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Father in Law Is Too Eager to Know New Granddaughter
DEAR ABBY: I was married nine months ago to a man I love dearly. It has been an adjustment for all of us, and at times it has been stressful. We have been working on some issues, but for the most part we're doing well. I have a 12-year-old daughter I'll call "Ginger."
The problem is my new father-in-law, "Grant." He lives alone a few states away from us. We see him only a few times a year. I barely know him. Grant has been asking to take Ginger alone for a weekend at his secluded home. I have a real problem with that. Grant also asked to take Ginger to visit his mother -- an even farther distance. He planned on having my daughter alone with him in a hotel for a week. I said no.
Abby, Grant plans these outings in his head and then gets upset when I say no. I'm not comfortable allowing my innocent child to spend time alone with a man in his 60s whom I don't know very well.
I have invited Grant to our home so he can get to know us both, and he always has an excuse not to come. This is causing a rift between my husband and me. Grant has made my husband feel guilty, and it has caused arguments between the two of us. I want to please my husband, but I don't want to place Ginger in a situation that I am not comfortable with. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOTHER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: Stick to your guns and insist that your father-in-law "get to know" your daughter only in situations that you can supervise. There is a reason why your alarm bells are ringing, and frankly, after reading your letter, they went off in my head, too. Listen to your motherly instinct and do not allow yourself to be manipulated into doing otherwise.
DEAR ABBY: I have a warning for your readers. It is always touching to hear stories of long-lost loves being reunited to then live happily ever after. I had a love like that when I was in high school. He was in the Army in California.
We met again after 41 years, fell in love, and began what seemed like a dream come true. I gave up a great job and proximity to family and friends to relocate to Washington. My dream turned into a financially and emotionally draining nightmare. After a year and a half of marriage that volleyed between cruelty and reassurances of his love, I confirmed my intuition that he had been lying and cheating the whole time.
I had based my trust in him on that sweet history that was decades in the past. I am writing to urge others to be cautious. Do not misplace your trust as I did. -- BETRAYED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
DEAR BETRAYED: While it's true that many childhood sweethearts successfully rekindle that old flame in later life, it's also true that as people grow older they sometimes change -- and not always for the better. That's why it's important to look carefully before you leap into anything and take nothing for granted.
I'm sorry your happy ending turned out badly and your prince into a toad. Be glad you know the truth and are again in control of your future because -- believe me -- it's not over until you take your last breath.
Artificial Insemination Is Real Solution for Couple
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old bisexual female. I am madly in love with my partner, "Darci." We have been together for 10 short, wonderful months, but I know without a doubt in my heart that she's "the one" for me. She feels the same.
All I have ever really wanted out of life is to become a mother. I feel that is the reason I was born female, and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I died without giving birth. I also don't want to become a mother in any other way except the "old-fashioned way."
Darci knows how I feel about this and says it's OK with her -- she wouldn't care if I was with a man for that purpose only. But whenever we talk about it, I get the feeling that she's only agreeing because she thinks it will hurt me if she doesn't.
I don't want to take her word for it and have it eventually ruin our relationship because she really isn't OK with it. So my question is, should I go ahead and try to have a baby in the old-fashioned way, or just forget it and not fulfill my one and only true dream because I love her so much and don't want to lose her? -- TORN IN OREGON
DEAR TORN: This is a question you and your partner should discuss with an obstetrician/gynecologist. Surely you are aware that you can be impregnated by artificial insemination, using donor sperm or the sperm of a donor you and Darci know. In that way, you could fulfill your dream without having to worry about arousing any insecurities in your partner. In your case, the method might be an improvement on the "old-fashioned way."
DEAR ABBY: I was divorced after only eight years of marriage. I raised my son, "Bart," alone. We have always had a close relationship, except for the normal ups and downs during his teen years.
Bart is now a successful adult in his late 20s, working professionally in a nearby suburb. He usually calls me once or twice a week and drops by for dinner a couple of times a month. I look forward to his visits and our heart-to-heart chats. We share a similar sense of humor and many interests, including gardening.
Bart has had several girlfriends in the past, but has been dating a lovely new woman for several months. She is a sweet, bright young lady with whom I get along very well.
In recent months, whenever Bart visits, his girlfriend always comes along. She rarely joins in the conversation and seems only to sit there waiting for us to "finish" so they can be on their way. Our talks have become brief and superficial -- far different from times past. I wish he would visit by himself sometimes. Am I wrong to want to see my son without her occasionally? -- MAUI MAMA IN HAWAII
DEAR MAUI MAMA: No, and you should tell your son how you feel. It is nice that he has found a girl who is worthy of bringing home to Mama, but that doesn't mean she should come along on every visit.
DEAR ABBY: My cousin came crying to me. She said her husband had been having an affair. She was devastated -- until I told her about an incident at my last job. My boss, "Lila," confided to me that her husband had had an affair. She said that after she caught him cheating with her sister, she took him back and told him, "Remember this: I'VE got an affair coming."
From then on, he was so busy making sure she didn't cheat on him that she never had to worry about him cheating on her. -- LAUGHING IN NORTH DAKOTA
DEAR LAUGHING: Your boss was a clever lady, but I hope she wasn't serious. One wrong is bad enough. Two wrongs not only don't make a right, but can also destroy a marriage.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother's in Family Doghouse for Putting Poodle on Throne
DEAR ABBY: My mother, who is in her late 70s, lives alone with her standard poodle, "Bonaparte." She refuses to go anywhere unless we agree that Bonaparte can go, too. When one of us offers to take her to dinner, the poodle waits in the car. She won't visit family members either, unless Bonaparte is welcome.
For Mother's birthday, I planned a special outing at a lovely restaurant and a matinee performance of a show that was in town. Mamma refused to go unless we took the dog. It wasn't appropriate, so I told her no. She refused to go and is still mad at me. She continually tries to make me feel guilty for "spoiling" her birthday.
How can I make my mother realize that the dog is an animal companion, and there are times when she needs to enjoy the company of people sans her dog? -- HAD IT UP TO HERE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HAD IT: Some people are so fond of their pets they are reluctant to part with them, even temporarily. Your mother appears to be one of them. She has made her feelings clear, and I doubt anyone -- myself included -- could convince her to socialize without him. (Feelings are not always rational.) Since you can't teach an old dog new tricks, when you invite your mother and the dog out, make sure there is plenty of air circulating in the car and a water bowl so Bonaparte will be safe and comfortable.
DEAR ABBY: My beloved 8-year-old niece, "Emily," has expressed that she's embarrassed to be seen with me because I am "so big." I'm aware that children are easily embarrassed by differences, be it someone using a cane, someone with a foreign accent, or someone who is fat like me.
I don't want to embarrass Emily on the days that I pick her up from school, but I also don't want to condone her attitude about "fat people" by hiding in the car.
How can I expect an 8-year-old to be free of prejudice when even supposedly mature adults expect all women to be slim-slender-thin-petite? I know Emily loves me; she just doesn't want people to see us together in public. What advice have you for us? -- CONCERNED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR CONCERNED: Under no circumstances should you hide. Remind your niece that there is more to a person than just the package -- that when you love someone, you accept that person for who he or she is, not how he or she looks. Emily may be only 8, but she's old enough to learn that lesson.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend, "Brad," for about six months. It's a long-distance relationship because he went off to college.
My problem is, recently Brad has stopped contacting me. He says he'll call, but he never does. He moved out of the dorm at school, so I don't know how to contact him other than e-mail. I have e-mailed him a couple of letters, but I haven't heard back from him. I don't know what to do. Should I give up on him? -- LONGING IN IDAHO
DEAR LONGING: By not contacting you, Brad is sending you a strong message. He knows how to reach you. Since he has moved and left you no contact information, it's safe to assume that the romance is over -- at least for now.
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