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Mom Is Embarrassed by What Her Snooping Daughter Found
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother, raising a 14-year-old daughter, "Cheryl." Recently, Cheryl has started going through my things while I am not at home. A couple of times she has found things of a sexual nature -- pictures and marital aids -- that I had thought were well hidden.
How do I address these matters without discussing the content in depth? We have discussions about a lot of things, but I must admit I'm embarrassed about this. However, I want to discuss this with Cheryl before she tells someone about what she found and gets misinformation. -- BLUSHING IN CHICAGO
DEAR BLUSHING: Your daughter is old enough to understand the concept of privacy -- and that includes not going through your things without permission, or discussing your private life with her contemporaries. Since you now know what she does in your absence, keep your personal items under lock and key.
If Cheryl questions you about the items she found, explain to her that they are sometimes used by adults. If she wants to know more, answer her questions honestly. And while you're at it, be sure your daughter knows that if she has further questions in the future, she's welcome to come to you with them, and you will be sure she gets correct answers.
DEAR ABBY: I'm having trouble dealing with my Aunt "Marge." She disapproves of the fact that my husband, "Keith," is 40 and I'm 33. Aunt Marge says I should have married someone my age -- or no more than a year or two older -- because SHE likes men her own age. Also, SHE prefers dark-haired men, so she keeps asking me why I married a blonde.
Keith earns enough so that I can stay at home with our two children. Aunt Marge says I'm selfish to make him carry the financial burden alone. (Neither Keith nor I feel there's anything selfish about it.) What's peculiar is, Aunt Marge has always been a homemaker. She hasn't worked a day since she married Uncle Steve. Also, she constantly asks my husband if he's saving the money he earns, and what we do with it.
Aunt Marge stops by unexpectedly a lot, usually at night. If I'm wearing my robe and nightgown, she demands to know why. Then she asks why I took my shower so long before bedtime. She also constantly criticizes the way I wear my hair.
Aunt Marge gets upset because, when Keith is home, we screen our calls. I've explained that it's to avoid telemarketers, but if we don't pick up, she says in a rude tone, "I don't want to leave a message. Pick up the phone NOW!"
Abby, she's a good person in other ways, but she has always had a habit of criticizing and being too quick to judge. Do Keith and I have reason to be offended, or should we just accept that she is who she is, ignore her, and not say anything? -- GETTING FED UP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FED UP: If no one has pointed out to Aunt Marge that it's rude to ask people what they do with their money, to drop by unannounced, to give unsolicited advice about personal grooming, and to demand instant gratification when she calls, now is the time. It won't change her, but perhaps it will cause her to stop for a moment and think.
Ward Off the Holiday Blues by Offering a Helping Hand
DEAR READERS: Today is Thanksgiving, the time we pause to consider the blessings for which we are grateful. In many homes across this great nation of ours, turkeys are being stuffed -- just as the people who consume them will be later in the day.
But for many individuals, today and the holidays that follow can be an intensely difficult time, triggering feelings of stress, loneliness and loss. If a person is prone to depression, these feelings can be further magnified.
How can anyone feel depressed at this time of year? you ask. It's not that far-fetched. People who are separated from their families often feel isolated because they can't celebrate in the traditional way. Families who have lost a loved one during the year often feel the absence especially at this time. Others become depressed because they imagine that everyone else is enjoying a warm, idealized family experience, while they are on the outside looking in.
Even people who enjoy the holidays can find them stressful. This is a time of year when people are stretched for time, energy and money -- particularly the latter. They may become embarrassed because they can't celebrate the way they would like to celebrate, or in the style they have in years past.
Some ways to ward off the holiday blues:
-- Keep expectations reasonable. Don't take on more activities than you can handle -- financially or otherwise.
-- Don't overspend. Plan a holiday budget and live within it, regardless of the temptation.
-- Do not run up credit card debt, or January will be like a serious hangover.
-- And speaking of hangovers: Watch your alcohol intake. Remember, although alcohol seems to be a mood elevator, it is actually a depressant. If you have a problem with alcohol, get whatever support you need to make it through the holidays.
A final thought: If you're feeling down and want an instant "upper," the surest way to accomplish it is to do something nice for someone else. Call someone who lives alone and invite that person to dinner. Better yet, say, "I'm coming to get you, and I'll see that you get safely home." (Some older people don't drive at night, and those who do might prefer not to be behind the wheel after dark.) Give it a try! You'll be glad you did.
And now, I'll repeat the traditional Thanksgiving Prayer that was penned by my mother, Pauline Phillips, years ago. My Thanksgiving would not be complete without it:
Oh, Heavenly Father,
We thank thee for food and remember the hungry.
We thank thee for health and remember the sick.
We thank thee for friends and remember the friendless.
We thank thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
May these remembrances stir us to service,
That thy gifts to us may be used for others. Amen.
P.S. We have so much for which to be grateful this Thanksgiving Day. Those of you with a little time to spare, how about showing our gratitude to veterans by visiting a veterans hospital and raising the spirits of those who have served our country?
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY
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Daughter Plagued by Demon Needs Professional Help Now
DEAR ABBY: The recent behavior of my 13-year-old daughter, Julie, has begun to concern me. She and I are very close. It has been just the two of us up until the last two years. I plan to be married next spring.
Last July we moved to a small town, and Julie was upset about it, but her misgivings lessened as she began to make new friends. My problem is, my daughter has become interested in demons to the point that she thinks and tells people she is half-demon. Julie's new friends are also into the demon-pretending phase.
I wasn't concerned until I saw a letter Julie had written to her father, talking about the demon and asking if he was one. It went on to say there is trouble here, and a demon killer is at her school. She said it wants to kill them and has given her "signs."
How can I get my daughter back without making her miserable? After-school activities are not offered here. Learning self-defense was originally an option until she started hitting older boys and asking why they didn't hit her back. Should I take her friends away? Talk to their parents? I don't know what to do. -- ONCE A GOOD PARENT IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR PARENT: Call your doctor and arrange for a psychiatric evaluation for your daughter. Her letter to her father and her acting out against the boys suggests that she could have serious mental problems. Please don't wait. The doctor can help you to decide whether she should be kept away from her new friends, or whether you should speak to their parents. However, your first priority should be to get professional help for your child.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 29 years, "Paul," is an "early to bed" kind of guy. He goes to bed around 9 p.m., and the kids are still up. My problem is, I don't want to have sex while the kids (ages 14 and 13, both boys) are home or still awake at night. Paul doesn't understand my feelings. Is it my hang-up, or do other women feel the same way? -- EMBARRASSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR EMBARRASSED: There are, indeed, other wives who share your feelings. Some couples solve this problem by sending "the kids" on sleepovers, or arranging intimate nights out together. You might also consider installing a large-screen TV in a room as far away from the master bedroom as possible, so that if the kids are up, they'll be otherwise occupied.
You and your husband are entitled to a life, and having private time does not necessarily equate with having sex. A lock on your bedroom door might prevent surprises, as well as a house rule that no one should enter without first knocking and asking permission.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having an argument about whether talking to solicitors through the door is rude.
I say that since I am a woman, often alone when someone comes knocking and cautious about strangers, I can express that I'm not interested by saying so through the closed door. My husband insists that it's rude not to open the door and tell them face-to-face.
In today's world, I'm afraid to open the door to people I don't know. Someone trying to sell me something doesn't change this rule. Is it rude not to open the door, or should I risk the chance that it is an attacker? -- BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY IN COLORADO
DEAR BETTER SAFE: There is no rule of etiquette that demands you open your door to a stranger, even a solicitor. The best way to avoid "buying" something is not to listen to the pitch in the first place.
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