To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter Plagued by Demon Needs Professional Help Now
DEAR ABBY: The recent behavior of my 13-year-old daughter, Julie, has begun to concern me. She and I are very close. It has been just the two of us up until the last two years. I plan to be married next spring.
Last July we moved to a small town, and Julie was upset about it, but her misgivings lessened as she began to make new friends. My problem is, my daughter has become interested in demons to the point that she thinks and tells people she is half-demon. Julie's new friends are also into the demon-pretending phase.
I wasn't concerned until I saw a letter Julie had written to her father, talking about the demon and asking if he was one. It went on to say there is trouble here, and a demon killer is at her school. She said it wants to kill them and has given her "signs."
How can I get my daughter back without making her miserable? After-school activities are not offered here. Learning self-defense was originally an option until she started hitting older boys and asking why they didn't hit her back. Should I take her friends away? Talk to their parents? I don't know what to do. -- ONCE A GOOD PARENT IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR PARENT: Call your doctor and arrange for a psychiatric evaluation for your daughter. Her letter to her father and her acting out against the boys suggests that she could have serious mental problems. Please don't wait. The doctor can help you to decide whether she should be kept away from her new friends, or whether you should speak to their parents. However, your first priority should be to get professional help for your child.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 29 years, "Paul," is an "early to bed" kind of guy. He goes to bed around 9 p.m., and the kids are still up. My problem is, I don't want to have sex while the kids (ages 14 and 13, both boys) are home or still awake at night. Paul doesn't understand my feelings. Is it my hang-up, or do other women feel the same way? -- EMBARRASSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR EMBARRASSED: There are, indeed, other wives who share your feelings. Some couples solve this problem by sending "the kids" on sleepovers, or arranging intimate nights out together. You might also consider installing a large-screen TV in a room as far away from the master bedroom as possible, so that if the kids are up, they'll be otherwise occupied.
You and your husband are entitled to a life, and having private time does not necessarily equate with having sex. A lock on your bedroom door might prevent surprises, as well as a house rule that no one should enter without first knocking and asking permission.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having an argument about whether talking to solicitors through the door is rude.
I say that since I am a woman, often alone when someone comes knocking and cautious about strangers, I can express that I'm not interested by saying so through the closed door. My husband insists that it's rude not to open the door and tell them face-to-face.
In today's world, I'm afraid to open the door to people I don't know. Someone trying to sell me something doesn't change this rule. Is it rude not to open the door, or should I risk the chance that it is an attacker? -- BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY IN COLORADO
DEAR BETTER SAFE: There is no rule of etiquette that demands you open your door to a stranger, even a solicitor. The best way to avoid "buying" something is not to listen to the pitch in the first place.
DEAR ABBY: "Deb in Knoxville" asked who should buy the ring if the woman proposes. I think the groom should buy the ring for the bride, and the bride should buy the ring for the groom, no matter who proposes. It should be their gift to each other. -- JOYFUL IN ALPHARETTA, GA.
DEAR JOYFUL: My ears are "ringing" from the many comments I've received regarding that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Deb in Knoxville" was right on. You advised her that if the man is a gentleman, he should buy it. And if he refuses, she should enter the marriage with her eyes wide open and no illusions about what her future will be.
Even though my husband popped the question to me, he never bought me a ring. It was an indication of what was to come. He is the world's worst cheapskate.
I can count on one hand the number of gifts he has given me over the years. He is equally withholding emotionally. When I was single, I never thought that such things were important in a relationship. I was wrong. It's been a lonely life. -- LONELY IN DIXIE
DEAR LONELY: In your case, the lack of gifts is less important than the absence of what they stand for. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend tells me that it is tradition that the man buys the woman a ring, and the woman buys the man a watch. What a great tradition! Have you heard of this? -- BOB IN CHICAGO
DEAR BOB: No, so I called Dawn Moore, the West Coast regional director of Chopard Jewelers. She informed me that a wristwatch is the "traditional offering" from the woman to the man at the time of the engagement or the wedding. (What a clever way of ensuring he makes it to the church on time!)
DEAR ABBY: "Deb in Knoxville" asked who should buy the ring if the woman proposes. You replied that you're old-fashioned, and the man should buy it if he's a gentleman. I disagree! If the woman asks, she should buy the ring. Not only that, but she should present that ring to him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. -- EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ENGAGER
DEAR ENGAGER: Thank you for stating the opposing point of view.
DEAR ABBY: I proposed to my longtime boyfriend and bought him an engagement ring. I didn't care if I received one or not. He asked if I wanted one as well, and I declined. Because of pressure from family and friends, he finally insisted.
Abby, there is so much old-fashioned peer pressure on the man. When we announced our engagement, I made the mistake of saying that I had been the one to propose. People would gawk at him as though he had been the one holding up the wedding plans, and I had to somehow get the ball rolling by proposing to him. It was like they thought less of him somehow. I think it embarrassed him, which was stupid because he was ready to be married long before I was. (I was divorced and afraid of making another mistake.)
When I felt ready, I decided to surprise him and propose. He was loving and patient with me -- and it's unfair that people regard him as someone who had to be poked and prodded into making a commitment.
I think that if a woman proposes, the same rules should apply as if the situation were reversed. It's up to both of them to decide about the rings. The responsibility should be shared because they are both equals in the relationship. -- SMILING IN CANADA
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.
Widower With New Companion Has Issues With Old Family
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I lost my wife of 16 years to cancer. "Ethel" and I didn't have a perfect marriage, but we worked at it. We both had grown children from first marriages. We also had a child together, a boy, "Ben," who is 13.
Last spring I began seeing a very nice lady I'll call Blanche. Ethel's daughters have little to do with me since their mother's death and are encouraging Ben to be rude and distant to Blanche. I realize Ben has issues, but I have tried to explain to him that life goes on. Blanche is not trying to replace his mother; she would like to be his friend.
My question is, when should I tell my in-laws about Blanche?
To everyone reading this: If at all possible, become a donor of some sort. My eternal thanks to the caring individual who gave his bone marrow to Ethel in an effort to save a complete stranger. God bless you. -- NEEDS TO MOVE ON IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR NEEDS: Ethel's daughters most likely have already told your in-laws about Blanche, so you should tell them the "news" now. If you don't, it will appear that you are sneaking around -- and it's important not to create that impression. It may be painful for Ethel's relatives to hear, so don't be surprised if they are less than thrilled.
Family counseling might be helpful for you, your son, and Ethel's daughters if they are open to it. Should the "girls" refuse, go with Ben. He is still young, and he lost his mother at a time when he still needed her. You are probably further along in the grieving process than your son because you had a chance to grieve for your wife during her illness.
For Ben's sake, I hope you take your time before remarrying. He apparently needs more time to adjust and to understand that the new lady in your life is not a threat to his mother's memory.
DEAR ABBY: I met my biological father last June, after waiting 15 years to do so. His side of the family was very warm and welcoming. They treated me as though they had known me all my life. I was nervous about meeting them, so I took my boyfriend. They treated him like family too.
I have not told my mom that I went to see the other family, because she would no longer speak to me, and I don't want her mad at me. My parents had an extremely bitter divorce. Mom still holds a grudge, and she expects me to as well.
I am being married soon, and now I am being forced to choose between my mom and my biological father. I would like everyone to be there, and for my stepdad to walk me down the aisle. My fiance likes my biological father and his side of the family and wants them all to be there, too. I am stuck in the middle. What should I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE OUT WEST
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: It's time to grow up and tell your mother what you did. Although the divorce was devastating, you have the right to know your father and paternal relatives if you wish. Ask her, as her wedding gift to you, to bury her enmity for one day so you can have the wedding of your dreams. Many other families have done this, and the experience can be healing.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)