What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and in the eighth grade. I just moved from one set of grandparents to my other grandma's house and had to change schools.
At my old school, I had friends. At this new school, I don't have anybody to hang out with. Every once in a while, someone talks to me. But every day I eat lunch alone.
Grandma works, so I have to go to school an hour early and stay an hour later than the other kids. I'm trying to stick it out for this school year, but next year I want to go back to my old school where I have friends and transportation.
I'm afraid my grandma will be heartbroken if I leave her. I love her and don't want to hurt her. If she wanted me to, I could still visit her every weekend like I used to. I don't know how to handle this. Please help me. -- LONELY IN TEXAS
DEAR LONELY: You have my sympathy. The timing for your move could not have been worse. By eighth grade, cliques and friendships have been well-established, and trying to break in is difficult.
I hope you will be patient and give things in your new community a little more time. In the fall, everyone in your class will be starting high school. Very often the people who were close in grammar/middle school start forming new alliances at that time, and you will be able to find friends and fit in. You will be able to join clubs or go out for sports, if that interests you.
At the end of your freshman year, if your situation has not improved, you should speak to your grandmother about returning to your old community. But if you do go back, don't be surprised if things are not the way you remembered them. As circumstances change and time passes, people also change.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, daughter and I recently moved from the West Coast to a small town on the East Coast. My husband loves his new job and my daughter is adjusting well, but I am miserable.
I have been commuting back and forth. When I am on the West Coast, I feel I'm myself and all's right with the world. When I return home, I deflate.
Nothing I try makes the move bearable. If I'd truly known what living here would be like, I would never have moved.
Living on the West Coast would be better for me, but I have my husband and daughter to consider. How do I evaluate the trade-off between their well-being and my misery? -- MISERABLE ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR MISERABLE: I wish you had been more specific about when the move took place. Let me answer you this way: To what extent have you been trying to fit into the new community? Have you joined a church or synagogue? Are you volunteering in the community? Helping at your daughter's school? Have you made a sincere effort to make new friends?
If the answer to each of these questions is yes, then it's possible you are unable to make the transition and you and your husband should consider relocating back to the West Coast.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been on the outs lately because she has a friend, "Dottie," whom I don't like. Dottie told my wife that she hates that we got married. She even tried to introduce her to other guys. Dottie has broken up a few marriages, and now she is trying to break up mine.
My wife lies to me about where she is when I call her cell phone and she's at Dottie's.
Should I tell her it's Dottie or me? I need some advice. -- DOESN'T TRUST DOTTIE
DEAR D.T.D.: If your wife is lying to you about her whereabouts, your marriage is in big trouble. It would be interesting to know what the basis is for her alliance with this troublemaker. You both could benefit from marriage counseling to clear the air and renew your commitment to each other. Until your wife is able to perceive what Dottie is doing for what it is, your marriage will continue to go downhill.
Teen Must Improve His Cast if He Hopes to Catch a Keeper
DEAR ABBY: You were far too easy on the ninth-grade boy who said: "Women are like fish. If you have the right bait, they are easy to lure in. Once you've sampled the goods, then you throw them back." He asked "what was up" with all the "unfortunate women and their out-of-wedlock pregnancies and bad relationships" and said that men don't have these problems.
What kind of male role model does that boy have? He appears to be headed for many brief relationships if he has the preconception that women are to be hooked and then let go. With that mind-set, he'll miss out on the love and stability of a healthy relationship when the "right fish" comes along and he has the wrong attitude.
He should look at the lake from the top instead of the bottom. The water is kinda murky from his vantage point. -- HOOKED AND RELEASED BY CHOICE, CANTON, OHIO
DEAR H&R: You're right. Did that letter ever touch a nerve. I was inundated with mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a hunch that boy has "sampled" some goods and "thrown them back" despite his claim that "he isn't like that." Girls who have out-of-wedlock pregnancies and bad relationships don't get that way by themselves. There are boys involved.
You should have told him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is, and to look for better role models for how to treat women.
P.S. Reminding him to always keep a "net" handy to cover his "fishing pole" wouldn't have been a bad idea either. -- MARGARET IN EASTON, PENN.
DEAR MARGARET: Not a bad suggestion. It might keep him from getting in over his head.
DEAR ABBY: My name is Kelsey. I live in Japan and have a few words for "Mr. Fisherman." Women are NOT like fish! Is it so wrong to actually trust a guy? By the sound of it, I think you are out there casting your hook as well. I hope you know where I hope it lands! Women are no more gullible than any other human can be, and we are not stupid. I have had a couple of bad relationships, but I'm grateful for them. They made me smarter. -- "LITTLE FISHY" IN NINTH GRADE
DEAR "LITTLE FISHY": Good point. It may take a couple of "strikes," but people learn from experience.
DEAR ABBY: For every bad relationship and every single mother, there is a man who contributed to it. Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex. Which seems to be the lesser of the evils? -- TAKES TWO TO TANGO, VANCOUVER, WASH.
DEAR TAKES TWO: Neither. When people do THAT dance, they both get cheated because neither one is a commodity to be traded for the other.
DEAR ABBY: What's up with all these men who leave women after they impregnate them? They bolt at the sight of anything more complicated than Monday night football or hooting at a strip club.
Men are like dogs. If they smell food, they'll come panting. If they were smart enough to accomplish more than a few simple tricks for treats, there wouldn't be a need to write this letter.
Offended? GOOD! Not all women are like fish, hoping to catch bait their entire lives. Women are strong, ambitious, intelligent people. Not all men are dogs, either. Some men are loving, generous and intelligent enough to lead healthy, functional lives supporting their partners as equals. Unfortunately, "Fisherman" is too juvenile to see this. By the way, I'm also in ninth grade. -- MICHELLE S., MENLO PARK, CALIF.
DEAR MICHELLE: Thank you for an excellent response. You have a good head on your shoulders. I hope my male readers understand that girls who have strong, active male role models in their lives are less likely to take the bait when it's offered.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Looks for Man Her Age Who Is Ready to Settle Down
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and single. I am always hearing about women suffering from midlife crises, but have you ever heard of a mid-20s one? My single friends and I all seem to have the same problem. We are out of college and beyond our days of "flings." So why is it that while we are ready to settle down and meet someone, the men our age act like they are still in college? Is there anywhere I can meet someone mature AND my age? Should I go to church to find someone, like my mom says? Look to older men? Or am I doomed 'til I'm over 30? -- RORY IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.
DEAR RORY: In the 1950s, "success" for girls was defined as marrying early and having children. Since then, however, more women have jobs and careers, and it is not unusual for men and women to get graduate degrees before thinking about marriage. Couple that with the fact that an adolescent mentality seems to have stretched beyond the teens into the mid-to-late 20s, and it's not surprising that many young men do not feel ready to commit.
You may have to expand your horizons a bit in the age department if you want to settle down now. Consider someone in his late 20s. Then go where like-minded people gather: graduate school, special-interest clubs, volunteer organizations, square or line dancing, church or a political-action group.
Remember that it's important to take the time to really get to know someone before you give your heart -- or anything else.
DEAR ABBY: This is an update on Project Lifesaver, a new nonprofit police organization that locates wandering victims of Alzheimer's disease and special-needs kids using electronic tracking. Your columns devoted to dementia prompted me to write, since our service allows seniors to remain at home longer and gives much-needed stress reduction to their caregivers.
To date, Project Lifesaver has located 878 people in an average rescue time of 19 to 20 minutes. There have been no deaths or injuries, and everyone reported missing has been located. According to the National Alzheimer's Association, an average of 32,000 people wander away from homes and nursing homes each year.
Those at risk of wandering wear a 1-ounce wrist transmitter that emits a radio tracking signal 24/7. When caregivers discover their loved one is missing, they call 911, and Project Lifesaver-trained police officers respond to locate the person quickly.
The system works day or night, inside or outside. The price for the service through the police department ranges from free to $35 per month, depending on financial need. Project Lifesaver is currently in about 200 police departments.
Caregivers interested in Project Lifesaver for their community should contact their local police or sheriff's department and ask them to contact me at the Chesapeake, Va., Sheriff's SAR Unit at (757) 546-5502. Thank you. -- CHIEF GENE SAUNDERS, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, PROJECT LIFESAVER
DEAR CHIEF SAUNDERS: Be careful what you wish for. Project Lifesaver sounds like a terrific public service to me. I'm pleased to make my readers aware of it. Get ready for the onslaught!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)