For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HARASSMENT VICTIM CAN FIGHT BACK BY MARSHALING HER FACTS
DEAR ABBY: A female reader, "Humiliated in Birmingham," wrote that a vendor had come to her place of employment and made lewd comments to her. After learning that the vendor would be training her on software she'd be using for her recent promotion, she reported the incident to her superior. Four days later, she was demoted, publicly humiliated, and felt forced to resign.
I am a former human resources manager, Abby, and that woman should know that she was the victim of hostile environment harassment and subjected to retaliation by her employer for reporting it. Most harassment policies prohibit third-party harassment and retaliation.
"Humiliated" should create a timeline of the events that occurred, and then consult a lawyer or visit her state human rights office. The documentation should include when the harassment occurred, where it occurred, and specifically what lewd comments were made by the vendor. It would also be helpful to note what she did when it occurred, such as telling the vendor that it made her uncomfortable or whether she walked away.
She may also want to locate a copy of the company's harassment policy and any relevant information regarding the promotion and demotion, including if anything was in writing. It should also be noted if anyone witnessed the harassment or the public humiliation.
After documenting her story, this agency will likely file a complaint on her behalf with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and will contact her employer to obtain their story about what happened. Since it's doubtful an investigation by the company was completed, and "Humiliated" was retaliated against, the agency will look unfavorably upon this. "Humiliated" may also want to consider what resolution she is looking for, such as being restored to the promoted position and being trained by a different individual. -- SYMPATHETIC IN LEAWOOD, KAN.
DEAR SYMPATHETIC: Thank you for your helpful letter. It's one that should be clipped and saved by anyone entering the workforce and anyone who owns a business. Most businesses have sexual harassment policies in writing, but not all do. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Fifty lashes with a wet noodle for specifically recommending a female lawyer to "Humiliated in Birmingham." You dropped the ball. Any decent attorney, male or female, should be empathetic and hard-working in pursuing the case. Unless the person hiring the attorney is uncomfortable with a particular gender, the gender of the attorney should not be a criterion. -- DENNIS HUGHES, PLAINFIELD, IND.
DEAR DENNIS: You're right; I was wrong. I apologize for suggesting that a female lawyer might identify more strongly with her situation than a male lawyer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, was harassed by a vendor at work. The receptionist -- a man -- witnessed it. He empowered me, and I called the vendor's boss and told him what had happened. It turned out there had been other complaints about the man. -- CAMMIE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CAMMIE: Thank you for pointing out that when harassment occurs, it's often part of a pattern of behavior.
Father in Law Is Too Eager to Know New Granddaughter
DEAR ABBY: I was married nine months ago to a man I love dearly. It has been an adjustment for all of us, and at times it has been stressful. We have been working on some issues, but for the most part we're doing well. I have a 12-year-old daughter I'll call "Ginger."
The problem is my new father-in-law, "Grant." He lives alone a few states away from us. We see him only a few times a year. I barely know him. Grant has been asking to take Ginger alone for a weekend at his secluded home. I have a real problem with that. Grant also asked to take Ginger to visit his mother -- an even farther distance. He planned on having my daughter alone with him in a hotel for a week. I said no.
Abby, Grant plans these outings in his head and then gets upset when I say no. I'm not comfortable allowing my innocent child to spend time alone with a man in his 60s whom I don't know very well.
I have invited Grant to our home so he can get to know us both, and he always has an excuse not to come. This is causing a rift between my husband and me. Grant has made my husband feel guilty, and it has caused arguments between the two of us. I want to please my husband, but I don't want to place Ginger in a situation that I am not comfortable with. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOTHER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: Stick to your guns and insist that your father-in-law "get to know" your daughter only in situations that you can supervise. There is a reason why your alarm bells are ringing, and frankly, after reading your letter, they went off in my head, too. Listen to your motherly instinct and do not allow yourself to be manipulated into doing otherwise.
DEAR ABBY: I have a warning for your readers. It is always touching to hear stories of long-lost loves being reunited to then live happily ever after. I had a love like that when I was in high school. He was in the Army in California.
We met again after 41 years, fell in love, and began what seemed like a dream come true. I gave up a great job and proximity to family and friends to relocate to Washington. My dream turned into a financially and emotionally draining nightmare. After a year and a half of marriage that volleyed between cruelty and reassurances of his love, I confirmed my intuition that he had been lying and cheating the whole time.
I had based my trust in him on that sweet history that was decades in the past. I am writing to urge others to be cautious. Do not misplace your trust as I did. -- BETRAYED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
DEAR BETRAYED: While it's true that many childhood sweethearts successfully rekindle that old flame in later life, it's also true that as people grow older they sometimes change -- and not always for the better. That's why it's important to look carefully before you leap into anything and take nothing for granted.
I'm sorry your happy ending turned out badly and your prince into a toad. Be glad you know the truth and are again in control of your future because -- believe me -- it's not over until you take your last breath.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Artificial Insemination Is Real Solution for Couple
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old bisexual female. I am madly in love with my partner, "Darci." We have been together for 10 short, wonderful months, but I know without a doubt in my heart that she's "the one" for me. She feels the same.
All I have ever really wanted out of life is to become a mother. I feel that is the reason I was born female, and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I died without giving birth. I also don't want to become a mother in any other way except the "old-fashioned way."
Darci knows how I feel about this and says it's OK with her -- she wouldn't care if I was with a man for that purpose only. But whenever we talk about it, I get the feeling that she's only agreeing because she thinks it will hurt me if she doesn't.
I don't want to take her word for it and have it eventually ruin our relationship because she really isn't OK with it. So my question is, should I go ahead and try to have a baby in the old-fashioned way, or just forget it and not fulfill my one and only true dream because I love her so much and don't want to lose her? -- TORN IN OREGON
DEAR TORN: This is a question you and your partner should discuss with an obstetrician/gynecologist. Surely you are aware that you can be impregnated by artificial insemination, using donor sperm or the sperm of a donor you and Darci know. In that way, you could fulfill your dream without having to worry about arousing any insecurities in your partner. In your case, the method might be an improvement on the "old-fashioned way."
DEAR ABBY: I was divorced after only eight years of marriage. I raised my son, "Bart," alone. We have always had a close relationship, except for the normal ups and downs during his teen years.
Bart is now a successful adult in his late 20s, working professionally in a nearby suburb. He usually calls me once or twice a week and drops by for dinner a couple of times a month. I look forward to his visits and our heart-to-heart chats. We share a similar sense of humor and many interests, including gardening.
Bart has had several girlfriends in the past, but has been dating a lovely new woman for several months. She is a sweet, bright young lady with whom I get along very well.
In recent months, whenever Bart visits, his girlfriend always comes along. She rarely joins in the conversation and seems only to sit there waiting for us to "finish" so they can be on their way. Our talks have become brief and superficial -- far different from times past. I wish he would visit by himself sometimes. Am I wrong to want to see my son without her occasionally? -- MAUI MAMA IN HAWAII
DEAR MAUI MAMA: No, and you should tell your son how you feel. It is nice that he has found a girl who is worthy of bringing home to Mama, but that doesn't mean she should come along on every visit.
DEAR ABBY: My cousin came crying to me. She said her husband had been having an affair. She was devastated -- until I told her about an incident at my last job. My boss, "Lila," confided to me that her husband had had an affair. She said that after she caught him cheating with her sister, she took him back and told him, "Remember this: I'VE got an affair coming."
From then on, he was so busy making sure she didn't cheat on him that she never had to worry about him cheating on her. -- LAUGHING IN NORTH DAKOTA
DEAR LAUGHING: Your boss was a clever lady, but I hope she wasn't serious. One wrong is bad enough. Two wrongs not only don't make a right, but can also destroy a marriage.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)