For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER-IN-LAW'S DISREGARD DOESN'T BODE WELL FOR FUTURE
DEAR ABBY: I am upset about what my mother-in-law did at my wedding last Saturday. This is my second marriage and my husband, "Sherman's," first. Instead of eloping, we chose to have a wedding with family, close friends and only my children, who are 8 and 11. No other children were invited.
We made arrangements at a hotel to provide supervised activities and snacks for the children. One of my brothers refused to attend because he was unwilling to leave his son with someone he didn't know. My other brother went to great lengths to find a sitter of his own choosing.
My mother-in-law informed us before the wedding that she wanted to bring her daughter's 3- and 4-year-old children. We clearly stated that no children other than my own were invited and offered to include her grandchildren at the hotel with the other children. She declined the offer and assured us that the little ones would be taken care of by a friend of their father's.
Fifteen minutes before the ceremony, those little ones were out of control, waving plastic machine guns and running wild through the church. I asked that they be driven to the hotel immediately. They disappeared, and I assumed that's where they went. When the ceremony began, they were in the second row with Sherman's parents.
During the 30-minute service, they sat on various people's laps, kicked the back of the pew in front of them, shrieked, and loudly asked questions about what was going on. They turned an intimate, private affair into a circus.
Now my two brothers and sisters-in-law won't speak to me because they think I favored Sherman's family over my own. Other guests with older and better-behaved children are also upset because I told them only my children would be there.
I haven't slept a full night since because of this. Today Sherman confronted his mother. She said her grandchildren are family, and she wasn't about to exclude them, and if my brothers were upset, they should have brought their children, too.
I am at my wit's end. Sherman fully supports me in this. I don't want a fractured relationship with Sherman's mother, but I have never had anyone disregard my wishes with such effortless aplomb in my life. I no longer want to visit her, spend holidays with her or do anything with her at all. It bothers me that she has set a precedent of what she says, goes.
What can I reasonably do other than pack up my family and move to another state or country? -- MAD AS A HORNET IN N.C.
DEAR MAD AS A HORNET: Tell your siblings and their spouses -- in writing if necessary -- that what your mother-in-law did was against your expressed wishes.
Your mother-in-law was determined to get her way regardless of whom it offended. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself. Under the circumstances, your feelings are understandable. Unless you live in a very small town, you don't have to move to another community to avoid your husband's mother. See her only when absolutely necessary. That rude, self-centered woman is nothing but trouble.
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my 8-year-old daughter and her friend were molested by a teenage boy from our church. My daughter came to me and told me about it. I immediately took her to the hospital and called the police.
This began a year of talking to detectives, district attorneys and therapists. During all this time, we were urged by friends of the boy's parents and other church members not to press charges. We had to move twice to avoid conflict with all the people who thought he was innocent.
When the court date finally arrived, my daughter and her friend took the stand separately to tell their stories while the boy and his parents stared at them.
My daughter showed remarkable courage. When the public defender tried to twist her words, she stood firm. At one point, she told the public defender that he was a liar when he said something untrue. She actually made the judge laugh.
I will not tell you she wasn't upset when she walked out of the courtroom. She went to her friend and gave her a big hug. Then her friend went in to testify. The boy was convicted.
I am sharing this story because our children are stronger than we give them credit for. Professionals have told me that the reason my daughter is OK now is because I let her stand up for herself and I believed in her.
I encourage parents and guardians of molested children to let the children stand up for themselves. Don't try to shelter them from the legal process. It is healing for them to assert their rights. -- STANDING UP FOR CHILDREN'S RIGHTS
DEAR STANDING UP: Thank you for the great letter. When you encouraged your daughter to fight back using the legal system, you empowered her and gave her closure. Too many innocent victims remain silent out of shame and fear -– and by doing so, they carry wounds that can last a lifetime.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 10-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. She thinks my husband is her real father. She even carries his last name. Her real dad was an abusive drug addict who has had no contact with us.
Should I tell her the truth now? One day? Ever? I don't want him in her life, but I'm afraid that someday someone may slip and tell her, and then she will never forgive me.
Abby, this is so hard. I don't want to hurt my daughter, my husband or my other kids. -- NEEDS HELP IN TEXAS
DEAR NEEDS: Tell your daughter now that you were married once before. She will have questions. Answer them honestly. The longer you put this off, the greater her shock will be. So do it now.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single father of an 18-month-old and am wondering why so many public places have no baby-changing stations available in areas where men can use them. I find it hard to shop or go out to eat because of this. I hope somebody can rectify this problem, or a lot of single dads will be looking for other places to spend their money. -- SINGLE DAD IN NEW YORK
DEAR SINGLE DAD: Over the past 10 years, I have noticed more and more fathers out with their babies and small children at shopping centers, restaurants, etc. Businesses that fail to recognize this culture change are shortsighted when they make it difficult for single dads or fathers who have their little ones for visitation. A word to the wise ...
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Threats May Lead to Violence if Boyfriend Is Left Unchecked
DEAR ABBY: I can't stop thinking about the letter from the girl whose boyfriend threatened to kill her parents if she breaks up with him.
When my cousin was 14, her parents forced her to break up with a boy who was too old for her. His solution was to shoot her and himself. She survived but was left a paraplegic.
Your advice to that girl was right on. You advised her to tell her parents immediately. That way, they can take the necessary precautions. The girl should not assume that her own life is safe. Logic has nothing to do with obsession, and that boy is clearly obsessed. -- CONCERNED IN CANTON, GA.
DEAR CONCERNED: When I printed that letter, I thought it was unusual. To my dismay, I have a bushel of mail and e-mail on my desk that proves otherwise. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Anonymous in Fort Myers, Fla." was correct. When I was a teen, my best friend was also dating a controlling guy her parents weren't too sure about. He raped her, but she stayed with him anyway.
When she became pregnant, he beat her almost to death. She lost the baby and very nearly her life. Please let that girl know how important it is for that guy to be out of her and her family's lives. -- LORI IN FORT BELVOIR, VA.
DEAR LORI: You're right. If the young man would threaten the lives of her parents because he wasn't getting his way, it doesn't take a large leap of logic to conclude that at some point, he could turn on her. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Lifelong sufferers of domestic violence often begin that sad journey as teenagers, tolerating violent behavior from boyfriends. The boy in that letter isn't the only one who has mental problems. So does the girl. If her first serious relationship is with a boy as psychotic as that one and her problems are not addressed, she will continue to think that kind of behavior is normal. -- LONGTIME READER IN KANSAS
DEAR LONGTIME READER: Good point. Furthermore, the girl's first priority must be to protect her family.
DEAR ABBY: I was 17 when I tried to break off with a jealous and controlling boy like that one. He hinted that our house would not be safe, but I told no one. If I had turned him in, many lives would have turned out better.
About 10 years later, my mom saw him on television in a jail interview. He had raped more than 50 young women.
"Anonymous" should also tell her school counselor and the police about his threats in case his anger turns toward her. His parents also need to be told so they can get him the help he needs. -- SAN DIEGO READER
DEAR READER: I agree with that.
DEAR ABBY: I was in her shoes between the ages of 16 and 18. My boyfriend told me if I didn't move in with him, he'd kill my parents. So I moved in. It was pure hell. He broke my wrist, cracked my ribs, bruised me frequently -– for the rest of my life, I'll have scars as painful daily reminders.
She cannot change him. He may say he'd never hurt her, but she should listen to the threats he is already making. She must get him out of her life. I learned this firsthand. My former boyfriend is now in prison for killing his 9-month-old daughter. -- STILL RECOVERING IN OHIO
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