect to see a woman be elected president in my lifetime -- and who's to say it won't be you? Certainly not this columnist!
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with my boyfriend for two years. He has two boys, 7 and 9. He has been divorced from his wife for six years. We do not live together, but we would like to share the same bed when I stay overnight.
My boyfriend's 9-year-old son won't allow it. He either tries to get into the bed with my boyfriend or makes comments that he doesn't want us to sleep together. This is trying my patience.
I have tried to be understanding. Am I wrong to be frustrated with the situation? My boyfriend wants to sleep with me, too, but doesn't talk to his son about it; he just gives in. -- BUMMED IN BEVERLY, MASS.
DEAR BUMMED: Call me old-fashioned, but if you're looking for sympathy from me, you've come to the wrong place. What adults do in private is their own business. But I don't think unmarried adults should sleep together in front of children. It sends the wrong message. Children want to keep their illusions, and I think adults should let them.
Daughter Deserves to Know That Dad Is in the Slammer
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 6-year-old daughter I'll call "Maya" who adores her father. "John" and I were together for more than eight years and have been apart for about a year. During our last year together, he was caught selling drugs and was convicted of possession and distribution, as well as possession of an illegal weapon. I knew nothing of this until he was arrested. (I worked while he was a stay-at-home dad.)
John is now serving a four-year sentence in federal prison. However, he tells Maya that he is in "Daddy School," and when he gets home she will live with him.
Abby, I have struggled long and hard to get back on my feet after paying all of John's legal bills and finding a place for Maya and me to live. Should I tell her where her father really is, and that she won't be living with him but can visit him? (He will be living with his mother again when they let him out.)
He keeps telling Maya how much fun they'll have together. I want her to love John and have a good relationship with him, but I don't want to lose her. What's the answer? -- WORRIED MOTHER IN TEXAS
DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter deserves to know the truth about her father -- that he did something that was against the law, and he is now paying for it. If you go along with his lie, Maya will have good reason to believe that everything John is telling her is the truth -- including the part about where she is going to live.
Your next step should be to discuss child custody with an attorney. Since it appears that you and John are not married, and he is not contributing financially to Maya's welfare, I fail to see how he can claim the right to have her live with him. A lawyer can help you make sure it doesn't happen, so please waste no time in contacting one. It will ease your mind, and that's what is important right now.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jeff," is 35 and I'm 41. We've been married 10 years.
Jeff is an excellent provider. He spends quality time with the children and will do anything I ask.
I have only one problem. Every gift occasion -- anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day or birthday -- Jeff buys me an outfit I consider trashy. His most recent gift was a black leather miniskirt and bustier, black mesh stockings and thigh-high boots. When I asked Jeff where he expected me to wear that stuff, he said, "On a date with me -- or in our bedroom."
Is it healthy for Jeff to have those fantasies? -- NOT A SLUT IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR NOT: Oui, oui, Madame -- as long as the fantasies include you!
WORTH REMEMBERING: "To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." -- Will and Ariel Durant
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter Refuses to Play Part in Mom's Reconciliation Drama
DEAR ABBY: My mother was unloving and downright cruel to all of her children, but now that we're all over 18, she has suddenly decided she wants to have relationships with us. (I haven't even told her that I've been engaged for two months.) She has caused so much suffering and heartache, but I don't know how to tell her to leave me alone.
She recently showed up at my house. I don't know how she got my address, because I didn't give it to her and I never return her calls. I don't understand how she can act like everything is fine between us and get angry with me for not calling her back.
Mother has never in her life said the word "sorry." I am at a loss as to how to deal with her. -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX
DEAR ANGRY: I have heard from readers who cut themselves off from their parents after abusive childhoods and later regretted that there was no closure. I have also heard from people who did it and have no regrets about it at all.
If you feel that any aspect of your relationship with her is salvageable, consider trying to heal the relationship. However, if that is not possible, tell her plainly that you want to be left alone, and if she doesn't cooperate, you will be forced to get a restraining order. Then do it.
DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Debra," had her breasts enlarged before she was even 20, and she dresses to draw attention to them. She's so proud that she pushes them out even further, which makes her posture appear abnormal.
We are modest people, and we felt especially uncomfortable last summer at a family beach party where she pranced around in a thong!
Now we have a messy situation. Debra has accused a male family member of behaving inappropriately toward her. He denies ever thinking "that way" about her, but admits he couldn't help looking at her breasts "because they were on display all the time."
My sister, Debra's mother, refuses to accept that her daughter is in any way responsible for this mess, and says the man involved is completely at fault. I blame Debra.
Is it fair for a girl to dress seductively and then accuse a male family member of behaving inappropriately? -- MODEST IN COLORADO
DEAR MODEST: Let's stop assigning blame and assess what's really happening. For years, Debra probably felt something was lacking. Since she has had her enhancement surgery, it appears she has been overcompensating. The episode with the thong bikini at the family beach party is an example of a girl who once felt invisible and is now flaunting her assets.
However, when someone prominently puts something on display, it's unrealistic to expect viewers to wear blinders or look away. Debra can't have it both ways.
DEAR ABBY: My neighbor runs a licensed day-care center in her home. She does a good job and has lots of children in her care. Some of the children are the same ages as my kids, and they often spend an afternoon or a whole day playing at my house. Should I be concerned about being responsible for her "clients" when she is paid to take care of them? Is there a liability issue that I need to confront? It's an awkward situation for me, and I'd like to hear your thoughts. -- LIABLE IN SYRACUSE
DEAR LIABLE: To heck with my "thoughts." Contact your insurance agent TODAY. If a child is injured on your property, there is definitely a liability issue!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)